Do you ever think maybe you're not cut out to be in a relationship?

[Whocares568975]

I'm thinking I should probably be on my own. For the rest of my life.

I can't trust my DH, with good reason. He has cheated and also lies regularly.

I feel I am not crazy, but it drives me crazy, you know?

I know there are some good men out there but there are also plenty who appear to be good and their reality only becomes apparent when you have already fallen for them - more hurt and let downs.

I think I am too idealistic. I want a pure, honest, loving relationship. I want a soul mate. I fear the pure love I crave is only in the films and books. I feel I am destined to live the remainder of my life alone because I don't think I will ever attain that.

Sorry for ranting. Needed to get that off my chest.

If you think you're destined for disappointment then that is surely what you will find.

If you get out of this unsatisfactory relationship you could find your world-view totally altered. Like some hope for the future which very possibly right now you do not have.

Your OP sounds quite black and white - which if you're in a bad marriage is understandable. But it's not really a choice between cheating, lying men and unreal fairytale princes. The ideal is ending up with someone who is good but human, screws up sometimes like everyone does but doesn't cross certain big lines (such as cheating and lying...), who treats you kindly and is easy to be kind to, who adds to your life without transforming it.

Lots of people find it, but you do always risk falling for a stealth twat. You can live a good life alone, too, actually. Either sounds better than being married to someone you can't trust.

If you're comparing all men to your OH then you will have a negative view of men.

Yes you do need to be on your own as being with him is definitely not a good example of a good man, far from it.

Look, if you don't trust him then bin him off, if you're going to accept shit treatment then you're gonna think all men are shit.

How do people break up with and move on from someone who you have been with your whole adult life, who you love so much, but who treats you badly and causes you pain?

It's like a tug of war but both sides are equal.

Because they love themselves more that the cheating lying scum bag they are with.

I read your thread header and thought 'yep'. I have said exactly that to myself many times. I don't think I am cut out for a relationship and that's the honest truth.

I've had plenty ... and none have worked out. Yes I've been with some right arseholes, but even the relationships with decent blokes haven't worked out either. There's always something missing, or they start to get on my nerves after a while, or the sex isn't right, or the sex is fantastic but something else isn't right, or something goes wrong and I lose interest, drive them away or whatever ... I dunno - but I have to be honest and say the one common denominator in all this is little old me!

I've been on my own for seven years now and I've resigned myself to the fact that I probably won't have another relationship and I don't do anything to pursue one. I simply could not be arsed with online dating, and the odds of me meeting someone in real life are nil to be honest. I don't have a social life, I work alone from home and don't go anywhere or do anything whereby I might meet someone.

I don't feel sad about it. I just accept that's how it is. Of course I would have loved to have had the 'soulmate' type relationship with someone who gets me, I get them, deep, loving, sexual ... and all the rest of it. I've thought I had it at times .. but it turned out to be an illusion in the end, and perhaps that's what it is - an illusion.

This has nothing to do with being frigid or scared or anything like that. I'm wary - yes, you read so much (just a scan of this forum illustrates how many arseholes there are out there) coupled with my own past experiences, but not scared.

If the right bloke came along then I'd be up for it, but he'd have to literally fall into my lap and that's never going to happen now is it? So I'd rather be on my own - alone, but not lonely, than seek a relationship just for the sake of having one IYSWIM.

OP, I think the first step is probably to lose your H. Living with a cheat and a liar is incredibly soul destroying. I've been there. Ultimately it turns even the longest of relationships sour (and I was with my exH for 30 years, married for 20).

Give yourself some time and then see how you feel. You don't have to decide now. FWIW 2+ years down the line, I'm still in favour of the no men route. I have a busy life and a decent social life (which I never had when I was married and which I do think is important to build up when you split).

I can't see myself compromising enough to hold another relationship together and frankly like you, I wouldn't want another relationship unless it were something really special and I doubt that is out there. I don't feel poorer for the lack of a relationship though. I do feel glad that I never have to put up with that level of betrayal ever again.

Yes, frequently. Relationships and I do not go together at all well.

Yup. I am relationship-free and very happy about it. I never much liked Being In A Relationship in my younger days. I like sex from time to time but have no interest in commitment.

On the whole, being single is the best way to be. It's a lot better than being in a shit relationship, anyway.

One marriage to a man who upped and left for someone else (and is still with her 20 years later) and 19 years alone except for one relationship with an emotionally unavailable man - yup, I'm in the 'not relationship material' camp!

I think you're not cut out to be in a relationship with a cheat and a liar. I don't think most people are, I'm certainly not. In your shoes he'd have been out at the first offence.

It's a bit of an odd dichotomy between arsehole and saint. You're not going to find Mr Darcy, but you could find a decent man who treats you well, and have a much nicer life than the one you're currently in.

Have you ever thought about the fact that you are thinking that way is indeed because of what your DH did ? e.g. lie and cheat? It is not unrealistic to want a man who wants you, and actually be with you. I think what most of us women do not do is to rebel WHEN the guys think that we are being unreasonable. i.e. if he works too much such that he gets grumpy with you. You are not unreasonable to tell him that this is happening. If he regrets that he has missed something from when he was younger, and did not know how to handle it. It is not unreasonable to recreate what is missing as a couple, than to let him go for younger women to "relive his missing life" because you think he no longer loves you. If you did not love you in the beginning, then he wouldn't have married you. Or rather, he shouldn't have.

Humans can indeed be flawed, but it does not mean that we do not have a brain to make the right decisions, or to turn things around. A lot of the things are just excuses sometimes. This is what I am beginning to realise.

I agree to be honest I have no time for liers and I count even the be there in 10 minutes and turning up later as a lie.

I am a black and white person you say it so you should do it.

This comes across badly to most people though but I cannot stand being let down it annoys me no end.

My perfect relationship would be black and white total transparency, no secrets at all (even presents/parties) ect

I hate surprises it always feels like people have been talking behind my back (hate any party though to be fair)