My parents dragging me down

[TiffanyAtBreakfast]

So sorry in advance for the length of this post! My parents are literally pushing me to the end of my tether.

Background - I've been overweight for some time. At first I was just a few pounds too heavy, but now several stone (this is over the course of years from about aged 13 onwards). Understandably, my parents are worried; being overweight is very unhealthy and dangerous, but I am a married 26 year old adult and am in control of my own life. I'm proactively trying hard to lose weight and improve my fitness (I want to shift the weight before I start TTC so it is at the forefront of my mind).

For years and years, every single time I see my parents, my weight has been brought up in conversation and criticized.

Some examples:

• They will invite me to a meal for someone's birthday, wait for me to order and then ask loudly 'Should you be ordering that?' in front of the waiter and the whole group.

• My DF comments negatively on what I am eating for my lunch every single day. To the point where I have started eating in my car to avoid it.

• If I haven't seen her in a week or two, my DM will look me up and down and say 'Oh dear, how's the diet going?' with a strained look on her face.

• When shopping with DM, often if I point at a top I like, she will say 'That's nice, but it's really a slim-person style isn't it'. She will also always ask if I want to go into a designer shop which only stocks up to a size 16, and when I say not particularly, she will push me and push me for a reason why, until I admit that the clothes won't fit me in there. She already knows this. The day is then spoilt as I'm upset.

• They are pleased for me if I have a week of big weight loss i.e. 4-5lbs. If I lose any less than this, between 1 and 3lbs in a week they say 'oh...' and do a sympathetic face. When I say that I am still pleased, they say 'yes but last week you lost X amount, you must have eaten too much cake'

• I wanted to audition for the lead female part in a local musical and was told by DF 'I think it's a slim dancer type part. So don't get your hopes up'. When I got the part (partly to spite DF), rather than congratulate me, he said 'Oh, an incentive to lose the weight then'.

Friday was the last straw when I casually asked my DF's advice on what we could make for dessert for our dinner party over the weekend. He replied, "You don't need dessert. Neither of you do". (DH is not even overweight) I found myself in tears on the drive home, wishing I'd said something.

When they make these comments I try to tell them they hurt my feelings or sort of say "oh thanks a lot!" but they just say it was a joke. It is not a joke to me - It feels like prolonged bullying. At the moment I hate leaving the house and haven't seen my friends in months, feel anxious all the time in public and I've started to imagine that people are staring at me in the street all the time. It's also affecting my sex life with DH as my size is always on my mind and I feel huge and inadequate, despite the fact that I am losing weight.

Last year I sent my DM a long email (find it hard to say in person without becoming emotional) telling her how I felt, and she didn't even reply or talk to me about the email, just stopped the comments for about two months, then started up again.

To cut a (very!) long story short, here I am and I don't know how I have allowed this to become an everyday acceptable norm. My DH and friends that I confide in about it are shocked by the things I tell them and tell me I should put a stop to it - I just don't know how.

The irony is that the more they pick on me the more I feel like packing it all in and just wallowing with Ben & Jerry's

How do I get out of this vicious cycle, without having a full on family feud? I wish I could get some space for a few weeks, but I live around the corner from them and work with my DF every day in the family business any advice would be great as I'm so stuck.

Oh you poor thing.

The only thing I can think of that will help is to show them that you absolutely mean it.

Tell them that they are NOT to make any more comments about your weight/size, at all. Or you will leave.

And then do it.

If you are eating and they make the comment, stand up and walk out.

If you are shopping and they make a comment - walk away and leave the shops.

And you need to find a job away from your father, it is slowly destroying you.

I did it with my DM when she wouldn't stop about something. It shocked her to the core and she didn't bring up that particular topic again. I've threatened to do it about other things and she knows I'm serious and will follow through.

Have they been bullying you about this for the last 13 years? Tell them, if their cruel harassment of you over this hasn't worked for more than a decade what's the point in continuing with it?

You do feel like you're being bullied because you are infact being bullied.
I know you do not want this to become a family feud but your parents have also caused this by their actions.

