My husband is a bully

[sosickoftheweed]

there ive said it

he bullies the children not me. not always but enough. nasty cuting put downs and sometimns outright verbal and physical agression.

I hate it so much.

we are currently going to marriage therapy

its not every day or every week, but today again after maybe 2 months 'quiet'

is that enough to leave him ? our marriage is otherwise ok. I think he is insecure and feels undermined by me - but i find it completely unacceptable that he takes it out on the children.

f*ck what a mess. I have no idea what to do and no idea if this is sortable or if its better to take the kids away from their dad to protect them or if that is worse because mostly hes great with them............and if he can change ? I dont know

how old are your children?

Would you consider a trial seperation?
Give yourselves some breathing space.

Hi, my first instinct on reading your thread was "leave him", but that was because of the physical aggression towards your children comment.
Can you elaborate on the verbal and physical aggression? What does he do?

if it is an infrequant event and its mostly verbal then maybe leavib=ng isn't necessarily the answer.
have you mentioned these things to the marriage therapist?

I know this sounds silly, but does he realise how frightening he can be to the kids? Sometimes grown men just don't. take a pic of him in full swing- that can have amazing results in this sort of case.

Or, if you are prepared to follow it through, tell him: anger management or piss off.

Is there a causal link? Is it work stress, tiredness? Is he depressed perhaps?

The children are 7 4 and 1.. all boys. It is mainly the middle one , who is more 'difficult' who gets it, but both the eldest have been on the recieving end.

he will pull them for example, hard, by the arms. He is quite often very negative to them sometimes I will pull him up and tell him he has said nothing nice tp them all day. Its like he has no barrier between his emotions and the way he treats the children

he is alreday on antidepressants.

he does not work I am the money earner and he is a sahd (his choiice0 I am afraid that if we seperated he would claim to have custody of the children

and i dont wnat to seperate.

i just want him to lay off the childern.

he knows in his heart it iswrong and hads previously admitted this to me. the marriage therapist has told him she feels he needs individual conselling and even gave him a number , but he 'hasnt got time to phone'

feel very confused and very alone

sorry but if it was my dh, I would be pulling his stonks out of his ballbag tbh

how dare he pick on and grab defenceless LO's
and btw i am not an anti-smacker as such
but i dont believe in hurting children for the sake of cause someone is in a bad mood

whether he is on anti-depressants or a sahd

sorry alot of us are on ad's and sahm, but we dont treat the children like that

you have to come to some decisions and quick
as your kids are living in an abusive environment
and that is not good
kick his arse out
force him into anger management etc
or whatever to make him see he is in the wrong

sorry that should read
not hurting children fullstop

but deliberately picking on them and bullying them is just wrong

they will end up with very little self-esteem and no confidence at all

Might sound like a silly question,so please forgive me. Do you think he could br jealous of you DS's?

I just fear the long term effect this could have on the kids. This could really destroy their confidence.

I think your dh REALLY needs help.

And what's this about no time to phone the number that he therapist gave! But he's not working so he has all the time in the world! I mean, he's even admitted that he know's it wrong!! Come on!

One of these days he'll pull an arm too hard and then what'll happen.

Sorry to be so abrupt babes, but we've got to think about the kids here. Take care x

sorry bout all your probs sosickoftheweed,do u think it is connected to being a sahd?do you think childcare for the kids an him going back to work would be better for your family?i know it seems so obvious im sorry to ask!

What weed does your name refer to? Is it something he is using? If it is, cannibis and similar are known to have a depressive effect and therefore may well cancel out the anti-ds. Have you looked into that?

SSOTW

I've come across you before on these pages and am sorry (though not surprised) to see that things are still awful.

Why do you not want to separate from a man who is all too ready to emotionally harm your children, not just to say your good self?.

He will not lay off the children, any will to do so needs to come from within him and he has to address his own issues. He cannot or will not do this.

Your children are learning from all this and will perhaps do the same things to their children as adults. Is this what you really want - that abuse then becomes generational.

What do you say to your own children after he's pulled them by the arms hard?. They are scared witless of him and you're unable to stop him.
Get your head out of the sand here; it is happening.

His cannabis usage is way out of control and you know it. He has left your children whilst you've been at work to go out into the shed to smoke weed hasn't he?.

I'm sorry that your children are going through this. They are being bullied by their dad and that is horrid for them.

I'ma secondary teacher and have this poem on my wall in the classroom as a reminder to me. Don't wanna preach but it is true. I try to follow it at home as well as I think it's so important

Children Learn What They Live
By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

What is dh like in the day when you are at work I wonder, does it only happen when you are there? I have a similar problem with my dh and ds who is 7, dh is ok with dd who is 1 and ds2 who is 3 has asd and just gets shouted at. I am a sahm and dh spends very little time at home - work, golf, friends etc. I think it would be worse if he spent more time at home. I think it needs sorting and he needs to ring that number asap. Your kiddies need to feel safe and secure and loved.

