Are men really happy to sleep with women they don't even like?

[Sobanoodledoodle]

Back in my much younger days I would sometimes, get drunk and throw myself at the object of my affections. Mostly these boys were more than happy to take what was offered but as I soon found out it didn't mean they wanted to go out with me. I personally have never slept or even kissed a man I wasn't "crazy" about ok I might have deluded most of the time but still there was always the prerequsite that I actually would want to go out with the lad in question.

Is it really true that men are happy to got to bed with and even repeatedly hook up with women the have no feelings for?

On one hand this is rather sad for my young self to accept this but on the other hand does it not also suggest that for men lusting after women in films and porn that they do not equate sexual desire with actually liking and loving that person, almost as if their love relationships inhabit quite different but overlaping, internal territory?

What do you think?

'Men' is too sweeping a generalisation. I'm sure there are plenty of people of all genders who engage in casual, love-free, meaningless hook-ups. In fact, if you look back at the history of love, sex, marriage/LTR etc., it's only relatively recently that we've decided the three should go together at all.

Men can have sex without the guilt, even nowadays women feel guilt if they have a ONS, not so much with men so yes to your question. It's still a very male dominated society where women are made to feel lesser and the man's needs more important, you only have to look on here at the lovely women who are sticking by horrible men who are addicted to porn/chatlines/webcams, you name it, it's really quite depressing how much women undervalue themselves.

some are like this yes. not all.

not all women who have one night stands feel guilty or regret them....

SOME men. Just like some women are happy to sleep with men they don't like.

But casual sex as a thing is okay - it's fine to just want sex and not a relationship. As long as people are being open and honest about their intentions and expectations. Problems and hurt happen when people are not.

It's really not helpful to make this argument gendered.

It's okay to not want casual sex.

In my experience many men can and do.

I don't understand it. I have to really have the hots for someone before Doing The Dance With No Pants

God I've slept with LOADS of guys I don't like, or wouldn't want to be seen in public with. Or I'll date them for a bit on a 1-1 basis but won't "include them in my life".

Of all the lovers I've had, only a few guys are "suitable to be taken more seriously". Also its a "try before you buy" thing, if you date someone for a month and you don't like the cut of their jib, dump and move on.

it applies to both male and female.

that's why "slut shaming" exists and was invented, in my opinion. It's so that women can't "choose" their man and have to settle for the first "okish guy" that pays them attention. Like he's doing them a special favour by liking them in a serious way. fuck off, so women don't have any say in whether or not they "like him in a serious way"

he's nice to me and looks alright and wants to be my boyfriend? oh, so I have to let him, do I?

meh to the meh.

i DO think people should be tasteful and considerate in terms of their sexual experiences i.e. don't make a big drama about it, no-one wants to hear about your antics at dinner parties (most people on first meeting me think I'm incredibly shy and conservative) and don't go into it to hurt people or deceive them, but some experimentation (if one has the time) is a Good Thing in my opinion.

PS I absolutely agree its horses for courses: some people don't like casual sex, and that's also Ok - its no-ones business either way.

There are some three and a half billion men on the planet, including Gazza, Barack Obama, Stephen Hawkins, terry Pratchett, Sachin Tendulkar and the bloke from the Go Compare adverts. I doubt men have reached a meaningful consensus on this issue, I reckon it depends entirely on the individual.

Yes, many men can and do. Not all, but many. Some even seek out women they don't particularly like on any level whatsoever, just so they can relieve themselves and not feel bad about it when they walk away and not look back. Took me a very, very long time to understand this properly.

Oh god yes!!

My friend was sleeping with a guy who she really, really liked, for absolute months. He made her swear to secrecy though because of how embarrassed he was about it. When she told me when it had ended I was Gobsmacked, he'd totally used her.

I know loads of examples where men I know have slept with random girls they don't particularly like or fancy just because they can.

Not all men are like this obviously but I reckon a high percentage are!!

Mmmm, I think that's where it strays into unethical writer?

I've dated guys who clearly want to take things further: they're suggesting "meet my friends or parents or colleagues" and I'm suggesting "late night cocktails then back to yours and I won't stay the night" and that's when a girl should should gracefully retreat with a sigh.

I'd say both genders pull unethical stunts though.

It's not uncommon (i could easily do this, but don't) for a reasonably attractive women to collect a harem of male "friends" who she deep down KNOWS have a thing for her, tell them all that she's "a bit too messed up to date" then use them for favours and as pseudo boyfriends until she meets someone she really likes .

I reckon as an adult, one should read the signals and "manage" situations so you're neither a victim nor a predator and don't hurt others feelings but also protect your own? that Maya angelou quote about people showing you who they are is very true? if someone is just texting you vaguely with promises, that doesn't mean anything? Actions speak.

Not trying to make the topic gendered, it just is!

Men have less guilt about having ONS than women do, the more you have the worst the women will feel, the man won't. And, worse still, it's women who are judging women for doing the sleeping around.

I've had years of women telling me they are not bothered that he's not been in touch and they are fine about just being a shag for the night, only to then say at a later date that they felt shit and hoped he'd call, do men say the same....?

Then there's the risk of pregnancy that men don't have to worry about either.

Yes I accept some women do sleep around with no guilt whatsoever, hats off to them I say, wish there was more and it was more equal.

The only gendered thing about it is that society accepts when men are like this (and in fact ridicules a bit when they are not) and condemns when women are like this, and expects them not to be.

This does lead to a bit of a problematic thing, that you've touched on, where people believe that ALL men see sex as separate to relationships, leading women to pretend that they are not interested in a relationship (but hope that he might be interested enough for more sex if they "play it right") and also believe that ALL women are emotionally invested in sex, leading men to pretend they are interested in a relationship to get sex with someone who isn't into just a one night stand.

It's messed up and harmful to both sexes. It's impossible to know what the split is, but the truth is that some people see sex as separate from a relationship - men and women - and can compartmentalise and happily have casual sex, and some people can only fancy someone sexually if they fancy them in relationship terms and/or have sex inextricably linked with relationship-type feelings or hopeful relationship type feelings.

It's not gendered - it's just that our society tells us it is and hence we act in this kind of way. If it happens to be the case that more men can separate the two things and more women can't, then it still wouldn't be gendered, because there are women AND men who want casual sex, and women AND men who want sex to be in the context of a relationship/with a view to leading to a relationship. There's no need to pretend anything, just be honest and it would work much better.

Yes Bertie, good points there.

It is indeed a social thing but a social thing going back thousands of years. I wish it was more equal, seems even today it's still very much a man's world, sadly.

I think it very much depends on the individual. I think more men than women are probably capable of this because men and women are socialised totally differently about sex and emotion, with the cultural norm still (inaccurately) being that women equate emotion with sex and men don't. That becomes self-perpetuating to some extent, but it doesn't have an innate quality IMO.

I'm quite capable of separating emotion from sex. I certainly wouldn't need to harbour hopes of a relationship. But I would have to like them - in the sense of "they seem nice/fun/whatever" even if I had no interest in seeing them again afterwards. Unfortunately, I find fuckwittery very much a turn off, no matter how aesthetically pleasing the fuckwit may be.