I think you need to break completely away from your parents by a) moving house so that you put more distance between you and them and b) by getting alternative employment. You're far too much under their thumb and overall influence and you're still seeking their approval ; approval they will never readily give you even if you do become thinner (and that should be done only for your own self). Also they do not think you are at all capable of losing weight hence all their horrible comments.

You're already tried e-mailing your mother without luck (not surprisingly because she enjoys the power and control she has) so the only thing you can do is further distance yourself from them and their nastiness dressed up as concern.

BTW did your mother have eating issues herself when you were younger and kept going on about her own weight/figure/watching portion size all the time?. Did she herself watch her weight and step on the scales seemingly all the time?. If so, that is in itself very damaging and I note too this all started for you at around 13. She influenced you to your detriment. What is her own relationship with food like not just to say yours now?. She may well have tried to control you with food starting back then. You may well need to talk to someone now about your whole relationship with food and how this links to your mother. BACP are good and do not charge the earth.

I would also think that even if you were size 10 they would still find something to criticise you for and nit pick over.

Thanks so much for the replies. Glad to know I'm not overreacting.

I agree that I am too embroiled in their lives and vice versa. We're hoping to move house soon based on where DH's new job will be, which I hope will be some distance away. With regards to the job, it's tricky as I'm studying to do a finance exam which is funded by the company, but it's at the end of June, so I can look for something new after that. It will be awkward but I do think it would help in the long run.

AttilaTheMeerkat, DM did struggle with her weight, and in her defence I think she probably just doesn't want that for me, hence the nagging. She slimmed down after a health issue which gave her a kick up the bum, she is now about a size 12-14.

My Dad has no excuse though. He is overweight himself and I have found Mars bars stashed in the glove compartment in his car before! (Did I say anything to him about that? Of course not)

DIYtrainee you're right. Next time there is a comment, I need to react to it straight away. If they say they were joking, I could just say 'well it wasn't funny'.

I think they need to realise that I'm not their little girl anymore and I don't rely on their nagging to do constructive things with my life. I'm starting to actually dislike them

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted that's such a good point! I need to write that down somewhere.

I think you need to tell them straight that they MUST stop. My parents were the same from when I was under 10, constant comments about my weight. I decided finally to lose weight and went from a size 20 to a size 10 and the comments turned into "are you anorexic?"
So learn from my mistake of not being forceful enough! My parents are still the same - when my DS started school last September, I sent them some photos (we live far away) and my mum's only comment about pics of my gorgeous boy was"dad and I see you've gained some weight" FFS.

"DM did struggle with her weight, and in her defence I think she probably just doesn't want that for me, hence the nagging"

She really does not have any defence at all because the damage to you has already been done and is still being done. She influenced you unduly and passed on all her weight issues and relationship with food to you. She is certainly trying to control your weight now by further nagging you. Nagging of course does not work and she needs to completely back off now as does her willing enabler ie your Dad. They both have to be told quite forcefully that if they cannot behave they do not see you. I would also quit your job with your Dad asap too.

BTW what does your DH think of them?.

You are far too enmeshed in their lives and you need to become more independent of them asap. In your defence they have likely not made that at all easy for you to achieve. I am not surprised at all you dislike them, they are both actually very unlikeable and are controlling of you. They probably on some level still see you as a child and incapable of running your own life.

DIY"s advice is great.

This wont stop until you take action. Until you do something to show them that you won't take it any more.

if you wish you can endure til the end of June and the exams but after that, I'm afraid it's down to you to actually DO something. DIY's approach seems absolutely appropriate.

Find a way to disengage. My mum has been obsessed with weight and calories her whole life and talks about it all the time. I am one of those people who's weight has gone up and down, and when it's been down she's found some other detail to pick over - the shape of my nose or whatever. I think it is about her own insecurity, she's 75 and still sighing enviously at teenage girls' figures etc. I simply change the subject if she starts on. It's a shame though, I never invite her for lunch or dinner or eat out with her, so it is a problem that's backfired on her really. If I want to go out for a coffee and a nice slice of cake I go with a friend, not her! The only time I won't stand for her nonsense is if she starts on my kids about calories etc and then I tell her quite sharply that they don't need to be worrying about that at their age.

