Friendships - why can't I do them?

[TeeManyMartoonis]

I don't think there is anything anyone can really say about this but I just need an ear, if you wouldn't mind.

I am 26, happily married. I have had good friends over the years, especially at school and uni. But I have suddenly realised I don't have a group of girlfriends at all now - and it is making me really sad. I had one of my best friends as a bridesmaid - she is now getting married and hasn't asked me. I know IABU to be upset and I completely understand her decision but I can't help wondering if she doesn't ask me, then no one ever will. My oldest friend lives a long way away from me and is rubbish with contact.

The thing is I have lots of older friends who come to ours for dinner and we go to theirs. It is lovely. I really enjoy their company and feel like I can be myself around them. But when they mention people and say 'Oh we've been friends for 20 odd years' I can't help thinking that I don't think i will be able to say that.

Sorry - just feeling very sad about it.

Maybe you perceive them as your friends but you don't act like a good friend to them? I dunno. What I do know is that people move on, they change their priorities/lifestyles and their old friends sometimes don't suit any longer. Sounds like your older friends deserve to be nurtured and cherished. You're lucky to have them. And maybe they're lucky to have you, too.

I don't think it's as unusual as you think. People are very different in their mid 20s to when they were at school or even at uni.

I am still friends with a few girls from school but sometimes when we meet (every few times a year) I feel a bit sad as I realise that we tend to reminisce about the past rather than having masses in common now. We'll always be friends but the wider group has definitely dropped off and it's just because of how much people grow apart.

The other thing though is that I don't make an effort with people if they don't make an effort with me - if you keep inviting someone out and they always decline and never ask back you end up just not bothering at all. Do you ever do this? Do you make an effort to make plans with friends or leave it to them to organise?

My best group of friends now is one who I met after I'd graduated, moved to London and joined a sports team. I met them about aged 25 and still see uni friends too but am not bothered by not having known them for 15 years as we're all friends for shared ground as adults.

It's still possible to get a good group of friends now - maybe join some clubs etc and you'll soon make friends, possibly of people who you like even more than those from school or uni.

Hi, At one time I did not have any really close friends close by of my own age. I think it was for three reasons. I don't live where I was brought up and have no family or old school or Uni friends close by. You need proximity for new relationships to develop and proximity to sustain old relationships.
Also In my younger days I talked a lot, mainly about myself, I interrupted people when they were talking and didn't let them speak. I then accidentally went on a counselling course and came to realise how self obsessed I am. ( lots of excuses, poor parents who never listened or valued me etc) I have low self esteem and so boasted constantly about what I had which is not nice to listen to.
I also live in a small village and the women of my age were few and far between.
If you live in a big place then it is more likely that you will meet more people. I have people in the village who I do things with but I would not describe them as close friends and I have much younger soul mate, but we are at different stages in our lives. To combat my loneliness and friendless ness I started a Book Club by advertising in a local free paper. Nine women turned up and I practised my new skill of listening to them instead of talking. I am Ok now. Not as many friends as I would like but who does? Examine yourself first. Do you listen? Is a conversation between you and others 50/50 ? Also try to relax about friendships , as needy people , who ring you up every five minutes demanding that you do this or that with them are a pain, so are controlling people who only want you to do what they want to do. Give and take. You sound nice so I it may just be the location you live in.
Regarding being a bridesmaid, it always hurts to feel rejected so I can't put a plaster on that one for you, it just has to be sucked up and not dwelled upon. The bride will have had very good reasons for her choice and will have done a lot of pondering over who to ask. So chin up. Think about your interests, join things, organise things yourself , get out , and above all listen, rather than talk about yourself. Best of luck.

It's okay to feel sentimental to be honest. I used to be like this all the time. I came to realise that some friendships are better left where it was. As you said about the "being yourself", I came to realise that certain people do bring out the best in you. It is about people and personalities. Birds of a feather, flock together. One thing I did learn from my cousin is though, if you do miss them, and is thinking of them, then let them know. Life is indeed too short not to express your feelings. Even if it is a short message. Even when one of the girl I knew at uni grew apart with me, her husband texted everyone (mutual friends) their joyful news of getting a boy. I heard from a friend they had been trying hard. So it is still big news, and worthy to be shared.

Maybe you can send a message on with blessings. Kind of like a distant friend, even if they are no longer close.

One thing I learnt is, good emotional connection brings people together when you meet with such strong open hearts.

Thanks everyone, lots to think about here.

I certainly don't think I am blameless. married young and threw myself into my relationship - though I think the bigger problem is I had not cultivated a strong enough friendship base to withstand that change iyswim. Having said that, I don't live near any good friends having moved away and they certainly don't really try either (so perhaps I need to admit that the time has passed and I need to just move on?)

Toyoungtodie: I don't think i am self obsessed but I do know that I talk when am nervous - this is something I am trying to work on.

I need to join a club or something because as you say, it is not too late.

Why not just send a casual text or a message ? I also do not always have time for some old uni friends, and I too have not tried too hard as well. Cos I have moved everywhere. One friend's excuse used to be that I did not live in London, but then another friend from the North was invited often down too. So... it's... sigh. I just keep in touch with those who kind of has a position in my heart. At least it is sincere, right ?

Teemanymartoonis you sound really lovely and you are sorting your own problems out yourself as you are perceptive. I have been in some lovely groups and then had to move because of my husband's job. Once I lost the immediate contact and support of a group of 15 NCT women when we moved to the other side of the country. I cried buckets. Life goes up and down.

Thanks toyoungtodie - I think I forget that life has those ups and downs, as you so rightly describe them.

I texted my friend (after i had left a couple of voicemails a week or so ago) and she phoned back and we had a good chat which was nice.

As Maisie says, i don't want friends just for the sake of it, and I think that means I kind of had a bit of a cull a few years ago! I would just love a girls' night in, with a pizza and a film and some laughs. That would make me really happy. I just need to find them first.

Thanks all, it has really helped being able to talk to you