Sosickoftheweed - it must be a real worry to you, 'specially if you are out at work all day. Your DH sounds as though he's really not cut out to be a sahd. Can you get him back to work? His depression and his impatience with your middle DS may be partly becasue he has low self esteem and is depressed because he knows he's not enjoying staying at home.

I'm so sorry you and your children have to put up with this. It does sound like he needs independent counselling - perhaps you could ring for him? Or tell him that if he doesn't do it by the end of the week, then you will do it for him.

Sometimes people who are depressed need someone to take control for them. It was my dh that pushed me into getting help when I needed it.

I can't help but wonder what his own relationship with his father was like - perhaps he only knows this way of parenting

I'm not trying to excuse his behaviour at all, but I think you need to find a reason for it before you can fix it.

I would say that he's definitely not cut out to be a SAHD. It sounds like he's doing it so that he can go and have a smoke whenever he fancies it.

If I were in your shoes I would kick him out. Tell him that you will help him all you can, but you can't live with him while he is continuing to behave like this. If he sorts himself out then he can come back.

Good luck.

Would you REALLY leave, I mean REALLY in a relationship that is 95% ok ?

I guess I dot know waht is 'nornal'. It seemsto em that we rub alomg fine most of the time - better than fine - we talk hug and cuddle indrfront of the children. Most of our life is finr and then he explodes over soething pathetic - and frightens me and the children and is HORRIBLE, unacceptable and verbally agressive.

but would you really trash your family and extended family and whole life ? We have significant financial debts,and a huge mortgage. Lofe would be tits up big time if we sepereated. I MARRIED him he is my HUSBAND and I really take those vows seriously

his weed use is a problem but I cannot change it, no I really cant. I can leave but otherwise I Cant change it.

I think the whole 'leave him' issue is easily bandied about but actualy its really hard to do...........Im not at all sure my situation is that bad - doe sanyone else have abad temperted partenr ????

And no he is NOT cut out to be a SAHD

we are on a sumer vacation from therapy - our therapist is on holiday during August

SSOTW,

This marriage is not 95% okay to my mind and I don't think you know what is "normal" any more because you've been stuck in this mess for so long. This has become your normality.

You're right about his weed use - only he can change this however, there is no will on his part to want to change.

You are also part of the problem if you are not part of the solution. I would not think your middle child is any more "difficult" than the other two but this particular boy is getting the brunt of his Dad's behaviour and you're still going on about your marriage vows. Whilst taking your marriage vows seriously is indeed both admirable and to be commended your husband is certainly not giving any of you this same consideration.

If you call your marriage 95% alright in spite of his physical aggression towards the children, his cannabis addiction and bad temperedness to name but three problems I would say that you need individual counselling for your own self. I think you have listened to what he has said for so long and have become so ground down and worn out (you can't see a way out so you hang on in there regardless) that you have become yourself inured to all the emotional pain that is happening around you and cling onto the marriage vows like a life raft; vows he has really no respect for.

The people I feel the most sorry for in all this are your children because they cannot ignore it. Which brings me to yet another point - what is all this teaching them about relationships?. After all you and your husband are their primary role models when it comes to relationships and they are learning from you two.

ssotw
agree with attila and others

your words

"would you really leave if the relationship was 95% ok"

is it 95% ok in all honesty

only he can change I agree

but if you gave him a right kick up the jacksy
and made him realise that is behaviour is not acceptable
at the moment you are condoning his behaviour
because you will not make a stand against him

as for the extended family re and all the rest of it
so what
they dont have to live with him
put up with his bullying
and his bad temperde moods

and yes my exh was violent (not towards kids may I add) and I got rid as he was shitting up my life

my now dh was a bad tempered get too
but he got an ultimatum

anger management or it is over
he took anger management and our marriage is now so very happy with no probs at all

only you can make things happen
remember that

ssotw
agree with attila and others

your words

"would you really leave if the relationship was 95% ok"

is it 95% ok in all honesty

only he can change I agree

but if you gave him a right kick up the jacksy
and made him realise that is behaviour is not acceptable
at the moment you are condoning his behaviour
because you will not make a stand against him

as for the extended family re and all the rest of it
so what
they dont have to live with him
put up with his bullying
and his bad temperde moods

and yes my exh was violent (not towards kids may I add) and I got rid as he was shitting up my life

my now dh was a bad tempered get too
but he got an ultimatum

anger management or it is over
he took anger management and our marriage is now so very happy with no probs at all

only you can make things happen
remember that