I'm so fed up of making everyone else happy

[EverythingsDozy]

I don't know if I want advice, I don't know what I want but I need to let this all out.

I am so fed up of bending over backwards to make everyone else happy and ignoring myself.
My husband left me on NYE because he fell in love with someone else but I only ever tried to make him happy and I don't understand what I did wrong.
I used to bend over backwards to help my sister out. She barely talks to me any more because I don't have a car any more and I live too far away to be useful to her.
I do loads for my mum, I make her dinner all the time because her husband works nights so I have her over so she isn't alone. I bought her tickets for the football twice. I'm constantly trying to help her out or spend time with her and now it's time for me to want to do something and she's having second thoughts about doing it. If she is with her husband (which she is today as she is off work) then I'm put to the back of the pile. Last night, her husband and I got into an argument about something stupid and I got really upset. She was quite unconcerned and thought that I was upset about the argument when it was much more about the way he talks to me and makes me feel unwelcome in my childhood home.

I'm so fed up of putting everyone else first and always being ignored - be it by them or by myself. I don't know what to do. I can't do what I want because I don't want to hurt anybody else. I'm so fed up with it all now.

I'm 24. I still feel young which is why I feel so, for want of a better word, reliant on my mum. I mean, I'm fine being alone. Being on my own has made me realise things about myself that I didn't know. How I really didn't need that idiot of a husband for one. Like I said, reliant isn't the right word, I don't need her to help me through the day, I don't need her financially or anything. But I still need her approval I suppose. I still want her to love me like she did before my dad died because it feels as though she didn't once she got a new boyfriend.
I wanted to go back to uni to do nursing, I applied through ucas late but I haven't heard anything back so I can't imagine I'm going to.

There must be a section on MN to advise you.

Not to pour cold water on your dream of nursing but I imagine it's is quite a challenge? The training, especially with regard to shift work must be tough with children. Lectures, placement times, commutes then on top of that study time, assignments, research..?

At 24 I think you have a lot of time to work out what you want and how to get it.

EverythingsDozy - one thing I think helped me stop being such a doormat in life was realising that actually it DIDN'T mean that I was helping others. I might have been doing chores for them, but I was doing them in a horrible spirit of anger and seething resentment, which isn't exactly altruistic is it? Being a martyr is no fun, but neither is being around a martyr.

The key thing is to start to carve out a space for yourself, and to be decisive about it (because people sometimes fear and resist change). OK, so you gave up your degree - maybe it's time to restart a new course with the OU? In your situation, you should get a lot of help with the fees - and no-one can accuse a student and a mum of being lazy! I think you will find that you're actually really bright, really capable, and that your time can be spent more valuably and enjoyably than with people who drag you down.

Oops, X-post! Nursing sounds like a great plan. Go for it, girl.

A single mum friend of mine does nursing, she said it's really rewarding. She gets help with her childcare so I'm hoping I should be able to do it. I have friends that would gladly help out. It's something I really want to do, I want to help people. Which I suppose is my problem isn't it!

I honestly don't understand the way I'm feeling. Why do I want to do nursing and help strangers when I get so fed up with helping the people I really care about?!

First thing I notice is that you feel down today and so everything looks bleak and the more you think about it, the worse you feel.

Secondly, it is wonderful that you are kind and generous and I hope you can maintain that quality, but really the healthiest way to be kind and generous is to do it knowing that you will get nothing in return from that particular person, but that what goes around comes around.

I feel I have been more the beneficiary of kindness, often from strangers, whom I haven't even had a chance to properly thank, let alone do a reciprocal favour. So when I do a kindness I try to think of it as being in payment for kindnesses I have received in the past that I could not repay, rather than an investment in what I will get from the person I am doing it for.

And lastly, I'm not trying to convert you, but when you believe in God, you know you are never alone

EverythingsDozy - you DO need to answer that question about 'why nursing?'. Maybe it's more of the same behaviour, and wouldn't make you happy. On the other hand, though, nursing is highly professional and could be a way for you to turn that need you have to care into something that you find more rewarding.

I think a lot of women get into nursing a bit later, and childcare can be shared/arranged - universities often have arrangements in place. I know someone who did it with two young kids, and while it was hard work, she loved the job and it enabled her to build a much better life for her whole family.

I want to do mental health nursing so I can help people that have been in similar situations to me. I had PND after the birth of both my children and I want to help people, I want to give back.

Funnily enough, not long after I posted that, I got an email from the university inviting me for interview I think it's just what I need, I hate being at home all the time, it's unbearable. The university I've applied for is literally five minutes down the road so commuting isn't a problem, I know that I can do assignments and things like that, they've never been a problem, especially now my children are older and can play by themselves for a while. I've been told I'll get help with childcare so I can do assignments when they're at nursery too. It's just the shift work I might find difficult but I'm quite determined, it's really something I want to do. Fingers crossed.

I've made up with my mum. I told her how I really felt, about how I'm made to feel stupid and alone. I don't think she's going to change, I've told her before that I feel like this and she invites me for dinner once and then thinks it's all going to be okay and it all goes back to normal. I'm sure it'll be okay for a little while anyway...

You've let them all useto to a certain extent. Time to exercise your right to be a selfish cow!!!!

Good luck at Uni - you now have a very good excuse for not bending over backwards all the time for your needy family - busy with assignments.
Don't give into their whinges. Although unis are very understandable about lateness, you would need to let them know before hand and anyway, don't let your family take the piss. This is YOUR time.

Good luck with the interview, hope it works out for you.

Well, it sounds like you found your gumption. Sometimes being with people who appreciates you is also important too. Just like I have been called a "doormat" before. That is supposedly from close friends. Sorry, but if I can listen to you complain about your life, then I too should also have the right to be heard too. We cannot always take things to being one sided, but it needs to be both ways ?

The thing with your ex and so forth, if you gave more than he appreciates, it meant that he took liberty and you shouldn't put him on a pedestal above yourself.

As you mentioned that you are only 24. I don't think I was that clear when I was 24 either. I hope you will stick with your nursing decisions, and slowly let things change for you. Which it normally always does as time goes by.

Do you realise what you wrote ? "I am fed up of making everyone else happy?" My response to you is. Then don't. Lol. Goodness. Make yourself happy. Do things you like.