Talk me into feeling kinder thoughts...

[MyFirstName]

DH is going through a rough time. Recently changed jobs - he is finding the new job a bit anxiety making as it is his first role with a new boss for about 13-4 years (boss always took DH with him if boss moved companies iyswim.) The woman who recruited him though also has worked directly with DH several times over the last 15-20 years. She really rates DH. Another of DH's peers - who DH admires above all - totally respects DH's work and would jump at getting DH to work with him. This is all a bit of background to indicate that the people DH respects the most in turn really respect him.

The trouble is DH has zero self confidence at the moment. Thinks he will fail. Thinks they will "find him out". We have discussed it, and I think he can just about rationally accept he is good at what he does. But that does not help how he feels emotionally at the moment - very scared, very anxious. He is having restless nights and feeling sick. I think if he had an choice he would jack everything in and hide in bed for 5 years.

Why am I here? Externally I am trying to be as supportive as possible - telling him he will be fine, reminding him his two most respected peers really admire him. Telling him it will all be OK. We have enough savings to bail us out for a few months if the worst happens.

Inside though, part of me just wants to tell him to "Man up" to get a grip and stop being such a wuss. Oh god isn't that awful? I am crap when he does man-flu like stuff... all the breathing and sighing shit. Arghhh.

I am feeling awful - he is generally pretty amazing at supporting me when I have had anxiety stuff going on. But here I am just finding it irritating. I am also finding it raising anxiety issues in me. In essence being a total bitch and turning all of the shit he is going through into a "what about me" self absorbed wail. To reiterate though - I have not said any of this to his face.

So I need to get a grip too, don't I? Tell me not to be such a self-absorbed cow. Maybe some good old MN tough love will shake me out of this. Poor DH. And any hints on how better to support him would be great.

Just do what I do. Say all the right stuff while thinking 'get a fucking grip'. He can't see inside your head. He deserves your support, so be supportive. You are free to think what you like internally.

I actually know quite a few people like this and one of them is the CFO of a big company who is very successful (on the surface!).

I personally would keep reassuring him when the subject arises but don't talk it to death. So... when the opportunity arises to change the subject, seize it!

He's been in a comfort zone for a long time so it's understandable that he's feeling nervous and a bit paranoid. Be kind and support him. There is nothing worse than having your nearest and dearest telling you to man up about something you are shitting a brick over. My Mum and Dad often did this to me and it didn't actually help me one jot.

I am saying the right stuff - and having suffered from anxiety myself I know how crippling it can be.

I am just feel awful about even thinking the "get a fucking grip".

"Kind and Supportive".

I am often a lot better at being practically supportive than being emotionally supportive (crap, emotionally stunted parents..whole different thread) so apart from making sure he has "stuff" he needs for work/healthy food etc there is nothing within my comfort zone. Cookies and milk are not going to cut it really.

Kind and supportive. Deep breath.

And don't get me wrong - I do feel for him. I hate seeing him like this for his sake and want it to go away. Am not totally heartless though I feel like it at times

Well, I'm not surprised you're feeling anxious. The thought that your partner might jack in their job and/or be very down about stuff is bound to raise some big insecurities in a person.

I think you need a bit of support, too. Who is holding your hand through this difficult time?

And here, have some

Personally I would try 'get a fucking grip'... Responding to his anxieties in the softly, softly, rational, ego-boosting manner is clearly not having any effect, is very wearing on you, and sometimes I think a little tough love is called for. It's like tending to someone with the flu. There's only so long you can keep running up and down with hot water bottles and cups of tea.... eventually everyone has to agree it's time to get out of bed and make the best of it.

I can identify with your husband, am in a similar position.
Beyond a certain point, wallowing in it just makes it worse. I have had to decide whether to draw a line and quit, or draw a line and stop caring about it all quite so much (and if I get fired then so be it). I've gone for the latter option.
I still have bad episodes of self doubt - it's like vertigo, is the best way to describe it, I look at what I'm doing and my body shouts AAAAAARGH - but I am getting better at shifting my mind out of that mode when it happens.
Can your DH try some meditation or mindfulness tequniques perhaps, which he can use whenever he feels himself disappearing into the black hole again?

