I want a small private wedding but it's causing issues

[invisiblewoman7]

I have been with my partner for 18 years and for sometime he has wanted to get married. Its very difficult because I am very shy and introverted and hate being the centre of attention. I dislike weddings and any big social event and it was certainly nothing I ever dreamed of doing like so many girls growing up. That isn't to say I wouldn't be happy to marry my partner, I would be thrilled to do that but the thought of standing up in front of people, the first dance, the speeches, the toasts makes me cringe.

I believe my partner understands how I feel and that it isn't a reflection my feelings for him, although he was a bit hurt when I said I did not want an engagement ring, I will wear a plain wedding ring when we marry but I just don't want everyone there. He is shy too and for me the wedding is a very private, personal thing and I don't want everyone there looking!

It causes conflict because other family members on both sides want us to have a big wedding, his mother puts a lot of pressure on him especially. Its been put off for years now due to the conflict it causes. I am tempted to just go off and do it and tell others later but he says his mother would be crushed. I am made to feel a freak by some because I don't want to be a princess for the day.

I can't be alone in feeling this way surely, how can we get round it? I have agreed to a very small wedding with immediate family only but even that causes issues!

I felt the same and also had pressure from DH's mother.

We kept our's to 30 people including us, paid for everything ourselves so as to have control and when DH asked me wearily how few we could get away with inviting because MIL wouldn't let up on the guest list she wanted I told him - you, me, a registrar and two witnesses.

So, could you do something like that? Invite both your parents and have a civil wedding followed by lunch in a local restaurant?

For exactly the same reasons, we booked a registry office and then visited both sets of parents the evening before the wedding and invited them! Parents only. Mums were witnesses.

It was FAB, by the way!

We eloped :)

Your wedding, your way - end of :)

Yep, I had family only, that is parent's and siblings only. 9 on my side, 10 on his side, that was plenty enough!

We didn't do speeches, we didn't have a photographer.

We got married late in the day at a hotel, had a private dining room meal and all retired to bed at a reasonable time, apart from the groom and his brothers.

Was a great day.

Very similar here, OP. We got married in a registry office, only with immediate family and one or two close friends.

• I didn't 'walk down the aisle' (WTF is that in a registry office anyway) - DH and I were already in the room before the guests came in.
• no dress, I wore a nice pair of cream trousers and a special top
• no photographer, got someone in the park to take one or two shots of the whole wedding party, that was that
• no speeches, we just had a drinks reception in the nearby hotel and then round the corner to a local restaurant for a meal (which I pretended was an office Christmas party to avoid the dreaded 'wedding' tag hiking up the price)
• no first dance. This bit I would hate probably more than anything. As it happened my DH was in a wheelchair when we married, and is in one permanently now, but I certainly wouldn't have done this anyway.

Stick to your guns, and of course you must pay for all of it in order to retain control. You know your own mind. When you get the 'don't you want to be a princess?' comments the answer is simply 'no I don't'. If your DP doesn't want to elope for fear of upsetting his mother, presumably he's also willing to tell her to wind her neck in so that you can enjoy your wedding. Otherwise what's the point?

We had 8 guests at ours. It was great. Screw everyone else and have exactly the day you want.

You should have the wedding day that you want.

Go abroad and get married; that is what I did.

Ignore the ongoing emotional blackmail from family members who want a party. However, is this man really willing to continue to put his own mother's feelings above your marriage plans?. Does he still defer to her even now in other areas?. Your marriage have already been put off for years; enough is enough surely.

I'm like you and hated the though of being the centre of attention. I had a registry office which I booked for late afternoon, and then a meal.
No photographer as I hate getting my photo taken, but we do have a few 'snaps' taken by guests.

It was very relaxed and I had a lovely day.

Getting married in 2 weeks. Like the OP I wanted us and 2 witnesses but DF wanted his mum and sister and family there. I was happy to compromise so we will have both our immediate families plus 3 friends and their partners etc. No photographer. Hotel ceremony, nice meal, private room for evening. Really try to do things in way that you are happy with. I am still kind of dreading it but deep down I suspect I will have a very nice time. Hope so! Good luck.

