ex left me...ive moved on...he hasnt and constant texting

[Minime85]

Basically I was given the I love u but I'm not in love with you speech last summer. eeked it out and in end agreed to separate in October. he left in November. all what he wanted. I made it clear door wasn't necessarily closed if he realised he had made a mistake. he made it clear no reconciliation to be had. was and still is no ow (although I still suspect an emotional one at some point)

anyway fast forward to now. I've moved on, joined an old site. told him this as to cut a long story short I tie myself in knots about not being honest. he was upset. he now won't engage with me or even look at me.

so, when he has dcs which is never for more than 48 hours due to his job, he texts me with any arguments they are having and things they've said and pictures of what they are doing. we agreed to co parent but I feel he is still using me in the same way as if we were still together. I feel he needs to deal with things himself and not involve me with everything.

I just don't know how to approach this without rocking what is a reasonably amicable separation otherwise. and given the whole reaction to my move into dating I'm stumped. any advice gratefully received

I think you have to abandon 'amicable' and adopt 'cool but polite' by going strict no contact except where the children are concerned. All this business of leaving doors open and telling him you're dating is TMI and giving him far too much ammunition. He needs know nothing of your private life and, if he is not engaging with you, that is exactly what you want to encourage. You have a historic link but, for all practical purposes, you are no longer friends.

Are you married?

I dont want you but I dont want you to ever stop wanting me.

id suggest stop telling him stuff. He doesnt need to know about your personal life. Limit your communication to stuff regarding the children. If he says anything remind him that he made his choice and the result of that was he forfeited any right to a say in any of yours.
if he wont stop texting you over trivia, hand the phone to someone else while he has contact and have them contact you if its actually important. If you were my friend I would happily do that for you. If he knows you wont see the texts, he may stop bothering you.

some people choose to leave and then become enraged because the person they chose to leave doesnt live the rest of their life in a sobbing heap on the floor.

thank you both . we do only text re dcs and contact. due to his job its very complicated and not in a regular routine

I only told him about dating as I've been Ill, lost a lot of weight with a stress related health condition. I needed to tell him as was having to lie about where I was and the added stress hindering me getting better. so it was purely selfish health reasons I told him. and it has helped massively there.

yes still married, just trying to get divorce sorted now.

I did just ignore messages yesterday and thought deal with it yourself and because I didn't reply he bloody rang me! then sent no fewer than 7 texts immediately afterwards.

I'm in a similar boat. Split with exh last summer, he moved out in sept. Things had been terrible for years and eventually he said he wanted to get divorced. He'd had several EAs with other women, including one in particular when we split which became physical.

It was tough but I agreed it was for the best and have since got on with life and moved on. Told exh I was dating a nice guy and he went mental

He now fluctuates between no contact and lots of friendly texts, but recently has taken to ringing me at work. He always starts with something about the children, but then moves onto a long tale about either his new relationship (it's all gone wrong) or his health.

After disengaging himself totally from me for years he suddenly wants to talk about allsorts with me. It's like he needs someone outside of his immediate life to counsel him. When he lived with me he talked to other women, now he lives apart from me he talks to me!

I'm trying hard to keep amicable but distant. If it wasn't for the children I would definitely go NC but I have to force myself to be pleasant. He seems to have accepted I'm moving on now but has a constant sorry look on his face as if to show everyone how hard his life is.

I'm not sure what my advice is as I'm very up and down about it myself. All I know is I feel much better when I've not been in contact with him for a while. If I allow him to start telling me his tales I feel worse, so I try to keep everything brief and factual.

My mistake comes when I say 'how are you?' (I know, I can't help it, I'm one of those caring types ) I know I shouldn't ask but when he does that 'Woe is me' stupid face I find it coming out of my mouth before I can help it. Then he delights in launching into one of his long moans. I'm learning to keep my mouth shut!

Short & brief, then walk away. That's my advice.

Sorry, didn't really answer your question about the children properly. If he's constantly asking you questions about them while he has them you probably need to have a talk about it. How old are they? What sort of things does he ask?

My guess is that he doesn't actually need help or advice, but he knows that the times when the kids are with him are the times you are likely to be out doing your own thing. He doesn't like the fact that you're dating so he's trying to sabotage your child-free time and ruin your evenings.

Don't be surprised if you're out on a date and there's suddenly an 'emergency' that means you have to come home. I've had a couple of occasions where ds has apparently needed to come home or the kids have left something at mine so 'can I just drop it off'

It's very hard to ignore because they use the children to make you feel guilty. Thankfully my exh seems to now get that I need time to myself (he only has them overnight once a week) and generally leaves me alone when he has them.

thanks roller. he has always been like that re texting/messaging when he has them I've literally only just told him about dating. its like he needs to share it with someone and I just don't think it's
my job to do that anymore . he texts if they are messing about or don't like something they are doing with him. somethings I need to know bit think he could tell me when I collect them. he had them for 7 hours yesterday and I had 10 texts in that time and a phone call as I hadn't answered texts.

then I feel bad as he has no one else to share these things with but it isn't my fault and he put dcs and me and himself in this situation. I've tried so hard to pick myself up and dust myself down and move on. feel like he thinks co parenting is this constant two way conversing when he has them.

It's not your fault that he has no-one to share things with. If he's 'Billy No Mates' it's his fault. You just have to harden your heart, and that will come in time. I suppose you have to check the texts just in case one says 'child in hospital' or similar but otherwise, carry on ignoring until he gets the message that, when they are with him, they are 100% his responsibility

There may come a point when you have to say to him you are their father, you are just as capable as I am. I don't text you when they are with me to give you minute by minute updates do I? What is it that you want me to do? Why are you texting me? Do you want me to text you each and every time they mess about or I don't like something they are doing?

thanks cognito u are right I know. that's thing I have to look in case its something serious but then it just winds me up. I need to be shorter with him I think. I thought not replying yesterday ought to have sent a message.

Hecate thanks yes I need to do that. its only 6 months in and all such a huge learning curve

well they aren't even there and I've had another odd message so I replied saying I didn't know what else to say. and got a load back saying hang on a minute take a step back. honestly.

STOP ENGAGING!!! If you feed a monkey, the monkey's gonna stay on your doorstep!