Should I be worried about this?

[gigglygirlygirl]

I have been dating a man I met on line for just over 4 months now. It has been going well even though we don't get to see each other a lot as I work shifts and he also works shifts and has a son with his ex wife. He is kind and thoughtful when we are together although there is stress with the ex wife.

I have only really had one relationship before this one and am inexperienced with men so I don't know if I am worrying over nothing.

There are two issues at the moment - one is that I haven't dated someone with a child before and there seems to be a lot of times when his ex changes plans at short notice and I am not sure how to deal with that.

The other is that he has mentioned certain bedroom things. No pressure or anything but it makes me wonder if I am too boring for him.

Another bit of an issue is that his ex is the total opposite to me and I thought that people had a type?

I don't want to mess up something good just because I am not used to being in a relationship and haven't been involved with someone older than me before.

hmm. what are your respective ages?

Ex issues are always going to be there when they share dc. up to you to decide if you can deal with that.

If he's doing/saying anything that makes you feel uncomfortable re sex then yes, that is a problem

I am 28 and he is 42.

He spends a lot of time with his son but his ex seems a bit demanding.

It isn't exactly making me uncomfortable but I am realising how inexperienced I am. I just don't know what normal is!

Normal is what you are comfortable with, what you want with that person.

He is a lot older than you and has experienced a lot more life than you. It's very early days so just take things slowly. He has been round the block somewhat and has baggage whereas you are still young and don't have the added difficulties of stressful ex's and a child who will quite rightly take up a lot of his time and energy. Just enjoy the good things about the relationship and see how it pans out with the obstacles. Please don't think of yourself as too boring for him. Just do what you are comfortable with and at your pace. This might not be the right man for you, long term, but only time will tell. Listen to your heart but be very level headed with your judgement.

He does spend a lot of time with his son and when his ex says jump he jumps. Lots of guilt trips about not being there enough for him.

I am trying to be level headed about it. My friends aren't much use as they aren't looking for serious relationships or they aren't looking to get involved with someone with baggage. Their comments are that they want to be the priority and not kept waiting when something goes on with the child and not getting plans swapped around.

I don't know anything really about his dating past but I do know that I am not the type he normally goes for.

People with children from previous relationships are going to have calls on their time. There's nothing you can really do about it except to decide whether the amount of time they spend doing that is OK for you or not. If not, then the person is not right for you. Most women your age I suspect would be of the same view as your friends.

Ditto in the bedroom. He may be only mentioning things but already you're feeling inexperienced and wondering if you're normal. If you are uncomfortable with anything he says or does then he is not right for you. A good lover is sensitive enough to bring you along with them, not make you feel stupid.

Re his child. I think he needs to have firm arrangements. I have a dd and I wouldn't dream of messing my ex round and messing routine, yet I am flexible.

Re the bedroom. I split with ex last year. He was my first sexual relationship and I'd been with him 10 years. I felt like a virgin again! I had a bit of casual thing with a guy who was quite adventurous in the bedroom. At first I was nervous but he was so sweet with me and I learnt so much. Without going in to too much detail there were things I said no to at first but after being with him a few months I trusted him.

I never did anything I wasn't comfortable with and on reflection I see him as a bit of a 'teacher'.

I think there's a hell of a difference between 28 and 42; when you are 42 I think you'll agree. I'm older than that, even, and think that there's an awful lot of development/growing up that occurs between those ages. That alone would make me think the relationship was unsuitable, but I daresay a lot of people on here will jump on me for that, but it's the same difference as there is between him and a 60 year old and I bet anything he won't be looking at those women with a view to having a relationship with them.

Four months in and he's talking about sexual activities that you're not sure about. I would bet my house he's not unfamiliar with online porn.

Sometimes, just sometimes, the ex wife knows what kind of man her ex is. Don't write her off just yet; you don't know the situation fully.

I think at 28 I'd be going for someone who's going through all this for the first time, just like your friends.

I think like bananas said it is a bit strange now because I am inexperienced. I mean I read the period sex thread and was shocked and genuinely didn't realise that people did that!

