How do I stop developing feelings for a colleague

[Difficultdecisions]

A temporary member of staff has started working in my department. We have to liaise and I have become attracted to him. I am unhappy at home but know that this is no excuse and the two issues need to be kept separate. I don't know if the attraction is mutual or if he is just being polite. I think he is single. I keep tossing things over and over in my head. I can't have no contact with this colleague but know my feelings will continue to grow for him the more we work together. He will be leaving in September.

I know I will deserve a flaming but please be constructive as well.

Everyone usually says imagine them doing a poo, but that never works for me as everyone does poos.

Why is your home life unhappy? Working on that should be your main priority, can you try to focus on that instead?

You're not single though, OP, no? Don't do it. Please don't. Tell yourself that your feelings are transient and that they will pass. Don't become a cliché and ruin your life for absolutely nothing.

You have control at the moment; if you go down this route, you will lose that pretty quickly and kick yourself for not stopping it when you could. You can also kiss goodbye to your self-respect because whatever excuses you make for doing this, they won't be enough because deep down you'll no. Stop now.

I have internalised a lot of things and can't discuss things at home. I have become very distanced from DH and we barely talk. He can be quite negative but I think some of that is as a result of my distance. Things are fixable but I don't know if I want to fix them!

Thanks Lying I know you are right. I know that the attraction has made me think more about my appearance and has given me a bit an uplift and excitement in a very boring life. I also know it is unlikely to last and that it is very dangerous. It is hard when something makes you feel better even when it is transient.

There's nothing wrong with a crush which is all this can be given that you haven't known this person five minutes. I'm sorry you're unhappy at home but suggest you work out what to do about that as a priority rather than letting this temp distract you.

What does 'unhappy at home' look like?

'Unhappy at home' means we don't talk except for brief superficial conversations - eg would you like a cup of tea? Sometimes we barely exchange a few dozen words a day. No physical contact or sex for several years. DH is very negative to teenage DS and they barely communicate at all. We co exist in the same house but little else.

Then put your efforts into ending the marriage rather than flirting with temps. It's horrible when you've got a lot of sexual energy with no-where to go - and I am really not going to knee-jerk judge anyone for considering an affair - but it's not solving the real problem, just kicking the can down the road.

Your home life sounds awful, no wonder your head is turned.

But there are really no upsides to an affair. End your marriage if that's the right thing to do, then you can shag as many hot temps as you like!

Is it an emotional or sexual attraction or both.

Paq!!!

Just because the chemistry is there, doesn't mean you have to act on it or even talk about it. You don't have to "do" anything about it.

I agree with Cog and Paq. End the marriage as none of you are happy in your house at the moment. Then you can do whatever you like with the rest of your life! Good luck!

Thank you everyone. I think that my current attraction has really highlighted how bad things are at home and that my decision is not about shagging the temp but more about if I want my marriage to continue and how we go about fixing it! Although I have to say that physically, emotionally and intellectually the temp is pretty attractive!

Talk to your DH, many of us on here who have experienced affairs from the 'victim's' point of view (sorry OP, couldn't think of another word), have said that they had no idea what was going through their partner's head and didn't realise how bad things were.

My stbxh was selfish and hurtful when he started his affair with a colleague, she turned his head and then there was no point in us ever working things out as he had already checked out of the marriage. I only wish he had talked to me when those feelings started.

Oh flip, victim was a really bad word to use, I mean those of us who have been on the other end of an affair. Also, with a colleague, you see the professional side and that can be attractive.

Please talk to your DH, if it is that bad, try everything before you call it a day.

OP, I have to agree with the PPs. End your marriage if you do not think you can continue or want to. Remember that if you embark on a fling, you will be giving yourself (and other people) a whole NEW set of problems o deal with, on top of the one you have. It is like drinking lots to try to drown out problems...the problems are still there and you now have an added problem.

A better life is there for you if you make the soundest choices. Good luck!!

^^^^ o should be to!!!

I think with this kind of thing you need to acknowledge the attraction but ignore it if that makes sense. I had something similar for a colleague (and was totally happy with DH, then DP, I acknowledged but ignored it and it eventually went away as I realised guy at work was a huge twat!) If he's a temp he won't be there for that long anyway.

Also I agree. If this is highlighting the crappy parts of your marriage, that is within your power to change, change that - life is too short.

I am going to be looking for the negatives with the temp in order to try and 'put myself off him' rather than find him attractive. I think most of it is a bit fantasy and escapism on my part as I have no idea what he thinks. He knows I am married and as a temp is probably only being polite in his dealings with me and I am wanting to be able read more than that into the situation because of feeling lonely.

I have been thinking about counselling and so probably now need to pursue that.

Know this: the temp is a catalyst. He is a catalyst pushing you to sort out your relationship - either end it or heal it.

Talk to your DH. Tell him how unhappy you are, ask how he feels. Sort it all out. I've been in your position before and seen it many times among friends (on both sides). On some occasions the crush (not acted upon) saved the marriage, on some it helped bring about the end of a bad situation that was ready to end.

I've been in your shoes - in a previously long relationship that had become unhappy, it was an intense crush that forced me to end it. I couldn't stop thinking about this OM, and even woke up one night calling his name! It was so intense it felt like an illness, so I understand what you are going through.

I didn't act upon it, but it was the catalyst that ended a relationship that should have ended a long time earlier. Ironically, after the break-up OM asked me out, and I said no - I didn't need that catalyst anymore so the crush had died.

Don't do anything about your crush - you will regret it. But do something about your DH immediately.