I sympathize. Is there anyway you can tell them something along the lines of "pressure from family of a big wedding is the main reason we are not married yet. I am perfectly happy to stay unwed, if you family dont give us space to have the small intimate wedding we want"

Or you could just pop down to the registry office and tell them later.

I know someone who got married last week. The couple had planned a small private wedding, just the tow of them and two witnesses. Planning to tell everyone after.

Then the week before the wedding they were persuaded that it would be better to let close family know beforehand - the result was that family insisted on joining them, and told other family members. There was lots of family fallout. There were 17 guests at the wedding, several of whom were clearly pissed off about the arrangements. The bride really regretted telling them beforehand.

Can you not persuade your partner to elope with you? He needs to get the right balance between pleasing his Mum and doing what is right for the two of you.

Like others, we took control, booked the register office, booked a table for lunch and invited five guests (and paid the bill ). No flowers, posh clothes, photographers or presents. If 'people' are offended that you don't want to dress up in a ridiculous frock and be a 'princess' for the day that is their problem.

You have been together for 18 years so I am assuming you are in your late 30s - you must be confident and assertive in your actions. .

But I tend to agree with Attila - I wouldn't want to marry a man who bowed to emotional pressure from his mum .

We had a secret registry office ceremony, as we had originally planned something bigger but I admitted I didn't want that at all and it was a mutual agreement. Four guests, I wore a black dress and my DH a suit, went for a nice meal after and told everyone else the next day (including our parents!). A wedding is what you want it to be, and it should be about the ceremony itself as opposed to a big party. Please yourselves, not others.

Warn the families that if they interfere in the wedding yo want then you'll elope without telling them.
Always have the type of wedding you want I didn't and still can't look at he photos nearly 4 years on.

I think you should have your dream wedding, not anyone else's dream wedding and stick to your guns about having a small intimate one attended by both sets of parents. You don't say whether you have children but I am presuming you have.
However as a MIL and DIL if my children had chosen to marry without myself and my DH being there I would have accepted it, but secretly I would have been utterly heartbroken. I am my children's biggest fan. I gave birth to them, helped them to adulthood and whatever happens I will always be their Mother, and will always be there for them. Unless your MIL has been really wicked and toxic can you really deny her seeing her beloved son being married? She loves him like you love your children and your own Mother, and may even love him more than you do. You are part of a family. Not apart from a family.
Or do as you like and marry in secret etc , as suggested by some of the posts and then in the future when you possibly need help from your parents and PiL's , would you mind if they did exactly as they like and excluded you from their significant celebrations and said 'sod off to you' and your feelings?

She had her wedding already - she doesn't get to have yours, too. You may need to explain this to her very slowly: this is my wedding, not your wedding, and I will arrange it as I please.

Have a nice small registry ceremony (or whatever you'd like) and then a 'party' - no speeches, no dances, no DJ, no toasts. Have cake if you like cake. The restaurant/pub/cheap café you choose will be happy to do all the slicing and serving without you even leaving your seat. Ban photography if it bothers you. If all the arrangement make you anxious, then lots of venues have someone who will be happy to sort the details for you. You can have a nice little party with very little fuss.

Do it your way!

This is one of the reasons DP and I haven't actually gotten around to getting married, despite being engaged.

You see a lot of threads on here about bridezillas / unreasonable expectations of wedding guests and I'm sure that happens (in fact I've seen it). I think there are also a lot of families with unreasonable expectations of the bride and groom!

I have no problem being the centre of attention, but equally I don't want to use money that could be better spent feeding arseholes and randoms. Your position sounds rather more nuanced and by this stage your family should have gotten the hint.

Even mine have some round a bit (11 years here). After 18 years (or indeed 11) you're hardly a blushing newlywed leaving your father's home for the first time ffs , so you should get to formalise your already long term relationship the way you want to. Doubly so if, as I assume, you are paying for it and the naysayers are not.