I don't want to mess up something good because I make things into big issues in my mind. I don't have any idea how men think though. When we first met we were texting loads and that has slowed down. That might be natural though. I don't know much at all about his divorce or relationships since then but the conversation never comes up as I don't have much of a past and he knows that.

I really think I am falling for him.

You'll never have any idea 'how men think' because there are several billion of them on the planet and they are all individuals. If you want someone who is more attentive and his text messages have dropped off, tell him. If you're interested in his divorce or past relationships, have a conversation. You can learn a lot about someone in the way they talk about old partners, in fact.

It's clear you don't have much experience, unfortunately. Be careful that 'falling for him' doesn't actually translate to 'pathetically grateful for a few crumbs of affection.' People tend to take advantage of that.

you sound very young (god I feel old typing that!), whereas he clearly has a lot more experience and has lived some more life. There's nothing wrong with that, but what you need to do is to find where you both fit and how everything fits with your relationship.

In terms of his having a child and having to cancel plans at short notice for him, tbh this clearly shows that he is a committed father and that in itself is a good trait. But only you can decide whether or not it is something you want in your own life at the moment. There's IMO no shame in admitting that a relationship with someone who has children is not for you. Being with someone who already has kids is bloody hard and it isn't for everyone. But equally some people take it on with no issue at all so there really is no right or wrong answer.

In terms of things that you're not comfortable with, inexperience can sometimes lead to feelings of inadequacy, but if you're not comfortable then you need to tell him that, and if he is a decent bloke he will understand that and not pressure you into anything. if he does then he clearly isn't a decent bloke and I would walk away.

Good luck

Your boyfriend has a child so yes he has different priorities to your friends' childless dates. Your partner's ex is most likely only concerned with maintaining a good relationship with him for their child's sake, not scoring points against new partners. So flexiblity can pose problems and yes occasionally plans may change at short notice.

Mind you an unprincipled person could use something like "unexpected childcare" (NB not 'babysitting' when s/he's one's own child) or "My ex is being so unreasonable" as an excuse or get-out clause when he knows you are unlikely to moan or push him further about it.

Don't get too hung up on 'types' you risk writing off the number of available people if you are busy categorising potential partners.

You're mentioning your own naivety a lot here. That might appeal to a character who likes to be the one in charge but be careful you don't portray yourself as someone willing to be a doormat.

Finally, any time you feel that you aren't ready for or don't fancy something intimate then say so. Someone who hints you are competing with others who are willing and able isn't a good prospect. It isn't mandatory to fulfil every wish or fantasy your partner has. Equally he has his part to play in making you happy, it's not all your responsibility.

I am not sure how to bring up a conversation about the divorce and exs. I probably should have asked earlier on but didn't think about it.

I like that he is committed to his son. I wouldn't like to think I was with someone who could walk away from their child.

He isn't putting any pressure on me but I am just good at putting pressure on myself.

I am much, much older than you but when I was your age I had a relationship with someone much older who had a "demanding" ex wife, DCs etc.

I wasted 2 years with him. He was too old, all his money went to his ex, all his time went to his work and his DC. After the first heady few weeks it was just dull and upsetting. I was never a priority.

You man doesn't seem to be bringing you that much happiness, even though its a new relationship. Personally OP I'd move on whilst you're not too emotionally entangled.

If you're not sure how to talk about divorce, don't date a divorced man. You seem rather insecure, immature and reluctant to express yourself even slightly about anything (sex, divorce, his child, your needs) and I'm afraid that lack of assertiveness is setting you up for a fall. Are you afraid he'll dump you if you ask a few awkward questions or make some demands? Is that the problem here?

Curiosity is natural though if you are insecure to start with you may find his past relationship was not all black and white. As trust builds up he may well fill you in on what you want to know about the divorce or circumstances leading to it. He and his wife were a unit - they had a son together - they are still in the picture but for whatever reason the two adults split up. You know there are two sides to every story so even if he explained in minutest detail, you're only hearing one side, right?

Fwiw if so far DP hasn't bent your ear telling you how awful she was that is a good sign. The boyfriend who talks incessantly about his wicked devious ex who has an agenda or who is now a money-grabber or sexually inadequate is a man to avoid.