Only here for the kids?

[enemy]

I am so lonely and depressed. DH says he is only with me because of the children. He never shows any affection to me at all (inc no sex) except for the peck when leaving and returning from work. He talks to me pleasently and we go out and have fun with the kids and all but I just want to be acknowledged as a wife and be noticed. I do still love him as he has many qualities but I need more from him than just financial safety. I know ther is no one else and he throws himself into work. I cant go on like this neither can I walk away and give him access every other wkend and alternate xmas's, I would rather die. Who else would stick with this?

Some times men need a good kick up the backside to make them realise what they have.

Can you not go out with your friends, pamper yourself a little maybe? It might get him to look at you for who you are rather than just a Mum.

Have lots of sympathy for you as I think most women do feel like this at one stage in their lives.

speaking as a single mum, you CAN manage with the access thing if life is that miserable at home...

however if you can make your marriage happy & loving again, do try. Have you sat down & talked to DH about this? He seems v cold to say that hes only here for the kids....you deserve more than that

of course you need more than finanical support - you need emotional support too

sorry you sound so down about it all

someone else will be along soon with better advice

I do look after myself, am really well groomed etc and do go out with friends. He stopped loving my after I had a couple of bouts of pnd three years back and I've struggled on since then. He is very undemonstrative and has never really let me get close (afraid of hurt) and this is a huge barrier which I have been unable to break through. Says he only trusts his parents and best friend as they will ALWAYS be there for him and not leave him. I wont either but hes just not having it. Knowing that he does not love me makes it virtually impossible for me to show any love to him if you can understand that.

if you wanna save your marriage
fight for it

and show him what he is missing

start being a bit coy, do yourself up a bit
and give him a few deaf and dumb dinners (no nooks)
wear sexy underwear
all sorts of things
till you grab his attention

when you have
his attention, have a good chat that you dont want things to turn to what they were

also start by organizing one night a week/fortnight/month when you both have time to yourselves with no children
and no other distractions
good luck
xxxx

cross post
if you dont love eachother
get rid
and start again

Thanx mistressmiggins, I know I CAN do the single mum and access thing but my kids are my life my very existance (both IVF and 1 12 wk prem)but I would rather not be here than give them up for even one wkend or one xmas day.

19yr annivers 2day, he gave me a card but did not bother with the verbal greeting, that hurt a lot. Guess I'll get an obligatory bunch of flowers tonite. I would say I'm a pretty good catch, thats the confusing bit what does he want a scruffy, grateful wife? Also complains I spend too much money but then I do to compensate for his lack of attention to me. Anyway, he can MORE than afford it and that in itself is him trying to control me and keep me down.

Everyone deserves to be loved. You say he's only there for the kids, so what will happen when the kids leave home, will he leave too? I know that at the moment your children are your world, but in 15, 20, 25 years time they will have left home, and if you stay in this loveless relationship what will you be left with then? It's not just the here and now you need to be thinking of, for now it's easier to stay than to leave, but in 20 years your children will have left home, and if your h decides then that he wants to leave how will that make you feel? Can you live now knowing that in 20 years you will have no husband, no relationship, and are on your own at a time in your life where it is a lot harder to build a future than at the age you are currently now?

Children are resilliant, in fact most children pick up on things very well and when they're older your children will know that they grew up in a home where there was no love between their parents. Is that what you want for your children?

You need to decide what you want, and what you feel you can cope with. If you want to rebuild your marriage, then try and make the effort to get your h to fall in love with you again. He loved you once, you need to re-create that love between you. But if you don't think he will ever love you again, then you need to weigh up being in a loveless relationship against being in a situation where you potentially will find happyness with someone else again. Only you can decide, but remember that you deserve to be happy.

good luck xx

great post wannabe

Your so right wannabe, I never really looked to the day when the kids grow up and leave, altho I'll be so old by then I probably wont care (50 now) Kids 7 and 11 and DH 43. I do deserve so much more, I've backed him all the way these last 12 years building up his little business empire (would hate to think some other female would reap any benefits). I guess I have invested a considerable amount of time and trust to give up now. He is obviously not going anywhere at the moment and currently discussing with me the paint jobs required in our big new house we built last year and extra furniture we need. Im glad I came on here to have a moan, thanks everyone. I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED, starting today, he WILL treat me better (or else!!!!!!!) Wish me luck, I cant go on feeling so sad.

Well I got the bunch of flowers, again no verbal anniversary greeting. Acted as usual with me like it was any other day. I had a glass of wine and he seemed unaware of my sad mood. Eventually asked what was wrong when I was going to bed and it all came out agin. Told him I was sad to be in a 19yr marriage when I know he doesnt love me etc and I cry every day . Ended up talking for 2 hours until 1am when he again insisted our weak relationship is ALL MY FAULT! Well it would be wouldnt it, I'm the woman! Says things like if your so unhappy then why do you stay. I cant believe you do love me because if you did we wouldnt argue and you would show your love. Nothing I ever do for you is ever good enough etc. Your never happy with anything. I feel I am fighting a losing battle. I feel he is very insecure despite being a big shot at his company and he doesnt show any affection to me either. I JUST CANNOT WALK AWAY, my kids will ALWAYS come before my feelings.

children need a happy mum.
you obviously aren't happy, your children will see that.
do you love your husband? does he love you?

Yes I do love him but he shows no love at all altho he is still here as he doesnt really want to go either. Did relate 3yrs ago and decieded we are intelligent prople and they had no better thoughts than ourselves. He is a very hardworking business man and I feel neglected and need him to show love to me. I spend so much time on my own in our big fancy house I feel under valued. I go to exercise classes and see a couple of friends etc and even have the odd nite out but he doesnt give me enough cash to do more than that. I dont want a job (we dont need the money) and my priority is to be here for the kids b4 and after school etc. Also the house is so big I havent got time to work as I keep this house going.

It sounds like you've lost "you" and are so desperately unhappy. I believe we all have a purpose for being here and when we lose track of our unique purpose we feel so dispondant and can't move on and going round in circles and no one understands etc. This is going to sound a bit new age but check out www.aura-soma.net and think about going for an aura soma reading. Bit off the wall but gives you a new focus and new creative ideas and helps you get back in touch with your purpose. I went for one and it really made me feel "yes i am a worthwhile person and I do deserve more". It's just a small step but it got me out of a rut. It's not tarot or anything like that, its doesn't predict the future not fortune telling. its all to do with picking colours that the therapist then can use to give you some ideas about yourself.Good luck and am sending you some reiki

Hi enemy!
Ask yourself the question

'Where do YOU want to be in say 2years time?'

IF you answered 'Don't know' turn the question round

'Where don't YOU want to be in 2 years time?'

Actually Tribeoffive I want to be where I am today, with DH just a lot happier! I def don't want to be alone or with someone else. I knowwe can get back to a good place together if only he would let me in

Okay thats a start
You most definitely now need to sit down with your DH and talk in order to DO something.
Put the same question to him - act on answer good or bad
I am a great believer in 'whats for you won't go by you'
Good luck

Hey @enemy I came across this post from 2006—18 years ago now. You were 50 when you wrote it, and your kids were 7 and 11. Just wondering how things turned out? It’s been a long time!