"wallowing in it just makes it worse"

YY to this statement. Fine line between alleviating the anxiety and feeding it by letting the person keep airing all their irrational fears.

OK. Thank you people. This is helping. LineRunner I think my hand holding will be from here tbh. Recently been going through counselling myself for anxiety related stuff - and taken a very large step away from my mother (who I may have previously gone to for support at a time like this). My sister is in the midst of moving house. And though I love her she is rather crap at emotional support too (hey...we had the same parents...kind of make sense )

Also it would feel rather disloyal iyswim. DH and I are a team. And we work well as a team. Mostly. To start off-loading about how I am finding his weak-spot irritating to someone else (apart from anonymously here) would feel very wrong. So grinning and bearing it outwardly. Stiff upper lip and all that.

Cogito tempting . Am a bit aware though that I am thoroughly awful even at the beginnings of man-flu for DH. After 14 years together he knows if he is ill just to fuck off to bed and barely expect a cup of tea. I would not have made a valuable contribution to the medical profession. I may try a few "Get a grip, you know you can do this" and be a bit brisker. Not sure if "Get a fucking grip" (although I may be thinking it) would be wise at the moment.

Stands I like your analogy to vertigo...I think that helps me to understand - I think he is getting tooooo many Argggggghhhh moments. He is out of his comfort zone. I like the thought of giving it a set time and then we agree that is enough. I believe in him. I know he will do well. But he cannot go on indefinitely feeling like this. Maybe I should suggest he just lives and goes about work thinking that he may as well just get on with it - and if they do "find him out" so be it. He does care too much - he is so conscientious and moral - I think he actually does need to chill and let go of a bit of his integrity iyswim. He can do his best within the timeframe. Nothing more. Blah. Bloody hell. Anyhoo, I have sent him a link to some one-minute-mindfulness exercises. Maybe they will help?

Rightho. So I am going to stop "wallowing in it" too. I am not awful for thinking "get a fucking grip". That helps me feel better. If I do say it to him I will try to make sure it is at an appropriate time/manner and not from frustration though.

But I think this has helped me see I need to start encouraging him to move on emotionally. A sudden change of tack from me will not be helpful...but this has really helped me not feel anxious about being a total heartless bitch. So thank you. .

I may be back in a few days - but am hoping that my grip has been gripped and I am OK.

My very best friend, after my life had hit the proverbial skids for a while, spent quite some time mopping up my snot and tears and gently removing the corkscrew from my hands. She was terrific. But I remember the day when she pulled me up short, said something to the effect of 'that's enough moping now.... what are you going to do to turn this around?' Not quite 'get a fucking grip' but definitely drawing a line under a behaviour pattern that could have dragged on for months with an endless tea and sympathy approach.

He's good at what he does, other people say he's good at what he does, he's wobbling because he's in a new environment, and maybe 'what are you going to do?' - putting the ball firmly in his court and supporting action rather than inaction - would shift his thinking.

Cogito tbh when I have been in bad places it has I think always taken someone to say come on, you cannot pull yourself together thinking like this -DO* something. Make a decision. See someone. Move on. So you are totally right. I have just sent him a cheerful message recommending he listens to a podcast we both enjoy.

*happened a few times over the last 20 years...always ended up with ADs - which is why I am getting counselling this time to stop the repeating cycle of anxiety/hitting the bottom/ADs/OK for a bit/anxiety..and repeat.

Would he try mindfulness/mediation? Lots available on youtube. Also rescue remedy.

I think that you have to suggest to him that he needs to find a way of drawing a line mentally when he feels himself slipping into this train of thought. For me, it is:

Step 1:

• Do you want to quit the job or do you want to carry on?(Positive decision: carry on for now)

Step 2:

• so I need to get on with it and stop over thinking things. (Positive decision: force myself to think about something else. Usually knitting tbh [Blush] I find that having a pre-chosen subject to always turn to does help. Get him to pick something in advance. For me it is trying to understand a devilishly hard knitting pattern.)