Finding family gatherings really hard.

[TickledOnion]

ExH has a large family who have been lovely and supportive since he left 3 months ago and determined not to leave me out of things. As H often works weekends, I get invited to the large family gatherings with my DDs.

Today was BIL's birthday so I went with the DDs. I found it so awkward going in H's place and I have left feeling quite teary. I like everyone there individually but I'm a bit of an introvert and much happier in smaller groups of people anyway and it all seems much harder now I'm on my own.

I don't want to not go as my DD's love all their GPs, aunts, uncles and cousins and I appreciate that they are trying to include me in family things. Not sure what the point of this post is really. Just need to get it off my chest.

Not surprised you're teary. I think you're going to have to quietly let the ex-IL's drop en masse. Maybe some individual visits occasionally but it's your ExH's responsibility to make sure the DDs have a relationship with his family, not yours.

'The road to hell is paved with good intentions' and I think this is one of those roads best left well alone

I don't want to lose ExH's family. I still think of them as my family. I just don't enjoy all of them in one go. They're quite extrovert and overwhelming en masse.

Am I being naïve to think I can keep their friendship and support despite everything? It makes me very sad to think I will no longer be part of their family.

I'm right there with you in exactly that position. It's so tricky because I feel they are my family-but they aren't! I will keep in touch obviously, but I think it's going to have to be st arms length-for the sake of everyone.

Perhaps go along to things when it is smaller events? Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about it? Perhaps explain to them how you struggle. Invite a few at a time around to yours to socialise - that type of thing?

You don't have to lose them but you do have to understand that they are no longer your family and there will be times when they have divided loyalties. What happens, for example, when your exH has a new g/f and there's another gathering? Do they invite him and not you? Or if you have a new b/f one day is everyone supposed to sweat it out together? Also, whatever goes on at these events will get back to him on the jungle telegraph.... are you happy that your movements are being reported?

Ultimately, however sad it is to think that you won't see them so much, you have to start thinking in terms of forging a new life rather than clinging too much onto the old one. Especially if you find it upsetting.

OP I understand a little bit about how you feel. My XHs family are much more extroverted than I am, and I also felt a distinct feeling of regret that I was losing them when my marriage broke up. Over the past three years since XH and I split up I have seen them less - at first it was because it hurt a bit too much and now I see them as DCs family. XHs parents live about 200 miles away so the DC don't see them that much but I generally take them down there in the summer for a week and they see them at other times.
It does get better but the feeling of loss for me can still be there sometimes.