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Original poster

am i being unreasonable? advice needed with family & childcare

20 replies

sunflower74 · 29/08/2006 19:43

Hi there
we have an 11-week-old little boy and DP has a neice who is 5 months.
DP's mam is going to look after the neice full time when her mam returns to work in couple of weeks.
She once said she would look after our DS also, but DP's SIL wasnt happy about this and more or less said "no way".

i feel in a position because she "got there first" if u know what i mean?
so we are having to look at private childcare which we cannot afford (DS wasnt planned but loved dearly )

they planned to have another child just presuming DP's mum would look after it (as she did their others)
they are a lot more financially stable than us also

the other thing that upsets me is that our son has to spend his week with strangers, whilst his cousin is with people who love her?
am worried DS will be left out? i really dont think its fair

what i would like is for DP's mum to say she would have them each 2 days a week - then we would all need to get childcare 3 days?

i know this wont happen - but are my thoughts unreasonable?

can anyone see a way out?

OP posts:

tiredemma · 29/08/2006 19:45

what does dp's mum have to say on this?

WideWebWitch · 29/08/2006 19:47

I think it's not up to dp's SIL but I think you need to find out what MIL wants and is capable of/prepared to do. Otherwise I'm afraid I think this is your dp's argument to have with HIS mother, you should be careful about getting involved in family politics and it's a) his baby too and b) childcare is absolutely his responsibilty as much as it is yours. So I'd get dp to talk to his mum and take it from there. On the face of it SIL is unreasonable though but I think this is your dp's battle, not yours tbh.

hoolagirl · 29/08/2006 19:49

Your not being unreasonable.
I am in kind of the same situation and got so fed up with ds being put last behind his cousin's childcare needs that I put him with a childminder who does loads more things with him.
And this was after my mother promised to help me on certain days I was working and continually let me down.
Although she never let my brother's girlfriend down with taking their kids!
Sorry, bit of a rant, but it still makes me and ds feel 2nd best.

fattiemumma · 29/08/2006 19:50

everything WWW just said.

its none of your Sil's business who your MIL looks after, if yur MIl is ok waith it and happy to do it then SIl can mind her own.

but if MIL isn't happy then thats something for your DP to speak with her about.

LIZS · 29/08/2006 19:50

If she's not prepared to split her time (and that is entirely up to her, you can but ask) then I don't see another option but to look elsewhere. A childminder wouldn't be able to look after 2 under 1 's so I see your SIL's point on her having both at once.

WideWebWitch · 29/08/2006 19:51

Oh, and take SIL out of the equation and if maybe MIL didn't want to/wasn't up to it/had a job of her own/didn't like babies then you'd be looking at the childcare/work costs and have to work out what would be do able from there.

I guess I'm saying try not to base your judgement on 'but she gets x hours of free childcare per week' - base it on what you need and whether MILs up for it, take SIL and familial probs out of it if you can. And if MIL isn't up for lots of free childcare, well, welcome to the same boat as the rest of us. That's not meant to sound unkind but actually, an awful lot of us do HAVE to pay for childcare if we have to work, we have no choice. So anything free is great imo.

WideWebWitch · 29/08/2006 19:53

god, I'm prob vastly unreasnoable though, have pmt and have just had row with ds, aged 9. Sorry!

noonar · 29/08/2006 19:56

The 2 day each idea sounds fab! why not get you dp to suggest it. SIL may have concerns that her child's needs may not be met if 2 babies are being looked after. this could be a valid point depending on MIL's fitness level, capability etc. but it appies equally to your LO's needs, of course. i don't think i'd have wanted my mum looking after my dd and my neice, for that reason, tbh. i qutie understand your feelings, tho. good luck.

Kaz33 · 29/08/2006 19:57

Oh dear, what a mess - you MIL is obviously trying to help support her sons which is brilliant.

I think it is a lot to ask any one to look after two babies, especially someone who is doing it for free and not in the first flush of youth.

Your SIL is being a selfish B*h, I find in my family my SIL gets away with a lot because she is hard to handle and my parents are parnoid they might annoy her. You as the more reasonable daughter in law get short shrift.

I don't know what to advise really, just because you pay for childcare doesn't mean that your children don't get loved and stimulated. There are some fabby childminders and nannies out there.

I realise it is a huge financial burden having to pay for childcare, but it is one that a huge section of the population have to deal with. My mother would never have offered any such thing and we paid through the nose for a nanny. But it did my kids no harm and I learnt a huge amount from nannies about babies and toddlers.

