Jealousy and snooping

[InspectorClueless]

Background story: dh of 10+ years told me he was worried about developing feelings for a client. It was at this time he was under immense stress at work and was drinking a lot. I was obviously devastated about this. I knew we hadn't been getting on great, but put this down to stresses of young family etc. he then said he didn't have feelings for this woman and put it downtown stress/drinking too much. This was a year ago and we have had a baby since all this.

The problem I have is he is still in touch with her through work (essential as self employed and her firm provides a lot of his work). I didn't want him to have anything to do with her, but he said that's impossible due to his work. Plus, he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong as he doesn't feel anything other than friendship towards her so is unwilling or unable to cut contact with her.

The problem is, I can't stop looking at his phone or emails to see if he's contacted her, which he is doing, mainly through work, but the odd 'got any amusing stories etc'. I feel sick to my stomach every time I think about him contacting her and keep having meltdowns as I feel so threatened by the situation. I found an email he'd sent to her last week, replying to one from her saying she was bored and he found tone to reply to her, but not to a text I'd sent him earlier in the day - tbh, the text didn't need a response, but if you've got time surely your wife should be priority?

Every time I speak to him about it he gets pissed off I'm looking at his phone etc. but doesn't see he's doing anything wrong. I did tell him yesterday I felt utterly worthless and as if he didn't want to be here and he is here just for the kids. He said the kids were a big part of it, but that he does want to be with me. I just can't see it. Which is why I'm unable to stop tormenting myself with reading much more into things than I would with anyone else.

The bottom line is, he said what he said about developing feelings, and I can't forget that and it can never be unsaid. Really don't know what the hell to do as swing from being furious with him to berating myself for being so pathetic that I have stooped so low that I'm constantly in doubt about everything and and snooping to try and prove there is something amiss.

Please give me some advice to help me break this self districting cycle as the more is goes on, the worse I feel, and am probably pushing him away even more.

I think you should trust your judgement. One minute he drops the bombshell that he 'has feelings', the next they're jolly pals and you're meant to just forget all about it and act like nothing happened?... Clearly he isn't doing enough to reassure you and make you feel more secure and that is something he should be addressing head-on & 100% seriously rather than getting huffy that you're still annoyed. Assuming her firm is not a one-woman outfit, there must be someone else he can trade with. The chatty messaging has to be knocked on the head.

He's not taking this seriously at all.

I honestly believe that nothing has gone on. I think part of the problem is that I feel very vulnerable and insecure after such a (non)confession. I don't think it's helped by pregnancy hormones and then post pg hormones. He is trying, I think he's just confused as, as far as he is concerned, there is nothing going on therefore there is no problem?? I just feel like I'm not good enough anymore despite him telling me I'm silly for thinking that.

I've just spoken to him again and he wants me to stop torturing myself as there really is nothing more to it. He's really quite worried about me now so will hopefully realise how much it's worrying me. There is part of me that wonders if this is something I'm subconsciously making more of a deal out of as I'm worried about our relationship, but don't have anything that I can put my finger on?

That there's nothing going on doesn't mean there's not a problem. Clearly there's a problem. You're upset. Please don't excuse it as pregnancy hormones and please don't excuse his behaviour with 'he's just confused'.

It's not 'subconsciously' either. He deliberately, consciously, out loud, lobbed a very serious statement into your relationship and that has repercussions. He has to deal with it properly and not dismiss you with 'stop torturing yourself'.

Surely he could have no contact at all outside of work emails, so there would be no 'personal' contact and request for 'funny stories' etc. What does he say to that?

He may have disclosed these feelings in the interests of honesty and open-ness; or he may have done it from anger, to get back at you for something, to un-settle you and get power and control. Either way he's lobbed a grenade into the relationship and seems surprised at the consequences.

When you told him you feel 'worthless' and are only 'here just for the kids', he didn't reply: I'm here because I totally love you', but 'the kids were a big part of it'. Nobody is reassured by faint praise.

Either he's manipulating you to keep you on the hop or he has no insight into his own behaviour and its consequences. He needs to step up, take responsibility and put it right. You can't do that on your own.

How is your relationship in general? Is he affectionate, and keen to see you? Are you still having sex, spending time together and generally is he making you feel happy and secure? Obviously with small children these things will perhaps be difficult or on a back burner, but in general do you feel as though he loves you and wants to be with you? I am always a big supporter of trusting your gut feelings, if you are feeling insecure or down about your relationship in any way in my experience there is usually a damn good reason for it, even if you can't initially figure out what that reason is. His response about 'the kids being a big part of it' definitely wouldn't help things either, that would personally make me feel very insecure, especially after his confession about this woman.