Think new guy is lying....

[heyho1919]

I've had 3 dates with a guy i met through online dating. We were in touch a few months ago and he suggested meeting, but then contact stopped until a couple of weeks ago. He said that he'd had problems accessing the site. I'd assumed he must have met someone else and it hadn;t worked which was why he was back in touch. However he insisted that his contact stoped due to the site issue. However based on some things he's said and a couple of things I've found out, i seems he was seeing someone else. He mentioned he'd seen one other person from the site, said he'd only met her an "handful" of times, then he dropped into a conversation that some of his friends weren't keen on her so guess they must have seen eachother for a while. I've also seen a pic of her on his facebook with her daughter. Sounds like he was seeing her for a while. If he's been honest I wouldn't have been in the slightest bit bothered, it's the lie that's bothering me. Such a shame s he seemed really nice other than that. Any thoughts?

He's just texted asking how I am, and a bit of general chat about things. Oh hell, why does dating have to be so difficult!!

I get that you have concerns about the lying and that's a reasonable thing to have as a deal breaker.

But getting agitated over someone who did a disappearing act after a few online chats and no dates, then popped up some months later is overthinking things IMO. If you liked him enough to go on the dates, you were prepared to accept he was a disappearer previously. To me it would have seemed clear that he'd met someone else online (probably chatting to several potential dates at once, isn't that what most online daters do?) and it hadn't worked out so he thought he'd try starting things up again with you.

I imagine he felt a bit backed into a corner by you questioning him.

Thanks Hello. To be honest I wasn't bothered about the disappearing and had assumed he had met someone else - i know how things work and I've done the same! I've seen a few others since he was in touch initially. it's the lying that gets to me - I'd even said to him I assumed he'd just been seeing someone else and it didnt work out, but he was adamnt that his contact stopped because of issues with the site not working!
He said he joined the site in Feb, he messaged me initially very early Feb and suggested meeting about 10 days later. Contact then stopped until about 3 weeks ago. So he must have een seeing this other while during the time the "site issue " was going on. The picture on his facebook of her and her daugher was added towards the end of March. It's all so silly as he even talked to me about facebook, etc and was showing me some of his stuff.

I don't think he's necessarily an out and out liar, I'd have been a bit annoyed at someone I'd only had 3 weeks of contact with questioning me on what I did before I had met them. How did you come across this picture on FB, did you go searching for it? I think he felt backed into a corner and maybe a bit at your questioning.

I also wouldn't let someone have personal info about you after only 3 weeks and 3 dates.

I know - I'm so regretting telling him so much and him coming back to mine, etc.
I guess my need for someone not to lie is very important as that's one of the main reasons i left my xh.
I only looked on facebook as he'd shown me his new profile pic and i just wanted to have another look! He was quite open about showing me - thats when i saw the pic of the woman. He did say he'd seen someone else but made out it was before he disappeared from the site. If he'd been honest it wouldn't have been an issue at all

well i would be wary of the lying thing, and given you have had experience of a liar you are obviously protecting yourself.

If it were me, i would say one more time, look I don't care and it's not my business if you were seeing someone, but hey the lying about it just seems unnecessary.

He could just be being a plonk about it, and not sinister.??

I don't think there's anything wrong that he met someone else, and I don't think he was obliged to tell you either, you weren't dating. You hadn't even met!

The thing I would be concerned about is that he obviously wasn't interested in you enough to meet you over this other girl (unless he met her in RL). Then when things went wrong he came running back to you. Rebound? Did he even have feelings for this other girl? I would be tempted to back away but ... what do I know

Personally I'd rather a guy dropped contact while seeing someone else for a bit than carry on and see you both, which happens a lot. My DP admired my principles when ODing as I said I wouldn't arrange to meet up with him as I had a date planned for the weekend and didn't want to arrange anything else until I'd seen what he was like (DP said he hope that this guy turned out to be a weirdo in that case! As it happened the date was called off and the rest is history!)

Give him the benefit of the doubt for trying not to hurt your feelings at such an early stage. I agree it would have been better to tell the truth but he doesn't know you yet and probably assumed that the other woman was more likely to turn you off than a lie. The fact that he is otherwise open and honest about stuff is a good sign.

Have you seen the dating thread on here heyho?

It's full of seasoned daters and seems a good place to get some support and advice from people who've seen it all on online dating.

Whatever happens with this bloke now, you've had some useful learning points - you know you don't feel comfortable revealing so much information at an early stage of dating and you know that getting physically close quickly might not be good for you at the moment.

There are plenty of men out there, you don't need to keep this one if you have doubts about him.

Thanks for your repsonses, yes, i'll have alook at that thread!

Another thing is he hasn't been on the site since meeting me - which is nice, but also indcates that he probably did that with the other woman. If i dont see him again, no dount he'll tell the next one that his access to the site had stopped...

heyho I suppose you've got two options; you either find the lying a deal-breaker and just end it (you could tell him why if things had been going well otherwise), or you say to him "it doesn't bother me in the slightest that you were dating someone else inbetween our initial contact and dating me. But what does bother me immensely is being lied to. What were your reasons for lying about it?". This will give him the chance to come clean and also to explain to you why he behaved the way he did. Maybe he only lied because he's had a bad experience with someone who he was honest with on this matter. Who knows. Or he may be a pathological liar who you will never be able to trust. Entirely up to you whether you give him a chance to explain or not.

Thanks Livid, you're right. I might go with the second option, at least that gives him a chance to explain. If i'm not happy with the explanation or if he reacts badly, that's my decision made.