Any advice please??

[Allgonenow]

Name changed for this

I have been dating someone I met online for 4 months. Everything's been good, can't say anything bad about him and we get on well. I felt he was falling for me and I could see he thought a lot of me then he told me he loved me. I believe him because he treats me really well. At first I really wasn't sure how I felt about him. I wasn't that attracted to him physically and he's not very good looking ( shallow I know) but because of the person he seemed to be I kept seeing him to see what happened

Well now I actually love him. I have really strong feelings and I'm very scared. Might sound childish but whilst he was the one at the start who obviously liked me more than I did him, I felt safe. Now I'm terrified and the more I grow to love him the more I keep looking for little signs that he's not as keen on me anymore. I feel as though I could stay with him forever and I want us to be together so I think I'm probably further on than he is now.

How do I just relax and enjoy the relationship. I don't want to become clingy and I don't want to be giving off vibes that ruin us but I just want to be with him all the time and I'm not sure he feels the same.

I keep thinking he's pulling back from me but I don't know if I'm imagining it or it's real. He still sees me as often but I guess he's more relaxed and now we both have said we love eachother I can feel there's not that wondering in him. I need to chill out but it's so hard

I have experienced just that type of man and the exact scenario that you described cog in the past. I wouldn't have put this man in that category, I think however that now I'm really falling for him I'm worried that history may repeat itself and he does indeed turn out to be like that. For example when I told him I loved him too,I worried myself sick that he would relax and pull back and play games with me like the last man did. He didn't and I relaxed for a while. Now I'm fearing he's getting to know the real me good and bad and have had my ex saying " nobody will put up with you" for so many years to me that I didn't realise the damage until now

I don't feel he's arrogant or running the show though, really I suppose he does say what are your shifts for next week then sees me on the evenings I'm free. When it comes to decisions on what we will do I have as much say if not more so

I think it's the fears inside me that if I put a foot wrong he'll go off me or demand I change making me feel this way, as opposed to there being something about him that making me put on an act around him.

Then we're back to the insecurity and it sounds like that phrase 'nobody will put up with you' is what's haunting you. Before you met this man was your life happy? fulfilling? busy? If the relationship ended tomorrow, would it really be the end of the world?

No it wouldn't be the end of the world but I like him and have really enjoyed his company, he's very easy to be with and treats me well
I think the whole issue is my insecurity and I tend to overthink everything. I'm not scared to be alone but having done that I know I prefer to be in a good relationship. I think/ thought this one had real potential and I'm annoyed at myself for feeling this way and am surprised to find myself posting on here about this relationship as I haven't felt the need to up to know with this one, whereas with the ex I was constantly seeking advice

Don't join a book club.

Don't bugger about pretending to be unavailable.

TALK TO HIM.

He knows bits and pieces about my previous relationship but I don't think he understands the full effect and it's impossible to explain them, I'm not fully sure myself

I don't know what I could say and I think whatever I said would make me feel more vulnerable and wide open to be taken advantage of. I'm scared he will know he has me where he wants me and start to abuse that. We are only 4 months in and we should be having fun I wouldn't blame him for not wanting to deal with a whole load of angst at this stage. The annoying thing is I was having fun and was relaxed and can't really identify what it is that's triggered all this now

If you're not having fun, end the relationship. Sometimes, you can't put your finger on why it's not fun any more but, that's the whole deal of early-days dating. You go with your gut feel. It could be that you're overthinking because of past experiences, it could be you're not really ready for a relationship or it could be some vibe you're getting off him that is making you feel unsure. If something's making you feel uncomfortable, anxious and starting to feel vulnerable, don't feel like you have to stick with it.

You can tell him you've got some personal problems to resolve and that you need to take a rain check. A decent person should be OK with that.

I don't want to end it, up until these last few days he's been really good for me. We have a holiday booked for a few weeks time, I need to just stop being so depressive and overanalysing everything to death

Just talk to him. Tell him you know you're over thinking it but you need a little reassurance.

If he loves you he will be more than happy to do so - and touched that you feel so strongly for him.

If he's ambivalent then it'll weird him out. But at least you'll know.

This happened to me - my DH was keener on me at first, and when I realised just how amazing he is I felt so vulnerable. I told him how I felt because I thought if he isn't able to respond well to me at this moment then something isn't working.

He completely reassured me and my paranoia/vulnerability vanished

atrocious that is interesting. I can identify with the op regarding feeling totally vulnerable and I know that my past has a big part to play in it.

in fact this weekend my xp got in touch and started spouting a load of shite. have the kids met new bf yet? well I bet he won't like them as much as I did etc etc etc
after that my emotions went completely haywire. .. xp reminded me of all my insecurities from our relationship and tried to project them onto new bf which is totally unfair. I was really upset and spoke to a male friend who got really cross with xp and said I should tell new bf that xp had upset me.
friend said he would want to know if we were in a relationship and I was upset.
so I am torn. part of me wants to come clean to bf and mention it. but part of me thinks this is all new and I don't want to start unpacking my baggage already and tbh part of me is ashamed that I got into that crappy relationship
next time I see bf I will mention it I think. and see what happens. like has already been said if he can't handle the real me including my bad days and fears then he isn't the one