My surrogate Mother is leaving

[LiveFastDieOld2]

My birth mother died when I was 4 and I hardly remember her. There are just a few almost random bits and bobs in my head like paddling in a stream with her and her washing my hair. Dad then had a housekeeper to help out and she has worked for him for nearly 20 years. She did lots for my sister and I, far more than she was ever paid for!

Now she is retiring and is moving away to live at the seaside and I am so sad. She was a close as I ever got to having a mother and now she is leaving me as well!

Realise you're sad but do keep things in perspective. She's not 'leaving you', she's retiring. I'm sure she'll want to keep in touch with your family and that she'd enjoy you paying her a few visits. How far away is the seaside? Is she on the phone? Do you have a car?

Darling, she isn't leaving you. She's just moving home. Does she know how much you care for her? If she does, she's not expecting you to never have any contact with her ever again. You'll just have a different home to visit her in.

I'm sure she would love to keep in contact, and would equally value your support at this upheaval. Why not ask if there's anything you can help her with whilst she's moving like you would a mother? If she's done more than she's been paid for I'm sure she cares for you too.

Oh I know that I'm over-reacting. I suppose it because it is the end of an era and her moving away brings it back to me that all I have of my real mother is just a few isolated memories in my head. We have made all the usual noises about keeping in touch - she will be about 90 minutes away - but it isn't like now when I would see her several times a week I'm also a bit apprehensive about how dad will cope until we can find a replacement. It isn't everybody who wants to be a housekeeper in a remote house.

Do you still live with your Dad?

Yes I do - we both work in the family business as equal partners with my younger sister.

It's just that most people mid-twenties (if I read it right) would be the ones moving out and leaving Mum and Dad behind. Going to university or starting families of their own etc. As for 'how Dad will cope'... assuming he's not all that elderly or infirm... there are three grown-ups living in the house now. Surely you can manage a bit of cleaning and cooking between you?

It is a bit more complicated than this because we all work, as in physically work, in the business (livestock and livery stables). We do need somebody to run the house and to help with the paper-based administration. I cannot see me moving out anytime soon even though I'm in my 20s.

So hire a cleaner and an administrator. Sounds like a big enough operation that it can afford a few staff. BTW... I know you probably didn't intend to sound snobbish but quite a lot of people 'physically work' full time and still manage to wash a few socks and throw a meal or two together. I'm sure your old housekeeper didn't do all the housework.... Perhaps this is an opportunity?

Don't "make all the usual noises about keeping in touch"! You need to tell her in words of one syllable how very fond you are of her and how much you value the care and devotion she has demonstrated above and beyond the call of duty, plus how terribly you are going to miss her daily presence. She probably knows all this but you need to say it.

Yes I should and I will - thank you for the proverbial kick up the bum!