Maybe you could approach it indirectly, have a chat to family and say things like - it is coing to cost us a lot to pay for childcare, I need to continue working and so we are going to have to tighten belts so we will have to cut down on things like birthday and christmas pressies until DC is in full time education. Maybe they will get the message and even if you don't at least you won't have to buy the Cow any pressies

noonar · 29/08/2006 19:58

in that respect, it is SIL's business -ifswim

Sandcastles · 31/08/2006 07:44

I am assuming that your dp's mum is retired, to be able to offer childcare on such a reg basis? She has already looked after your sil's other kids and now is carrying on the trend. Have you ever thought that she is doing so "to keep the peace?" rather than because she has nothing better to do? Why is it assumed/expected that just because we have children our parents should be the carers whilest we earn a living?

They have raised their children, when do they get to enjoy their retirement or old age?

Sorry, but I think you need to find alternative arrangements and let this poor woman have a (much needed) break!

Just because you didn't plan your child, you still went ahead and had him, so the onus is on you to pay for childcare, like a lot of other parents have too!

Auntymandy · 31/08/2006 07:52

That sounded harsh SC I am sure yooou didnt mean it quite how it came across, but I see your point.
I think you all meed to talk and see if you can come up with a solution. Maybe MIL doesnt want to mind babies for ever, maybe she does, but someone should ask her.
Is it possible you could give up work for a bit as it may not be finacially viable for you to work if you have child care to pay for.
Or look at a childminder instead of nursery.
Good luck!

Sandcastles · 31/08/2006 08:33

No, AM, of course I don't mean to be harsh, perhaps not worded so well.

I have just moved to Oz and before I left the UK dh was all aboutme goig back to work & leaving dd with his parents, really full on. I just feel so strongly that our parents have done their job, that's all.

Sorry if I caused upset.

Sandcastles · 31/08/2006 08:35

no dh, his aunt was all about going back to work

Twiglett · 31/08/2006 08:36

Bear in mind that looking after 2 babies is NOT easy .. in fact childminders are not allowed to take two under 1's unless they get special allowance (or twins) I think

I think you need to get DP to talk to his mother .. and you stay well out of it

yes sharing sounds fair .. but will probably come as a huge shock to SIL and family .. financially and emotionally

MrsFio · 31/08/2006 08:45

I can completely see where you are coming from as I have been in the same situation myself, and it is so irritating. My MIL has practically brought my nephew up (sil son) and still is having to and he is 12!! She used to have him as a baby whilst sil worked, have him when they went away for the weekend/week, have him whilst they went shopping(ffs!), have him whenever and as i say she still does and its all free! She has done sweet FA for us, nor has anyone else for that matter and we have also had to pay and yes it is frustrating.

But as www has said alot of us have to pay and in all honesty there is something very gratuious about knowing YOU have sorted things out and looked after your kids YOUR way without and interference off anyone else. fair enough we have to pay nursery/childminder etc but YOU as a parent are in control and make all the decisions and are responsible for your own children.

I also agree with sandcastles as my MIL is retired and my SIL treats her as though its some god given duty she look after her grandson. They seem to have forgotten somewhere along the line that my MIL has a personaility and a life

batters · 31/08/2006 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

sunflower74 · 31/08/2006 09:14

hi everyone and thanks for the replies.

i have no intention of allowing MIL to look after both babies! i wouldnt like to do this myself - i know how hard it is looking after one baby never mind 2

she isnt retired - she is actually giving up work to look after her grandaughter! she did this last time aswell for the other 2

please dont get me wrong she is a lovely woman and i wouldnt put onto her at all - its the SIL i am more cross/upset with

i suppose deep down i am just a bit jealous? and fretful for my little boy who will surely feel left out once he realises what is going on?
it breaks my heart

i am not trying to get out of paying for childcare - i paid for childcare with my last child i know that it just has to be done if you need to go back to work
just dont see why some just "expect" to get it for free....

i know that something is going to have to give to be able to pay for the childcare and its prob going to be one of the cars
will be a struggle getting baby to the childcare and other child to school and then get to work but i know others cope....

but again i am angry cos those 2 have 2 flash cars, huge house, go on holidays and get free childcare...gggrrr

OP posts:

batters · 31/08/2006 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

edam · 31/08/2006 09:19

I'm not surprised you are pissed off but you can't make someone provide childcare if they don't want to. Your SIL is a jammy so-and-so. But this just leaves you in the same position as most other parents.

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