bitterly jealous of my friends beauty

[theuglysister]

I have been friends since university with one of my closest female friends. We are both in our mid 30's now and have been though each others ups and downs and it has been a great friendship, one of the best which makes what is happeneing now even harder to cope with.

One of our shard interests is beauty and skincare we both have issues about our looks so we always bonded over that. She had a very young face and skin but was about 70lbs too heavy, I was slim but looked older, more wrinkles etc.

In the past year after a health scare she radically changed her diet and lifestyle, she dropped her excess weight and began taking car of herself. The result is incredible, she is slim and looks so young and fresh, she could easily pass for her early 20's and she is beautiful.

I am happy for her but I am also bitterly envious of her transformation. She has been very open with me about all she has done to achieve her new look what books she read, what exercise, treatments and food she ate as well as skincare etc I have tried to take some of it on board but I find it overwhelming. She also was in a better position to begin with as she never, smoked, sun bathed or drank booze so her skin was very youthful anyway.

I have found myself not really wanting to go out with her as I feel so aware of how crap I look next to her with long glossy hair and her line free face. If I have her over my dp hangs around with his tongue out. He always liked her a lot personality wise, he thinks she is more intellectual than me but he wasn't attracted to her but now he is.

Its pretty much ruining the best friendship I have because I feel so jealous. Everything is falling into place for her, looks, career a new home while it all feels over for me.

Is it better just to to see her for a while?

I think you really, really need to try and be happy for her op. she has always been there for you good for her she is getting her life back. I bet if it was the other way around she would be happy for you.

To be honest, if the friend was indeed a good friend, she shouldn't brag either to the op, cos now she question herself too! Suddenly, everything bad is like highlighted tenfolds. You have to ask yourself why these kind of toxic relationships can exist to begin with. IF she could say such things, then I do not see why the OP cannot be honest with her of how she feels. It is still a female relationship. A relationship can only be as good as you invest in it too. How can a relationship turn into a good one, if her friends does not know how she feels and try to draw a line of respect and actually play down what has happened to her ?

When I was growing up, I had lots of female cousins, and also my sister too. Golden female rule is, not to make the other ones feel bad about themselves.

I had a friend who was very pretty, about 15 years ago. It is difficult at times. We live in a world that makes a massive, massive deal about women's appearance, and when you are constantly being told that you are 'inferior' to your friend, it can make you feel pretty wretched.
While I'm not hideous, I have never been 'pretty' (too chubby,scruffy and I have wierd taste in clothes) and always felt fine with the idea that what was attractive about me was my personality - but those nights out with my friend did lead to some spells of utter misery. I found myself being cast as ugly sister/cockblocker/bodyguard a lot of the time, particularly as it was always down to me to deal with the unwanted attention she got.Still, we adjusted and carried on having loads of fun together.

When I clicked on this thread I heard an odd sound. Then I realised it was just the sound of MariannaM blowing her own trumpet. Not a single word you wrote offered any constructive advice or words.

*and have often wondered if some women who have put on weight, aged more quickly etc are resentful of this...

Pitiful, petty.*

People tend to dislike large egos over jealousy. Jealousy is a natural emotion felt by everyone (& anyone who says they aren't jealous of someone for something I don't believe). Jealousy is also an emotion that is very hard to admit to so please cut theuglysister some slack for being honest.

Calling her a bad friend is so unnecessary. How can you say that her feeling jealous is being a bad friend?? That's ridiculous.

theuglysister , I admire you for writing an honest post about an emotion we have all felt at some point. I know it's easier said than done but please try to focus on the good things about yourself too. Your friend will have an insecurity of her own, I'm sure & might even be envious of one of your qualities or features. Think of something you like about yourself that is unique to you - Your eyes, face shape, legs etc & whenever you feel bad about yourself, remind yourself of this feature.

As far as your DP is concerned, if it really does upset you, I'd take him aside & tell him honestly. He might not even realise he's making it so obvious & will probably be embarrassed that he has.

My only addition to this thread is to comment on why we are placing such value on the way we look. We get what we are given and within reason, that's it. Work with it, enjoy it and take care of it. I always feel sad when I hear women say stuff like this. Men don't. We are more than our looks. And hating other women for looking good is terrible. We are not adversaries. I think the best thing to do is more exercise and water. And do some of those things your friend only talked about. And work on your self esteem so you don't feel better because your friend looks less good than you . That's awful. Now she is gone from that position, your insecurities are still there. They are the issue.

A big from me.

Sorry but that's pathetic

Your DP sounds like a bit of an arse with his intellectual comment.

We have an array of friends and while I don't think I hang around with stupid people, there are definitely the more 'intellectual', those with a bit more common sense and everything in-between.

My DP would never be so bloody stupid as to suggest a female friend was more 'intellectual' or anything along those lines. He knows I'm sensitive about weight, so unless I actually asked 'is X slimmer than me' he wouldn't suggest it.

