To still be angry so many years later?

[Musetta]

Inspired by another thread.

My dh cheated on me years ago in the most spectacular fashion-he had a threesome with two prostitutes and was caught/prosecuted. At the time we were going through a horrendous time due to bereavement and I was pretty much a zombie through the whole period.

I left breifly but returned as I was just in a fog. Both our families knew too.

My issue is that dh has never talked about it/shown remorse properly.He maintains that it was all a misunderstanding-that he thought he was a going to a party,blah,blah,blah,did'nt know they were prostitutes etc.

He has never explained to me what actually happened or really said sorry and if I bring it up then he either refuses to discuss it or tries to turn it back on me-I had a one night stand a couple of years ago with another woman.

Our families also never speak of it. Dh's family think he is fantastic and blamed it all on his drinking issues My family dislike dh immensely but are polite for my sake.

I feel so angry all the time and its is destroying me-I just can't move past this even though it was years ago. Yes we do have lots of problems in our marriage and yes I should have left and never went back. I am a fucking idiot.

Just wanted to vent really.

Putting food on the table is what normal men/women do for their families, no one gets cannonised for it. Looking after four kids is not exactly a cakewalk either.

How old are your DCs?

I would rather not say the exact ages spatch but they range in age from secondary school down to a 3 year old.

Dh does not see me looking after dcs as work-he massively resents me not working tbh but will not sit down and have a proper discussion about how we would manage childcare. He does work extremely long hours.

Well tough shit for him. You work long hours too with kids that age and it's a thankless job without a salary.

What is the debt (without going into specifics). If it's credit cards in his name he will be liable for it, for example.

Is your 3-year-old eligible for some free hours at nursery?

OP, when my DH and I divorced the house was in his name only but legally it was it was regarded as a joint asset of the marriage.

Also, he could not remove me from the house until the youngest child left full-time education (so, 18 years old).

This is true.

I also received help with all sorts of things - tax credits, childcare, etc - and got back on my feet much more easily than I would have thought, tbh.

He has a couple of bank loans and owes about £7000 on a credit card. He earns ok money but we are both terrible with cash. I know for a fact if we split that he would not be happy about having to give me money.

My ExH isn't happy. But he does what the court order and the CSA tell him to do.

I have nothing to do with him.

Since they're in his name those debts are his, then. They won't get split. Even if they were shared loans the bank would still be coming after him as the main earner.

(someone feel free to put me right on this but I'm pretty sure this is how it goes).

And totally agree with LineRunner. His happiness doesn't really come into it. We're all bound by the law.

I know a man who did something similar to his wife (a male friend who confided in me) and I have to say he is a generally nice guy and appears to be a good husband to her so I can completely understand why it is so confusing.

However, I honestly think some people have a slack capacity for real love and respect in a relationship and if I were you I would end the marriage and look for someone who'd not done that for me.

The reason being, it takes a special kind of mind to orchestrate a two hooker threesome.

Second, he clearly intended to have sex with them so he is still lying to you.

That's not what you (or anyone) deserves in a life partner. He's meant to be the one person you can trust and you can;t trust him at all. He's not remorseful - he's still lying.

Please please please speak to women's aid.
Start there, and move on with their support to legal advice.
You'll get at least half the house I expect, and the right to stay in it mostly likely. Pension share too.
You probably wouldn't take any debt in itself - as in needing to pay it back there and then. More likely, if the debt is a marital debt, you'll just take your "half" off the house equity that he owes you. So you get a bit less house, but you're not paying any creditors from your new incomings.
You need to find out (WA will help) exactly what you would be entitled to - I expect it's more than you think.
This anger will not go away, because it is RIGHTEOUS anger. It doesn't make you a good person if you can forgive and forget.
You sound desperately unhappy even without his disgusting prostitute behaviour.
You know it is perfectly OK to say "I'm leaving you for it" whenever it happened? You don't have to forgive and forget. The anger is there for a reason.
And the lies about it, refusal to address it... I feel for you. I know just how much anger that builds - my ex also slept with prostitutes and we couldn't even row about it because he denied it constantly. The only place he ever admitted it was on the divorce petition!! :)

On your bereavement - I am sorry for your loss. I wonder if the counseling making it worse was because you couldn't shut down from it, and it might have been getting worse before it can get better? It's a lot carry inside you. How about looking at the bereavement boards here? You may find counseling can help after all.

