How to sort this row?

[littlegreengloworm]

I know am in the wrong in that I just as dh walked in last night that I was having today to myself. I explained why and kept quiet (I was petty - silent treatment)

Story is I am two months pg, baby of seven months, back to work full time (draining work to be fair but good hours 8 to 4 short commute)

I do all housework, ironing, cleaning, cooking, sort baby meals for cm etc etc. DH does the last feed and middle of the night feed. But walks in from work to a dinner laid out on the table, shirts in wardrobe ironed, baby fed etc. ( I also have some paperwork I do after dinner)

On Saturdays he spends a lot of the day at his parents and frequently announces he is going xyz ( hobbies ) on Sunday and arrives home at 2 pm for dinner

I went off for the afternoon by myself. Leaving him to cook dinner and do dishes (he didn't think to put on a wash so I'm doing it now). He is hardly speaking to me, I know why - I was petty but I was so angry with him.

He went off to get potatoes there and before I left I said to him I am sick of this life and him bring in a mood because he couldn't live the single life today. I started crying and he said I need to tell him stuff before I get into a mood. I get this but because I just do everything all the time I've spoilt him. It was different before as was on ML - also baby is chilled out so I was lucky and had time. Now I am running about and crazy busy. Also I pay most of mortgage etc

How do we get over this :(

You need to talk! Now you are working, you can't be expected to do everything. He needs to take some responsibility and appreciate that you are not superwoman. He's a grown man. He is fully capable of cooking his own meal. It sounds very one sided at the moment. Maybe discuss what jobs he can do - some of the cleaning jobs, cook alternate days, give you more support at the weekends etc. When do you get a break?

How about he starts pulling his weight and grows up?

At the moment I don't get a break. On Saturdays I do housework and then go to my mother for an hour or two but she is unwell so it's not like I sit back and chill either.

He has come back now whistling and trying to make out none of this happened. He was brought up in a house where mummy did everything and still does!! Also his brother is married and his wife makes him do his fair share and he's on the phone to mother telling all. It is really annoying.

Yes, you need to talk as Rivercam says. Wait until you are less upset, explain how tired you feel and how stretched, and that you both need time to yourself and that now you are off ML and pg you need more support from him.

Also point out you aren't 'in a mood' you are bloody exhausted doing everything and he needs to step up instead of picking a fight about your attitude every time he has to do his fair share.

He does now the lawn and take the bins out

So he gets all day Saturday to himself every week? What does going to his parents entail, is he looking after two old people or basically freeloading? Very different ends of the spectrum there.

And then he can also decide to take most of Sunday for himself. So you did the same, although I notice you didn't take the morning and expect lunch made when you got back, so hardly a fair swap.

You haven't 'spoilt' him by picking up more of the slack whilst on mat leave - he isn't a child irreparably damaged by bad behaviour at an impressionable age. He's an adult. He may have got used to having a house elf do his bidding but he can get unused just as quickly.

It sounds like you're also contributing more to the household finances, on top of a full time job. So why are you running around keeping the house together as well?

His parents are elderly but he helps out his brother and does a few little hobbies ( he likes carpentry )

I don't think you were petty: you're exhausted and run down with the sheer bloody drudging responsibility of it all. AND you pay most of the mortgage.

He needs to step up to the plate or else.

Any spare funds to pay for a cleaner once or twice a week? Which he can pay for as it would be part-covering his fair share

He wouldn't want a cleaner as we're able bodied. It the old fashioned mindset, his mother often comments how good dh is around the house. But he helps a lot at their house.

I think his father doesn't even know what a kettle is. Not joking either!! The thing is dh is good in ways and I do get the last feed off so technically after 8 I'm free.

Deep breath, chin up - you haven't done anything wrong.

The way to sort the row is to do exactly what you say: tell him stuff before you get 'in a mood'. Deal with it all rationally and not passive aggressively.

Sit down and have a serious, practical calm but assertive discussion.

It may help to do a timetable of your day and a list of household and domestic responsibilities that you both currently take.

have an objective - tell him that in a household where you both who you would like to be able to ensure that you both have equal amounts of relaxation / hobby and /or 'me' time. Show the discrepancy on the timetable.

Tell him how it makes you feel. Taken for granted, exhausted, resentful. Tell him how tiring it is being pregnant.

Ask him how you can work as a team to make sure that it is a true partnership.

If he doesn't cooperate, point out how much more you pay into the mortgage and tell him your current situation is not sustainable and he had better shape up or be prepared to be shipped out because he is adding not enough to the household.

Then stop doing any domestic things for him. No ironed shirts, no dinner on table.

You are in the right, he is being incredibly selfish, exploitative and inconsiderate.

If it isn't him doing the cleaning I don't see why he gets a say in whether you get a cleaner or not.

He wouldn't want a cleaner as we're able bodied.

Can you see how hilariously hypocritical that is? He's so able bodied that he does no housework.

He might not want a cleaner but as he's not doing his fair share, you do. He gets all day Saturday and part of Sunday to please himself, meanwhile you get a couple of hours tops of an evening in the house. Not out and about pleasing yourself. I daresay that's after you've run yourself bloody ragged once you get back after work.

I'd heard that they'd banned slavery. Apparently not.

