I left an alcoholic husband

[cara63]

I have not posted anywhere before. It is one year ago that I forced an unwanted separation after 12 years of marriage and 2 children. Despite promises of seeking help and "doing everything" for the children, he has got progressively worse and has not fully engaged with seeking help. Promises of detox have fallen by the wayside and into the terrible waiting game of the organisations who will help, if he shows motivation. There is no likelihood of me taking him back, but I now feel desperately sad at the likely end to our story and the impact on our children ( 11 and 9) I am living abroad which has helped and provided a real separation, I have taken the children back to see him, and in January he could barely relate to them, and presented as a damaged, self obsessed drunk, none of which made it any easier. We return to the Uk next year. I feel terribly sad and isolated and don't know how to prepare for the worst. I posted as I want to know if others are going through this and advice regarding helping the children, thank you

All I can say is WELL DONE!! I've got the t shirt on that one - my d s are a bit younger but I know how hard it is. It does get easier! I'm not out of the woods yet by any means but it goes get easier. How much gave you told the children? I recommend Alanon for you and possibly Alateen for your eldest. Good luck with the next step in your journey - hold your head high xxx

Thank you wildernessagogo. The children understand a fair amount, but until we return to UK next year, we are limited with help for them. I do not regret leaving, I am just sad for small ones.

My alcoholic ex didn't seek help until he tried to take his own life & failed. As you already know, while he remains an alcoholic he will prioritise his drinking above everything else & that includes the children. Well done for leaving, its hard but you made the best decision that you could. Having an alcoholic partner or parent is something nobody should have to endure.

All the children need to know is that their dad is ill. If you fear that his drinking will get to the point that it kills him, perhaps its better for the children to not see him & to get used to the idea of his not being around. If he is the drunk I suspect he is then they won't be losing that much by not having a relationship as he is incapable of maintaining a father role.

If they have seen him & have a little understanding of the man he now is then they may find it hard to understand how their dad has changed. I know its hard if you have bitterness & resentment but put them aside & explain to your children that he is ill & try to be kind to him with your words. You loved him once so do him the kindness of keeping the true picture of his condition away from the children.

Feel free to end contact with him until he has sought help & is sober.

thank you onetiredmummy , wise words. I have done all I can to promote contact by Skype as we are many thousands of miles away for now, my fear is how to prepare the children for what I believe will be the inevitable phone call. I have reduced contact to a weekly "hello" the children are less interested to speak, but seem to be saddened and aware that he interest has reduced. It is good to hear from others who have been here, thank you.