Good luck x

"The debt is solely in his name, as is the house although we are married."

In which case you could come out of this still living in the house with your children until the last one ceases to be a dependent. You get 50% of the equity if it has to be sold and he has until then to pay off whatever debts he currently has. They are in his sole name so he has to pay them.

There are quite decent benefits available to women with children, particularly those under school-age. No benefit-cap for those working 16 hours a week or more. It doesn't matter that should you split he'd not be happy giving you money, he wouldn't have a choice if you went via CSA for child-support.

Being skint for a bit is a whole world of difference to living with a dishonest and unrepentant philanderer. A philanderer who consorted with PROSTITUTES and makes threats to prevent you from thinking about ending your marriage.

Just say he owed £20K.
And I said to you, honey - I can sell you happiness for £10K, if you want it.
Happiness, calm, peace, a release from the constant knowing anger.
You'd say - £10K? Bargain!

The debts are in his name, which means no creditors can hound you for them. Even if the VALUE of the debts are split, he doesn't get to say "hey Barclays - go hassle the ex".
There are NO guaranteed rules in divorce splits, but a solicitor will know what is acceptable - to a court, not that tosser.
If it is agreed that the debt value is split (e.g. If it's 5 years of family holidays, rather than one car for him) you won't have to find the cash to pay back a credit card company. Instead, you would propose "see that £30K of pension pot that you need to transfer to me? I'll take £25k and none of the debt".
And the great bit is, you get the solicitor to do the talking, I'd you can't face the fight directly.

Please - Women's Aid. Get some practical and emotional support to guide you through this.

You don't have to dump the wanker tomorrow. Start squirreling money away.photocopy anything financial. Get information. Get your ducks in a row.

I feel so much for you - for me, the 8 years of denial were harder than the actual prostitutes. If he had just said "I did a bad thing" - even without an apology! - I think I would be less angry now.

You will find lots of women on here who have left a bad marriage as a SAHM and had all manner of shit in doing so - and of course those who found it easier than expected :)
But what I have NEVER seen on here, is anyone who said they weren't glad they'd gone.
It is utterly soul destroying.

Hey OP, I guess you're finding this overwhelming. People have strong opinions about what you should or could do......it's only because they have been through it themselves or know how much better life could be for you. No one here wants you to suffer in this marriage a second longer because life is too short for that.

They give good advice, take some time to absorb it and go from there. Have hope, things can get better if you let them.

I'm sorry you're so miserable OP. I really feel for you.

IMO this bitterness, hatred and unhappiness will never go away as long as you're in this relationship. The best that could happen is that you will completely shut down emotionally as a coping mechanism, but that would probably damage your DC as much as it would shield you.

You need to leave IMO. For the sake of your own MH. I think it would help you to accept that as one of those things you have to do in life, just as much as paying taxes or feeding your DC. Then it just becomes a question of how you do that, which is just details and becomes easier once you accept that it simply has to be done.

There are lots of things you can do in order to avoid the awfulness of a homeless shelter. If you contacted Women's Aid they would be able to talk you through your options. You can also get some free legal advice and take steps to prepare things for your departure so that you can make the transition as smooth as possible. It's not a case of fleeing in the middle of the night with just the clothes on your back and nowhere to go.

It won't be easy, no, but the payoff is the return of your self-esteem and agency over your own life again.

Right now, you're at stage one, so don't feel pressure to go immediately. Why not set yourself some goals just to get some information about what you could do, what you would be entitled to, etc. No one needs to know other than you so nothing will have changed in your life.

Good luck.

Sorry OP, I wasn't taking into account your emotions in all of this.

Just arm yourself with knowledge, you don't have to act on any of it but you know nothing at the moment about what you would be entitled to.

His argument about having to go work to provide, tell him he can stay at home and look after the kids whilst you go out and communicate with the rest of the world and have nice lunches with colleague and drinks after work, it was him who impregnated you right? So he wants the kids but is resentful the mother of those said kids looks after them, where is the logic in any of that.

He can laugh in your face all he wants, he will have to give you 50% and he will definitely have to pay maintenance for his kids, fact.