You say he said "... as WE are able-bodied."

Well, it's about time he showed it then!!

For comparison, my DH does at least 75% of the cooking, dishwasher duties, puts bins out and other tasks as required.

He doesn't do it FOR ME. He does it because he is a member of this household, just like me.

Oh, and btw, I'm currently unemployed and we don't have children, just cats. But he recognises that this house belongs to both of us - and that he's a better cook, but I'm better with laundry.

Well last night we talked but I don't think this are sorted. I asked him why he wasn't talking to me and he said he was keeping his head down until this all blows over. So he basically thinks its all my fault and I know he is thinking to himself that his mother did it without complaint.

I said if I knew marriage was going to be this shit I wouldn't have bothered.
Cried myself to sleep and not feeling good at all. Still same as ever.

Ok he may not want a cleaner.

But you do not want to do every sodding domestic chore, plus work, plus look after a baby, plus deal with pregnancy.

So personally I would explain he had 2 choices.
He could either do at the very least 50% of the general day to day stuff, so cooking, washing, ironing, cleaning or he can accept that you are hiring a cleaner.

Where do men like this come from? How can a person look at their partner doing everything and think that's acceptable?

It shows a huge lack of respect for the person you are supposed to love.

my oh always said we couldn't have a dishwasher because they were unenviromental. I said fine you do ALL the washing up (we had a dishwasher within 2 weeks), if he doesn't want a cleaner he can do ALL the cleaning.
Don't let this blow over. make a timetable and rota (as somebody else said), book yourself in for me time every other sunday (or one sunday a month).
Get him to take the baby to his mums, don't the grandparents want to see them?

His mother MIGHT WELL have done all the shitwork without complaint, but this is a different time now, where people who have some respect for themselves and for others don't sit and have leisure time while their loved work night and day. They pitch in until all the tasks are done then EVERYONE relaxes.

Keeping his head down till this "blows over" is cowardly behaviour and shows how immature and/or lazy he is.

Make a detailed list of every single thing you are doing then show it to him and ask which he would like to take on. He has to take half the jobs. Break down jobs ie laundry into all components so he doesn't for example stuff a load in the machine and think what a clever boy he is. The job isn't finished until those dirty pants are back in the drawer.

And just get a cleaner. The longer you say 'he won't like it, his mum does it all' the longer he will carry right on doing this. You can make the decision all by yourself.

Seriously OP having two babies under 18 months is going to be fucking hard work. Redraw the boundaries and keep them redrawn. And go out at least once a week leaving him with both the baby and a task.

Finally can you free up more time by getting the shopping done online etc?

I think you need to calmly but firmly explain that it isn't going to 'blow over' if that means things will stay the same.

Do the list and the timetable, and ask him why he thinks it is OK and fair that you do so much more work than him, have so much less leisure and relaxation time than him, and pay most of the mortgage. Ask him to explain to you why he thinks that that is OK, and whether he has any pride in himself for thinking it OK that his pg wife works like that, doing 2 jobs, home and work, while he does not?

Do the rota, and if he does not cover his tasks, don't do his washing or cooking.

Thank you all so much for the support. I actually hadnt considered online shopping but I think it would be great (I also have a window of twenty mins until I have to collect baby and am near a supermarket that is not as cheap but very convenient so I could whizz around then but online could be good! )

Things seem ok now, I cooked dinner and we ate it but nothing discussed so I think it's all blown over as far as he's concerned he's taken baby up for his bath. Was talking to friend today and she lives with her boyfriend and she doesn't do any ironing and he cooks three nights. I was thinking why do I kill myself?
I am exhausted but I am going to leave it for tonight but get my thoughts together in this.

Oh yes, we don't have a dishwasher either and also I bake bread etc. why oh why.

Did his mother work full time? If not I really think this is worth pointing out to him. Financially things are not the same as they were a generation ago. Lots of families can no longer afford to have a SAHP.

No she didn't. Also his grandmother cooked a lot and minded them. It's mad how this is going on in his age. My brother is totally hands on.

Stop ironing. I don't iron. I only buy things that are non-iron and if DH wants something pressed, he does it himself or asks me very nicely the day before to help him the day of.
Stop baking bread (please). That is insane. You are not a housewife!
Alternate washing up; only do it once a day, or have one person do morning and the other evening; listen to a podcast/book on tape/music while doing it
OR get a dishwasher. Seriously.
Beans on toast, eggs and bacon, sandwiches, etc. for tea/supper during the week
Let the house fester. People used to live on dirt floors and shit in the corner and still survived. When my son was small, I cleaned nothing but those items/surfaces that might affect food preparation. Much more important to cuddle a baby/DH than clean a bloody floor!

You need to STOP doing everything. If DH decides he wants a cleaner house, great, then he needs to pitch in and make it happen. As long as you're on the hamster wheel, things aren't going to change.

Beyond that,
Grocery delivery for sure
Order as much as you possibly can from Amazon/similar sites. I do not set foot into "real" shops anymore. I buy all my and DS's clothes online from shops that I know we suit/fit into.

You can't keep up like this, you'll have a breakdown. I work 8-4, my husband works 9-9, and we split things with me taking on slightly more childcare than him, because it's just not feasible any other way.