How can I leave partner?

[Melodie13]

Have found out partner is back on facebook in contact with exes from youth. He's done this before and it led to an affair which I found out about. He refused to leave and managed to wear me down into forgiving him, the kids never knew, and I think trying to spare them led to me giving in and trying again. However this time I want us to split as life is miserable together for both of us, he claims he's done nothing wrong because there's no affair this time, I think there could be but he's just more secretive this time. I don't work and have no access to any money except for a bit of child benefit/tax credits, but we do own the house together. He wont put the house up for sale which is the only way I could afford to leave, he knows I'm trapped here so thinks he can behave how he wants. I'm not sure what the situation is with housing benefit, as with a share in a house already I don't think I would be entitled to claim any. Can anyone advise?

Don't quote me in it but I think you can force a sale through court. Book yourself a free half hour with a solicitor.

If you have a house or 16k in savings then no, you can't get housing benefit. Don't forget that you would get more tax credits as a single claimant. Can you return to work at all?

Start getting a plan together. Tell him it's over and you want to sell. If he won't then going to court might be viable.

Ps- you're not trapped there, he's wrong. Yes, you might have to wait a while but you can untangle yourself from the situation. Get proper advice...good luck

Definitely get legal advice. A solicitor or CAB should be able to offer some information. You're not trapped and there will be other options but you'll need to get better informed.

Thanks for the advice I had been thinking of contacting the CAB. I just can't imagine taking him to court though to sell the house, he's never been the most reasonable of people and has a foul temper so living in a house with him whilst taking him to court would be unbearable.
Yet he claims I'm the unreasonable one for wanting to break the family up.

If he is uncooperative, unreasonable and aggressive he'll find that works against him because you'd be entitled to ask the police to remove him from the premises. Yet more reasons to gather as much information as you can about your legal position. Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 can sometimes point you towards solicitors that deal with family law where there is hostility.

Good advice OP, who cares what he thinks, he's a cheat and a liar.

Thanks Jan45, I know he's the cheat and liar so why do I feel like I'm the one who's doing something wrong.

I know I sound a bit of a wimp but we're complete opposites and I hate confrontation and arguing. This stems from having an very unsettled childhood myself and is another reason why I'm so keen to protect my children from this.

The only thing you are doing wrong is spending another minute with this creep, you need to go find out about your rights and entitlements OP, he aint gonna change, he thinks he can just carry on wearing you down time and time again.

You are not a wimp either, you're a nice lady who is being treated appallingly, that's all. Best thing you can do for you and your kids is have a safe happy environment without worrying about a man child who can't keep it in his pants.

Hello. First off, it took me a long time to end my marriage to my ex-husband, so you have my empathy and sympathy. I wanted to leave for years.

Mammadiggingdeep is right - get yourself PROPER advice, by which I mean NOTHING THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR DH'S MOUTH WILL BE IN YOUR INTEREST. In some ways, I was in a stronger position than you are (I worked part time), but we also had significant credit card debt. In essence, I thought I would never cope and he reinforced that fear with every word he said. Thank god I saw a solicitor; she turned it all on its head.

You are in a far better position than either of you know. Please talk to a solicitor ASAP (as Mamma says, it can be free); they are well used to dealing with divorce-resisting men and will make light work of debunking the myths. I would recommend a female solicitor.

IMHO, the easiest divorce you can get is on the grounds of adultery, but it must have happened (beyond reasonable doubt) within the last 6 months, otherwise you are judged to have condoned it. Unreasonable behaviour is also pretty simple to get; I was able to submit very mild grounds which didn't particularly inflame my ex's outrage (stuff like, "He does not care about my emotional needs" etc).

Everything you say about him reminds me of my ex-husband. He was one controlling, bad-tempered bastard and it sounds like you've got one, too. I strongly recommend reading Living With the Dominator by Pat Craven www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/lwd.php He may not be physically abusing you, but you are afraid of him i.e. he is controlling you. PLEASE read this book. It changed my life.

Happy to keep in touch, if you want to PM. It took me 4-5 years to leave my ex, and I am so very relieved I finally managed to. It would be a pleasure to help someone else.

By the way, I also had a very unsettled, unhappy childhood, and very much didn't want to break up my children's home. My ex played upon that a lot.

They are very happy now. I'm not going to lie; putting the children through so much change was the hardest bit (although learning to deal with my ex wasn't easy - but I did it). The older one was unhappy when it first happened, but the younger one didn't appear to mind much at all. She liked having two bedrooms. They both benefitted from a continuation of their routine wherever possible (enabled by my solicitor supporting my retention of the house). My ex was a bit of a dick with them ("Poor Daddy's got to rent a house because Mummy's taken the big house"), but we have got through that, too.

One last thing! I am proud that I didn't waste any more years on that man. He had most of my thirties, but he wasn't going to have my forties, or anything beyond. I eventually learned to live alone (happily - having been a bit of an emotional leech for most of my adult life) and I was actually feeling really good about being single ... when I met my now DP. It is lovely to be with a supportive, kind partner who likes me (as well as loving me), but I'd have been ok without that. I was always going to be happier away from my ex. You will be, too. Don't give him any more years x

I lied: I do have another thing to say. My ex didn't cheat on me, but he was totally opposed to ending the marriage (despite being a total bastard). All my attempts to end it on the grounds of our mutual misery and his nastiness got me nowhere.

I ended up saying that I would go out and start having sex with other men if he didn't agree to a divorce. Something that HE would find untenable. So we could either do it cleanly, or I could make a fool of him publically; either way, I would get a divorce. That did it. Your DH may not respond in the same way, but it was a lightbulb moment for me.

He alternated between nastiness and declarations of love until he finally left: then, finally, life started. Don't trust the good stuff any more than you need accept the bad stuff.

Thanks Kairos I can relate to alot of what you've said.
We've been together 20 years but he's my partner not my husband. Although I don't need to worry about divorce, not being married almost seems to be making leaving him harder, this is why I've had more trouble working out what my rights are as alot of info online seems to relate to married couples. Thanks any way it seems clear I going to have to find a solicitor to advise what to do next.