I could really do with some perspective on this one – will try to be as brief as possible without drip-feeding.
Backstory in a nutshell – married 13 years, 2 young DCs, we both work full-time but 95% of domestic and child-related stuff ends up falling to me. H is a workaholic who is prone to selfish and entitled behaviour – frequently prioritises his own needs at the expense of mine, tends to respond to requests for more domestic input with EA behaviour (albeit relatively mild). Relationship has gradually deteriorated since DCs – I’m not happy about manchild behaviour and lack of partnership, he’s not happy that I nag him to contribute more.
About 2 years ago, he began to get more irritable and moody. I confronted him, he admitted that he was unhappy but refused to tell me why – but also expected me to work it out (had the “If you really loved me you would know what was wrong” speech). After about 6 months of this he finally confessed that he had developed an infatuation with a much younger work colleague.
Although for various reasons I am quite sure that there was no physical or even reciprocated emotional affair, the infatuation had been going on for 2 years and was apparently preoccupying him to the point of interfering with his work. He only told me about it because he had finally told the woman herself about his “romantic feelings” (under the guise of explaining to her why they could no longer work together), she made a formal complaint at work and he was worried that I would hear about it from someone else.
At first he seemed genuinely contrite, took responsibility, talked about wanting to save the marriage, took me out for a meal for the first time in years so that we could talk. However quite soon this moved on to minimising behaviour – complaining about being badly treated by work colleagues who expressed disapproval of his actions, telling me that because it wasn’t an actual affair I shouldn’t be upset by it, that I hadn’t seemed that bothered when he told me about it.
He also seemed to want me to take a significant share of responsibility for the situation – saying that I had changed in my feelings for him, that I wasn’t showing him enough affection or doing enough to show him I wanted to save the marriage. He had a few sessions of individual counselling but gave up when he realised that it wasn’t going to provide a quick fix. He has increased his input into family life and clearly thinks he has made a big concession – but in actuality the changes made are small.
I have offered to go to couples counselling with him (I realise it isn’t generally recommended if there is EA behaviour but I am willing to at least try it), and have suggested that he arrange it. He has now announced that he refuses to arrange counselling and has decided that I have to do it, because he needs proof from me that I am committed to saving our marriage.
Now I am by no means perfect, but under the circumstances I don’t think it should be down to me to “prove” anything. He was the one obsessing about an OW for 2 years, disappearing in the middle of the night for hours to go on long walks or drives to “clear his head”, writing poetry about her for months after telling me “as part of the recovery process”. He should be doing the proving.
I should probably be the bigger person and just arrange it myself. But I don’t want to. I am sick of being the bigger person, the only functioning adult in this relationship. Plus I suspect this is another way of shifting blame and responsibility onto me.
AIBU?