Struggling to come to terms with abuse.

[superstarheartbreaker]

It was 15 years ago annd STILL I cant forgive my stuppidity. I alloeed him in, I stayed, I alliwed him to rob me and to take away my sense of self. Not only that but he was short, ugly and he had a tiny knob! Ehat was I thinkibg? There wre so many lively, handsone kind men. He took my mental health from me which was the worst thing.
I just want a normsl, happy life with someone who lives me but I feel too damaged right now. I have started therapy, hopefully with emdr and I am on anti depressants. I cant forgive myself for allowing this man in. I just dont get it.

Sorry typos.....damn phone!

So you made a mistake... I doubt, when you met him, that he was wearing an 'I'm an abusive shit' t-shirt. I expect he was perfectly nice to begin with and - as most of them do - cranked up the mistreatment and manipulation as time went on. It's not stupidity to be a victim, it's sheer bad luck. In fact, it's often the intelligent, strong, resourceful type of person that will keep trying to make things work long after others would have walked away. You only need to forgive yourself if you blame yourself.... and, in reality, the person who should take 100% of the blame is Mr Acorn Dick. I expect you've never had chance to kick him in the metaphorical balls and you'll find that your depression actually stems from a feeling of injustice and impotence.

If it's been 15 years and you are still struggling then therapy sounds like an extremely good idea. Good luck

Thanks cognito. You always talk sense. Youd make a great relationship councellor.

Thanks, you're very kind. You don't have to answer this, I'm just being nosy, but did you ever get the chance subsequently to give the guy a dressing down? Most don't and I think that sense of 'unfinished business' can sometimes go onto cause problems.

Actually, after he apologized I did write a huge long letter about how I wished that I'd never met him, I couldn't believe that I stayed with him for so long, that he'd robbed me of the life that I wanted.
I also told him that he should also be apologizing to my parents who were devastated by the physical and emotional injuries that I sustained. I also said that now he is a parent, he should understand better the suffering he put my parents through. (He tried to separate them from me anyway.) His basic control tactic was controlling what I ate as he was vegan. I hence developed an eating disorder and had to drop out of uni as I was 6 stone. I still have no idea why I didn't dump him when he refused to kiss me if I ate meat and went through the contents of my parents' freezer and slagged off all the meat produce. He also insisted on doing all of the cooking and went on a Macrobiotic course in America and phoned me up telling me not to eat sugar, chocolate, yoghurt etc. as they were all evil and would make me ill. He was also one of those paranoid pot head, woo, anti vaccine, pro homeopathy weirdoes. I mean nowadays it would be a MASSIVE RED FLAG but what do you know when you are 16 hey?
He sent me a reply but I never read it. I have no idea why. I think I was too scared about his reaction.

I guess if id read his reply I might have more closure but I don't think I was interested in his justification for being a twat.
He did admit that he was controlling and couldn't believe that I didn't scream at him when I apologized though.
I am starting EMDR and I hope this will help release some of the trauma.

How long were you with him, superstar? Is the eating ok now? Have you met someone else?

You will get there! Keep trying and you will come to terms with it and bin him in the past.

What does anyone know about anything age 16? Was he a few years older than you? (And I would guess the answer to that is 'yes') If there was an age difference beyond a year or two that adds another potential abuse dynamic

Love, this stuff doesn't get better by itself! You've suffered somehow for 15 years, but are starting therapy now, so things will be allowed to heal.

Youkre on your way. :)

Have you read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft? It's a fabulous book, that really brings home just how orchestrated it all is, and how nothing about abuse or control has anything to do with you. It's very freeing.

You didn't do this, so try not to hurt yourself by being too unkind to yourself. He did this, you're entitled to anger, it needs to be expressed in a safe place, and therapy is the place to do this.

Does the therapist know you've suffered this abuse!

I was with him 5 years... Eating is fine now...loving my food. Also away from that woo crap...great. Find it vey difficult to form relationships and am single ATM. I have had a few partners but I get very anxious and then they run.

No... He was the same age but he was Mr always right.