This isn't one-sided btw. I don't mock him when he says daft things or compare him in any way to male friends or exes. That doesn't mean that I am blind and deaf to his good / bad qualities, but it means I'm sensitive to his feelings. I am not particularly sensitive BTW. I am entirely cack-handed in many a social sense. I still wouldn't tell DP a uni friend was better looking / younger looking / more intellectual. I might say one was older looking or came across as a bit dim tbh, but then I didn't say I was always nice universally

Love how when someone's brave enough to admit that they judge people on looks or are jealous of someone for their appearance some peoples' first reaction is to....judge them [slow clap]

If we're ever going to manage to reduce how much importance society places on looks then we have to figure out why people feel that way, not shoot them down when they admit they do it and want to remedy it.

OP, it's hard when a friendship suddenly shifts dynamic. All through your relationship you've been "the hot one", and she's been "the smart one" or, "the funny one". Now she's lost weight and you're like, "back this shit up!". You feel like you're no longer on an even keel, and that she's somehow better than you at life. It doesn't help when you feel like your DP is basically intimating that she had the brains and now she's got the looks too- the entire package. Knob.

I know when I feel jealous it's because it's because I feel inferior about something- so if it's someone's figure, I feel bad because I'm too lazy to go to the gym. If it's my friend living in Australia, it's because I wish I had the balls to do something like that. Essentially, it's not them, it's me. Do you fill fulfilled? Not just looks wise- do you feel like you're just drifting along and you're jealous, really, of the fact your friend has taken the bull by the horns and sorted herself out?

Also, while I know this is not universally approved of as a coping mechanism, it can be helpful to consider the whole picture.

A highly academic, bohemian friend is very happy...but very skint.

An ex-pat friend who is not at all academic, but an absolute grafter is rolling in money he doesn't know what to do with, but working mad hours and homesick.

A beautiful acquaintance can get any man she wants. Unfortunately this means women avoid her. That might be okay if she didn't keep getting involved with the most awful men.

I'm not trying to be negative about my friends, even if it looks that way, but just suggesting that looking at one aspect leads to envy, whereas reality is more nuanced.

If her beauty is upsetting you that much, maybe your friend is better off without you in her life.

I think it sounds like you are feeling a bit down about how you look OP. I feel for you as Ive been there. I felt overweight and plain. It seemed everyone around me was more attractive and i was invisible. It didnt suit my personality and i became quite depressed about it. I realised the cause...death of my parents, separation from my partner. I wasnt sleeping, I comfort ate.
However, now I feel much better and look after myself and its made a huge difference. Beauty shines from within as well as your exterior. Concentrate on being you and find ways to like yourself. Once your confidence increases, your friend's beauty will be something you admire in her. Good luck.

"she is changing doing the things we only ever talked about"

Is this the real problem?

Plus the deeply inconsiderate behaviour of your DP?

What sorts of things did you talk about that she is now doing? Can you alter those bits of your life?

I admire the OP for admitting that she is jealous.
Jealousy is hard to admit.
I whether we like it or not , society is obsessed by physical beauty,
OP is feeling bad about herself and her friends reinvention has reinforced this.
OP, you have accepted that you are envious of your friend now you can do things to change your own life , I just don't mean exercise, diet etc . Read more , look after yourself
and tell your dh that ( insert a male's name) is a great intellectual .

OP, I think you should read what oikopolis wrote - that is absolutely the heart of the matter, spot on. Appearances change, mostly out of our control but we do have control over our attitudes, and getting a grip on yours will help you and your friend.

Your p is a knobber.

This sounds a bit pat, but I think you need counselling. She's not the problem I'm afraid. Acceptance of yourself is the key, and if you can't do that on your own, you need some help to get there.

You've always bonded over your issues with your looks?

It seems you've very insecure in your own skin (as was she).

She worked very hard to change her lifestyle.

You didn't.

Suddenly, you find you're jealous because she's gaining confidence and people are responding positively to her transformation. Meanwhile you're not only still insecure (I won't comment on the obvious wanker of partner who probably further undermines your confidence)...her achievement is making you more insecure and even jealous.

You know you're out of order, otherwise you wouldn't have bothered seeking advice here.

I think you need to remember your friend found internal motivation to change her behaviour, which in turn changed her appearance.

You should follow her lead and work on your insecurity issues. Whether counseling or books, if you figure out why you're so insecure and take steps to change ... I think you will find your life is coming together too.

You might find a great partner who will make you feel like you're the most beautiful woman in the room. You might even find you're happy for your friend's achievements.

Hi OP,

Being honest with yourself about your feelings is an important first step to changing things so that you feel happier. Well done on doing that - it isn't always pretty!

The bit that jumped out at me from my post is that you see your friend doing all the things you dreamed of doing, and you can't.

Now, unless you dreamed of being a supermodel and/or having endless men drooling over you simply because of the way you looked, then I would be surprised if your appearance was terribly relevant to getting to do the things you would love to do.

Your self-esteem and confidence, on the other hand, would be very relevant.

I would second the suggestion that you do some work on your feelings about yourself. A counsellor might be really helpful for this, or there are plenty of decent self-help books around.

I know exactly where you are coming from OP but for me its my sister. She is labelled the 'pretty' one. Its hard, and I'm very jealous. Also I'm just so intrigued to know what it would be like to be 'pretty'.
I don't think you're a bad person or a bad friend just an honest one