He used to use me now he worships me, can I trust him?

[corsetqueen]

In my early 20's after graduating university I took a part time job in a factory, while i applied for "proper" jobs. I was, I at that time a bit proud of myself for having got a 1st and was a bit snobby thinking I was the bees knees. However I met a boy working there and it was like someone had hot wired my mind and body, I was completely, stupidly crazy for him I've never experianced anything like it before or after it was unreal. He was a few years older and initally it was him who chased me but he soon lost interest and he treated me badly, told the other men who worked there what a goer I was so that I had to leave due to being hounded by the other men who worked there who thought I was some kind of nympho. I wasn't I had just lost my mind over a man.

I carried a torch for him for many years even though he was a hash head, emotionally unavailable twat to me. A couple of times he called me up to see if I was still interested, wanted to meet up but he always let me down.

Fast forward 13 years and I have eventually moved on when I bump into him on a night out last october. This time I am more cautious but the feelings are still there. We talk all night and he tells me what an idiot he was back then, how he had been suffering from mental health issues and drug addiction at the time and was basically an emotional cripple. He says I terrified him because he actually cared for me (don't know how to take this because looking back he treated me like someone he had contempt for). He laid it all out and said that he had promised himself if he ever got another chance with me he wouldn't mess up and he asked if we could see each other again.

I agreed, but only as friends initally. Since then things have progressed and we are now dating. He no longers uses drugs and only drinks a couple beers on a saturday night. He owns his own flat and is now in charge of his department at the factory. He treats me like a queen and is very keen for thing to work out. In fact he seems convinced they will.

I do like him but so far I cannot relax and trust him just yet, he really hurt me badly all those years ago and I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop but perhaps this is unfair to him as he has done a lot of work on himself and seems serious about making a go of it with me.

Should I give him the benefit of the doubt and take the risk with him or should I keep my guard up just a bit longer?

When he treated you badly, were you the only one, or did he treat everyone like that?

Well he had never had a girlfriend, only hook ups. His back ground is quite rough and most of the girls he went with were much more street wise than me, he was good for a night but nobody got serious about him, only me.

He was emotionally unavailable to everyone I guess and selfish. From what he says he had major issues with me because of his "feelings" for me, also I made him feel bad about himself because I was smart and educated. However that could all be BS.

Don't know how to take this because looking back he treated me like someone he had contempt for

He treated me badly

I had to leave due to being hounded by the other men

You should dump him before he starts abusing you again. Abusive men are good at convincing someone they've changed so they can start the cycle again.

And sometimes people grow up...

I'm certainly not the person I was when I was in my early 20s. I didn't treat people as badly as he did you, but only because I had a child at 23 and had a LTR. But before that, I also had some MH issues and incredibly low self esteem and confidence and I know that I treated people (men) badly because I was scared when I felt something for somebody and it was a way of managing how I felt about it. And also because I didn't always realise that I could impact on someone else's feelings negatively.

I cringe when I think of some of the ways I treated men back then.

But now? Well now I'm the kindest most loyal and loving person I could ever wish to be. My MH issues are largely a thing of the past, and I'm emotionally mature enough now to be able to seperate some of the ways I feel about things from how I act.

I'm not saying he isn't an abusive arse, and I would certainly never have publically humiliated someone the way he did you, but 13 years is a long time and if every other aspect of his life looks very different too, then there may be something in what he says.

Not all men who make mistakes are abusers.

What's your gut feeling?

I never believe in going back in time in a relationship, trying to make things work, fixing stuff that wasnt right.

Move forward not backwards is my motto.

When you have to worry about keep up a guard, a front due to lack of trust in the person, that is something that is dangerous because it isn't easy to know when exactly to take your guard down. Only you know how you feel. Theoretically we can say give it another month, 2 months whatever, but we aren't living in the relationship, you are.

Ask yourself what is different this time round, what is it that gives you any doubts. Also in what way are you putting up your guard, and what do you need him to do to convince you.

As I say, when a relationship has that amount of history, it isnt like a clean slate, where you dont have all the old concerns bubbling away in the background. Is it worth it to you?

Time will tell, if he's still a horrible person you will soon find out.

Sounds like he's grown up.

I look back on my younger self and absolutely cringe. I was awful. Crass, self-centred, I also treated some people badly, drank way too much, partied too much, smoked like a chimney and not just tobacco ... was unreliable and wasn't always 'faithful' in relationships either.

Now I'm a completely different person, don't smoke, don't drink and would never dream of cheating on anyone, much kinder, more thoughtful, quite staid in my habits etc. I look back on myself in amazement at some of the things I said and did back then. It is honestly like looking at someone else, and I can't identify with that person at all.

Sounds to me like the bloke has got his act together and deserves a chance.

I don't know. I get that when people are young, they sometimes treat others badly, and are egotistical etc. I think I did it. I certainly was on the receiving end of it. it hurt at the time, but was all part of the experience.

I never ever bad mouthed anyone, or broadcasted anyone's sexual prowess or lack thereof. I don't know if I could forgive anyone who made it his business to share my bedroom practices to the point where I was harassed at work and had to leave.

Take care and be very, very cautious.

"He treats me like a queen and is very keen for thing to work out. In fact he seems convinced they will."

That would bother me just as much as the fact that he used to be a complete arsehole.

It sounds like he has gone the complete opposite direction, rather than behaving like a normal kind of person. Honestly, if you met him for the first time now, would you have been interested?

In general, I think the feelings we have for 'what might have been' aren't a good indicator of what is good for us now, they are too tied up in regrets for the person you used to be, the choices you could have made, the things that could have happened but didn't. He was lit up in your memory as 'the one that got away' and that adds a big thick layer of sentiment on top of whatever ability you have now learned to recognise the men you can build a good relationship with.

Be cautious. Nit just because of him, but because your feelings are very coloured by your regrets.

Men who "worship" you and "treat you like a queen" often have weird ideas about women.

I would be inclined to think he hasn't changed.

I agree with the posters who urge caution. This relationship doesn't sound healthy. I appears to be driven by a kind of mutual obsession. He may love you but I doubt you will be good for each other.