Your weight isn't the issue. Their prolonged bullying and unkindness is the issue. I think you would do well to spend a lot less time with them outside work.
Don't bother shopping with your DM-ask one of your friends. No need to update your parents on your life, like getting a role in a play. It's all used as an opportunity to get in a cruel comment.

I can see that the proximity makes it difficult, but the best thing is emotional detachment. Whatever it takes- a bingo card with your parents' usual put-downs in your bag to cross off each day, put a mantra on your phone to look at when it gets too much (like 'FUCK OFF DAD' or 'You Do Not Define Me' or 'I Can Lose The Weight. You'll Always Be An Arsehole'. Anything you like)

I wonder if you have done a lot of emotional eating over the years. If so, do you think it is very likely a response to their emotional abuse? They seem very keen to crush any hope, or self-worth or enjoyment you feel.

One other thing that might help is to be much more upfront and unapologetic about your size. If your mother nags about going to X shop, you can say straight out 'No, they don't do my size'. Own it, be matter-of-fact, take away her power to hurt you with it.

I sympathise. I had similar but on a much smaller scale. Was slim till my early 20s and then gained weight. Am now a size 20 and have been losing and gaining for years.

I lived overseas and when I would come back home and stay with my parents they would fill the fridge and cupboards with things they knew I liked. And then comment if I ate them! I ended up blowing my top with them one time - with my dad mainly - and told them that every time they made a negative comment it made me want to stuff my face to spite them. I also said I would stop coming home. To be fair it worked. They did stop.

So I agree you need to say something. And moving and/or changing jobs will def help.

Oh - and please point out to your mother at 1-2 lbs a week is the recommended loss. Anything more is not sustainable. Losing more is common in the first week or so of a diet but not after that.

And well done for your loss so far! It's bloody hard to keep at it. There are lots of very supportive threads on here for pretty much every type of weight loss. I can highly recommend the low carb bootcamp threads and the 5:2 threads. Lots of lovely support and encouragement and help.

My mum used to do this to me until finally one day I blew up at her and told her that the next comment she made to me about my weight would be the last thing she ever said to me because I would cut contact.

We have a much better relationship now. I am so pleased I addressed it because like you OP I was starting to resent and even actively dislike her.

Ironically I am now at my heaviest ever in my life and she has said nothing in about 6 years.

Tiffany - you may need to break away form your parents completely as I did very recently.

I moved away from them at first, when I was age 22. The nagging and bullying didn't stop. Then I noticed they were starting to do it to my early teenage DSs like they had done to me.

Interestingly one of the big flash points was I refused to become a part of my father's business many year sago and he never forgave me. Truth is he would have controlled my life if I had worked for him. I had to leave. Now I have cut them off completely. They are still trying to bully me via my sister.

I am now a man aged 50 and my parents still won't stop it.

I definitely tend to comfort eat as a response to their comments. Not proud of it, and get annoyed with myself for not having more restraint, but yes I do.

Yes, I need to deal with it head on. And I also need to stop including them/chatting to them about things like houses, clothes, cars - Big decisions. Because when I do there is always a problem and a negative reaction.

People think my Mum and I are really close and admire our relationship, but it's amazing the things people don't see/hear between us.

I had this from a family member. She wasn't doing exactly the same as your parents but for example if I was having a coffee she would say to the kids "Oh Mum won't have a biscuit, she is on a diet" or "I won't offer you any cake" etc. I tried to ignore her. I tried grinning and bearing it. She is overweight herself so I started giving it back to her. When she would make a comment I'd say "Oh I must give you some tips" or "Oh I won't sit there, both of us wouldn't fit on the couch {insert fake laugh}". Very passive agressive and childish, but it worked. She never says a word now. Would it be worth trying this with your parents, or would WW3 erupt?