if you could give me one piece of advice to help me help my dc through our separation please what would it be x

[fakeblondie]

I've been married 24 years and have 4 dc.
2 are adults and fairly independant but our younger 2 I am worried about more.
Ds is 11 and the only boy .
DD is 4 .
They see the daddy regularly.
Im making sure they both know they can call text Skype himanytime.
On a positive note we have been separated a couple of months and the dc have not been witness to our toxic relationship with regular arguments since we separated.
Im worried that if I do this wrong I could completely mess up their future lives and own relationships, which is primarily why I have ended my marriage . I don't want them to see us as any sort of role model relationship on which to base a future of their own as adults.
For those that have done this I can already see its a huge learning curve but I would really really like any advise on doing the best I can for dc x x x

The best thing you can do is bury the hatchet. I may have read the sentence 'regular arguments since we separated' wrong but do you mean that you are still fighting since the split?

Doesn't mean being best buddies or artificially sweet with each other because DCs can see through fakery. But it means that you sort out any remaining differences quickly, cleanly, respectfully (legally?) and then make a conscious decision to aim for civil cooperation where the DCs are concerned.

In my experience, I think it's vital to invest in your own happiness and focus on building up a sense of calm, positivity and forward thinking. Your wellbeing will shape the atmosphere of your home, so make sure that you are well, rested, happy as much as you can be, and able to be present for your children in the normal positive ways you would usually be. To ask about their day, do homework, plan fun trips out etc. Try meditation, go to bed early etc - it honestly will make all the difference for you all, it does for me and mine when I manage to do that.

Never ever say anything negative about their dad or their new family. When you see them be friendly, offer a cup of tea at pick ups etc. make it easy for children to have good relationships with their other family

Thank you.
nafnaf your advice is so true. I am finding that if I look after me and accept that its ok not to produce home made meals EVERY night but a cuddle story beans on toast and early night is just as good or better !
I try and make small positive changes daily and found being honest with them has helped.
Im reading a book about separation and divorce but in 2 months ive only managed 2 chapters ( just flake out in bed ! )
Cog I try and be civil but usually have to walk away as exdh is not nice to me in front of children, yet he will text me ten mins after hes gone how much he loves me still .( yes hes 48 !)
Maddy I have made a concious effort not to be negative and do try and tell them regularly how much we both love them.
dd aged 3 asked me in the bath yest why daddy lives at grandmas now and after all the planning what to say again I just dried up ?? Im not good at saying the right thing kind of feel in a panic about getting it wrong so much I am actually getting it wrong because I just seem to panic about getting it right !

"civil cooperation" - sounds lovely. Wish it were. I have yet another legal letter from ex this week to add to the 8 page stonker from last week. We settled finances last year - again ex had taken me to court. He didn't get everything he wanted, so now he has started again with DS.

Op - you do need to be true to you. I find if I deal with ex professionally, politely, compromising and then I get trampled on I find that much harder to deal with emotionally than if I had just stood up to him in the first place. So this idea that we should all be polite and nice really does, I think, depend on who you are dealing with.

My advice for what its worth,
Bite yr tongue about yr ex no matter how pissed of you are with him/her
Never ever be negative about them
Work hard to get to a position where you can do important parent stuff together without any hint of an atmosphere (parties.parents eve etc)
Present a united front ALL of the time (even when you don't actually agree with yr ex)
I get on with my ex so we have with effort been able to achieve these things, If you cant achieve the above then probably best not to have any contact with yr ex in front of the kids?
Be as honest as you can be with them about why when how it all broke up
Shower yr kids with love
x yr fingers and hope for the best.
The fact that you have thought about this and why its so important suggests to me that you are doing a fab job and it will all work out well.
HTH