Argument with Father

[heather1]

I'm not sure if this is the right board but I think I need to just write this all down. Relationship with my Dad has always been tricky. He has never been the kind of Dad who made me feel safe or emotionally cared for. Last year I had some councelling it a lot of emotional things came out. I'm undecided, he's either on the aspergers spectrum or he doesn't care about me. But he says he does. He can be really selfish (if he wants to do something he does it regardless of what every one else wants) and has obsessions that he involves my Ds in even if they are not really interested.

So my parents are here for a week (as Dh is away for 2 weeks). Dad has a tendency to make little 'digs'. He has hearing loss but will not answer questions and the when I ask him if he heard me will say yes and be fully aware what the question was, he won't answer the phone even if it's right next to him, won't shut the front door when he comes in the house. All because he doesn't want to do it.

So today I think I just had enough. Ds just been diagnosed with an invisible but totally all aspects of life disability. I brought my dad a croissant. Asked him if he wanted one, he didn't respond. My mum asked him he said yet I heard of course I want one. Didn't say thanks or anything. My children have better manners.
Later I was making lunch. I asked what filing he wanted in his sandwich, from a choice of 3. He said nothing. So I asked again, he said isn't it obvious? I said no it isn't. So then he said well maybe that's because I'm mentally unwell, or I'm just odd(last year I extremely broached the possibility of Aspergers and he hasn't let me forget it) . And I just lost it and said I wasn't interested in playing his games anymore.
Anyway this is long and I need to go to bed but now he hasnt talked to me for the rest of the day. And I've had enough of being manipulated. The constant digs, acting all 'helpful' when in actual fact its just to prove how 'nice' he is. When actually it's just a front. It's all in his terms. Because he doesn't think it's important or upsetting then it isn't. And my mum just says oh I'm used to it.
And he is here until Wednesday aarg. I can't send him away early cause I live abroad.

As you're stuck with him for a few more days, try to step back mentally and observe his behaviour, rather than engaging with it.

Aspies aren't supposed to run in families but... me, my dad, my brother, probably my late mum, my daughter, her husband, his father and we've got our eye on the toddler... not one diagnosis but people did want to study us because we had three generations and must have coping strategies. Yes, we keep out of everyone's way.

If your dad is Aspie, some of his habits might be things he can't help. I have a big problem with doors, for example. Not one door in my house is closed right now, and the back door is open. The door to my bedroom is off its hinges and placed in the hall where I can see it from the bed.

I'm not trying to minimize the effects of parental nastiness - I know them only too well. But if they're leaving on Wednesday, its only a few more days.

Good luck.

People can only annoy you if you allow them to. Your Dad sounds like my Dad. Very difficult, manipulative etc. if I was in his company for long I needed beta blockers. When I got older and more confident about his destructive behaviour, I lost my rag with him spectacularly. It was a total waste of time and just meant that I sobbed and felt miserable for days. He remained fine and utterly mystified by my outbursts. I wish I had ignored everything he said and chilled for my own well being. I could have done it. He is dead now and I have never shed a tear.