Libido problems - in reverse

[Newatthis]

After scanning the threads, all topics about this seem to be that us women are having problems wanting sex after our babies but my DS is now 51/2 mths old and I am gagging for somebut I have a reluctant partner. He wouldn't have sex whilst I was pregnant which I understand, then it was the breastfeeding (which is just stopping). Feeling pretty unattractive now and like a Nun as it has been well over a year. Am I alone or is there anyone else with strange partners out there?

My dh won't have sex with me at the moment because I'm pregnant (he's afraid of hurting the baby, bless). And he did find it difficult whilst I was bf (especially as I used to shoot jets of milk whenever I got excited) I think lots of men do have an issue with the sudden transformation of their partners into a mother figure rather than the sex goddess they first met, but they do get over it eventually. Have you talked to him about it or is even that difficult? Do you manage to get any time together without ds where you can just go back to being a couple?

My dh was the same and in the end I had to force him!!!!!!!
He wouldnt have sex with me during PG as, in his words, 'he didnt want to meet the baby before it was born!' I gently told him that his tackle was NOT a hosepipe!! I was gagging for it after ds was born and grabbed him after my 6 week check.

On a serious note, I do think that some men do freak out a little and maybe see their partner as a mum rather than a lover and it can be difficult to change their minds. Be romantic, make a nice meal, have some wine and GRAB him!! HTH

I have talked to him about it but not really getting any direct conversation back. Keen not to make him feel presurised either as that never helps. No win, no win. Last breastfeed tonight, so maybe I'll get him drunk. He is the sceamish type, but it's no good for one's ego when most women get hasstled!

Newatthis, the other issue is that after a year of childbearing, it's quite nice to feel that you have your body back again, and a bit of attention from your DP helps to boost your self-esteem no end. Would it help to take a pro-active step and remind him that you are his partner as well as the mother of your child? Change your hair, buy a new outfit or accessory (depending on budget!), put on full make-up or whatever you do for 'best', and at the very least it will help change your OWN image of yourself.

Maybe he's worried about interuptions. Could you get a babysitter? And then do the romantic routine thing.

Not sure what he is worrying about and he is not the most open type. When I said would stopping feeding help, he laughed and said it wasn't the sexiest! A frank discussion full stop would be nice but a leopard doesn't change his spots. I agree with Blu, I have enough paranoia about how the childbearing process has changed me physically without it being reinforced by DS. I do need to feel like a woman rather than a Mum. Most men think about sex a lot, so I worry what goes on in his head when a year without and he is not seeming bothered!

My dh is like this too, and always has been (apart from the first year together). He has even told me I am sex mad, because I wanted it twice in one week-end... You're not alone. He didn't fancy me over-weight, and now I have lost 2 stone, sex has gone back to once a month, usually instigated by me!

I have to say that i am in the opposite boat and my dh sustained his libido (which imo is abnormally high!!!) throughout pregnancy etc and i do remember leaking breasts flying here there and everywhere which was not very sexy atall. Anyway, this only happened once because i started wearing sexy bras and basques etc to cover them up - breast pads strategically placed and he was so overwhelmed by the stockings, suspender straps etc he was still turned on without feeling deprived of my boobs. Could you try putting some sexy bits on underneath an outfit so that he could perhaps feel or simply just know what you've got on so that by the time it gets to night time and the kids are in bed he's ready to pounce. If all else fails maybe you need to be as blatant as lie on the bed in a manner that shows you mean action and won't take no for an answer - once he's reminded himself of what he's missing it might boost his lagging libido

Would anyone really WANT to make love to a man who tells you that breastfeeding is a turn off!

I've always had a higher sex drive than DP, and like you Chinchilla, he calls me his nymph cause I want it a couple of times a week It does upset me especially if I instigate it only to be brushed off. I have however found the Ann Summers shop in town most excellent in getting myself some "toys"

Motherearth, I think if men found breastfeeding a baby a turn on then they would be labelled as a potential peadophile, as it's not a sexual thing!

Getting brushed off frequently is a bit of a turn off. I wonder how huffy a man would get if it were the other way round. Reassured to hear I am not the only one out there though. Maybe Ann Summers is a good idea, I hear one is opening here and have heard good things about the 'rapid rabbit'! Shame though as I'm sure no matter how good, it won't be a patch on the real thing. I love the tactile side of things. Oh well, I knew what I was getting when I got married. Never like it is in the first years is it....

Try Ann Summers on line! It's easier and get's delivered to your door!

Can I ask a personal question?? Do you get the same sensations when breastfeeding as you do when making out with your partner? I've always wanted to know this!

Definately different for me, nothing sexual about it at all. Feels exactly like someonje eating if you know what I mean. Also funny sensation with the let down reflex, can almost be painful for a few seconds.
Thanks for the online tip!

Having been like many on the other end of this conundrum (which is worse?), it seems to me that maybe playing hard to get would be the answer. If you are the xehausted unlibidinous person, the biggest turn off is sense of other person's desperation. But maybe the bloke side of the equation is different. Just a athought...

TBH, I can understand men finding it a little bit of an issue, engaging sexually with breasts they have come to see as primarily for feeding a baby. It's an issue for many of us switching between the nurturing/childbearing and sexual aspects of our bodies. Although they can feel very lovingly overwhelmed about bf, it's hard for them to feel that it's 'quite proper' to then get turned on about those very same breasts - translated as 'not the sexiest'. And although I felt vulnerable about my sexuality, body etc, and would have liked my dp to give me confidence by going 'whoarrrr missus', I found that I had to almost give him permission to do so by taking the initiative and demostrating that I was ready to be treated as a sexual being as well as a long-distance b/feeder. And he isn't even a man who was particularly daunted by the whole leaky breasts, saggy tum thing, he took rather a pervy interest, IMO. But there you are - they can't win, can they? If they hassle us to be sexual after birth, they risk being found insensitive and pressurising, if they don't they risk undermining us by not fancying us.

Just been reading this with interest 'cos i've been trying to talk dh round to sex 2nite but as usual 'not in the mood' (more interested in what's on tv!) I'm so mad right now. I even suggested 'changing into stockings/suspenders but that didn't work. 1 thing he said was 'we're married with kids now'! Oh, pardon me, does that mean we can't have sex at night anymore then? I have to say he's sometimes up for it 1st thing in the morning (about once a month) but we usually have to stop promptly 'cos ds1 is on his way into our room! I told dh tonight that his preference of a quickie that time of day, in that situation isn't enough for me. Can't understand why he can't see that it's better at night when kids are fast asleep - so what if we're a bit tired. I stopped b/feeding when ds2 was 3 mths & I've since been on diet & lost 2 stone. Ok, I've still got loadsa stretchmarks & flab but he knows I'm working hard to get rid of it - 20 sit-ups morning & night. I'm wondering if our age gap has anything to do with our problem - he's 10 yrs older than me, although he's only 38?

Sorry to moan on & yes I am sort of new - joined mn ages ago but only post/read occasionally (whenever I've got the time/energy) so I don't think I'll ever be a 'regular'. Got two ds, ages 2.5 & 8 mths.