How much does divorce affect/ harm children?

[SnowNotSoWhite]

I have 4 kids ranging from 2-15 years. XP and I separated almost a year ago. Eldest DC appear to be fine on the surface of it but 8 yo is struggling. Toddler knows no differently and that breaks my heart in a different way.
I know it's better this way as I could not spend another minute with XP living without a voice, emotional support etc but what damage have I done to the DC?

Now you have reclaimed your voice you are a better, stronger, more authentic mum who is infinitely better equipped to assist and support them through any difficulties.

I was very much damaged, emotionally, by my parents' divorce and have just come to terms with it, 30 years later, after finding some decent counselling at last.

It affected my whole life.

Because nobody talked about it. My parents were so desperate not to say the wrong things, that they never said anything.

So I learned to say nothing. I've repressed pretty much every emotion ever since.

Talk to the children, listen to them. Find them someone else who can listen if you can't.

They can be perfectly fine.

There's a recent long thread with a similar title. I'd look it up as hopefully it will give you some reassurance and support. I have no wise words other than as has already been said, listen, support, communicate and know that you have their best interests at heart and will no doubt support them the very best you can.

On the whole it is not fun for them, unless the relationship was very abusive/argumentative when together. There's no dressing it up.

a lot less than growing up in an abusive or violent household.

also wasn't there some new study out recently that said children are better off with one or two loan parents than two togetherwarring parents? maybe I dreamt it.

Ex and I weren't married but were together 14 years (6 years were pre dc's)
Kids were just turned 4 and 7 when we went our separate ways.
We both talked to the children individually and reassured them that they were loved by us both.
We answered any questions that arose.
Ex and i were able to maintain an amicable relationship while we were separating even though at the time I hated him with every cell in my body

Maybe we were lucky but fast forward 7 years and we both have an incredibly close relationship with dc's. Dads the "fun" parent , but im the "reliable" parent (so eldest ds says)

Only advice I can offer is plenty of cuddles, talk to your dc's and remember a home with one happy parent is better than a home with one or two unhappy ones.

Take care.

When I split from STBXH my then ten-yr-old (very sensitive people pleaser) slept in bed together and had endless cuddles on the sofa and I checked in with her loads, have her ample opportunity to express her feelings, even the ones I didn't want to hear. I still check in with her from time to time, she's back in own bed (mostly!) 11years old, developing and thriving and happy.

My 9yo is totally and utterly unfazed by the whole thing.

When you say your 8yo is struggling, what is happening exactly? The dynamics of a large family are complicated, relationship breakdown adds another layer and sometimes the problems can be coincidental rather than causal. i.e. 8yos are capable of struggling whether there has been a divorce or not. Children can also be quite opportunistic when it comes to making adults sweat...

Generally speaking, the 'ideal' to aim for is that as parents you remain as consistent and as civil as possible where the children are concerned. Stability and security all the way... even if the family is in different locations. It's important that children know they can ask a question and get an honest answer from either parent and that there are no no-go-areas of conversation. Was the split amicable or acrimonious?

Thanks for the replies. I feel like I am trying to keep it amicable and include'hows dad' in our conversations a lot. 8 yo just wants us to be together in the same house.
The problem is that he's has no emotional intelligence and drives me mad and homicidal with his utter obtuseness when I try to raise anything that requires emotional sensitivity or insight. he's a total fud my voice is still stifled as I have to accept all the sweary crap he throws my way as I'm thinking of the long game- I try to stick up for my point of view and he's all red mist. fucking hate him and myself for putting up with it for so long -Agree with ludoole on that one. Often so depressing to think that I'm always going to have to have him in my life because of the kids.
Shit, have hijacked my own post!