Hello..
I didnt know whether this belonged in the Post natal depression thread or here... so here goes
I have a 10 month old baby girl who I adore, but does not sleep at all through the night , wakes up 3 or 4 times (teething) but has never slept through since born.. so I am pretty exhausted and cranky because of lack of sleep all the time.. and then I am running our camp site in France which in itself was highly stressful before she came along.
My husband and I work together and we are always arguing about the business , we have different approaches and we both have decided that we want to sell the business as it is so stressful, no time to ourselves, very little income, which is also our home but we cant find a buyer so we both feel trapped and I am really beginning to resent him. I met hm whilst he was running his campsite whilst I was travelling. We fell in love and I decided to move in and help him run it. It is a 24/7 operation. We dont make enough money to employ lots of people only 1 other.
I want us to sell but deep down I dont think he does. But its so hard for me to get another job where we live, out in the middle of nowhere etc. Plus, I feel I am crap mum because I often scream at my dd as I need to concentrate whilst running the business side, customers calling, on the laptop etc et
I feel I am doing a crap job running the business and being a mum at the saem time and resent my husband because I dont want to run the business , just want to be a good mum but when I take my eye off the ball , the business suffers, complaints from guests etc etc
Also , I realise that ths type of business doesnt suit me at all. My husband loves hospitality and people in your face all the time, in your home. I am the opposite I like my privacy and space and hate people knocking on my door.I find it intrusive. But I know that is the business we are in. Our house is separate but still within walking distance. We get unanounced visitors, even people we do not know or like turning up. And I hate it!! An example, my parents who I have a bad relationship with my mother and have not spoken to in 10 years, tried cutting her off, but stayed in contact with my dad.. tracked me down and turned up to the campsite as they found us on tripadvisor. All i want is to be anonymous, and be left alone, not bothered and I find myself in the exact opposite situation.My husband just shrugs it off saying thats the business we are in.
My husband cannot run the business side at all , he is a practical, hands on person , so does the operational side.
I feel so overwhelemed by the business and the stress with trying to look after a baby means daily we argue, scream and shout eachother. We dont have sex anymore. I think we are both happier when we arent together but we are forced as we have to work togther, and try for our dd,but terrible at working together. I can really feel the resentment inside me brewing daily.
I thought I could be one of those women who could do it all.. but clearly not.. and actually want out. We cant afford to employ another person to help us. We barely makes end meet.
Our parents dont live in France. I am contemplating putting her in a creche for a few hours but we cannot really afford that also, plus my mother in law would be disgraced if she found out, saying I was a bad mother, as her other daughter in law had done that before. I keep dreaming of my life before, single, free, a traveller and now I am married and wife and mother and running my own business I am the most unhappiest I have been in my whole life due to the stress levels. I feel I have become a completely different person, someone negative, shouty, sad , always angry, frazzled and exhausted. I hate the person I have become and sometimes day dream I wish i was the person before, serene, positive, happy, upbeat , free, realxed, footloose and fancy free!
My only way out is that the business is sold, so my husband can find another job, and I can just focus on being a good mum as that is all I want to do to be honest. But we both feel trapped.
We work so hard we dont have time to socialise and make freinds with others, we only have a couple of friends and hardly have the time to see them.
I managed to go to a local mum and baby group which is a mixture of international mums and occassionally when my husband can babysit but they feel more like aquaintances than good friends and do it mainly for my dd to interact with other babies and toddlers. All my good pals are back in the UK. I dont really have many French friends.
I feel I have sacrificed so much to help him run his business and not enjoy living in the home in the way I want to because of the type of business we are in.
I dont want to have to take anti depressents but feel that if I walked around the site and my husband with an artificial smile , flatlining that might be the only way to cope. But I see this as a last resort as would prefer a more natural approach. Basically I want out , and feel that the divocecourts are nearing but also feel so sad as our dd is only 10 months old. We have onl been married 2 and half years
Sorry for the rant folks, it does help writing things down, thanks for reading!
Do any other mums dream of a life of "people just leaving you alone?"..