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Original poster

to continue with this relationship under the circumstances.....

20 replies

Dustier · 10/05/2014 19:21

I've been with dh since we were in school. We're both late thirties now, and we have twins aged 11 and a ds aged 6.

Our marriage is, ummm.....'strained', I suppose is best description. Sometimes, I look back and wonder how on earth it's lasted so long.

Dh is naturally a cold and distant man. Always has been, but I loved him so much I was prepared to put the effort in to get closer to him.

If I keep this up by leading EVERY conversation; initiating EVERY piece of affection; making ALL our plans, it can still work. But after 20 years, 3 kids and 1 lost career (which I'm currently working hard to revive), I just can't do it anymore.

I've gone round and round in circles discussing this with dh for about the last 5 years, but clearly he just hasn't got it in him to make the effort.

So, about 2 years ago I fell in love with another man. Never saw it coming, but he means the world to me now. We are very well suited.

He is also married, and has 2 children. He is very very close to his kids (13 and 7), and his wife suffers with a long term mental health condition. He would never leave the family and allow his children to witness what a divorce would likely do to their mum.

I am similarly trapped in a financial mess of negative equity and very low income of my own. There's just no way that we can pay basic living costs for all 5 of us if we were to separate.

So, given all that, am I really being unreasonable to continue with this relationship which makes me so happy, without causing huge distress and upheaval to all involved?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 10/05/2014 19:36

Are you serious?

You've been having an affair for 2 years with a married man, who claims he doesn't want them to witness what a divorce would do to their mentally ill Mother?

Presumably, when she finds out her DH has been fucking another woman for the past 24 months, that won't cause any pain or distress at all?

Similarly, when your DH finds out you're fucking another man, you're going to have to cope financially then aren't you?

Your marriage is failing, accept that and plan a divorce like an adult...before the whole thing becomes one messy mud throwing fest that your kids get caught up in the middle of.

skittycat · 10/05/2014 19:59

YABU. You're trying to have your cake and eat it too.

Does your husband currently know that you are in love with another man? And if not, why do you think it is fair to carry on in a marriage with him under false pretences when he could be getting on with his life and finding someone who loves him how he is?

HotSauceCommittee · 10/05/2014 20:07

I don't "blame" you, or even think you are a dreadful person, but you are obviously feeling some disquiet about your actions, or you wouldn't have posted here.

Your DH is not being given the chance to make an informed choice about your lack of fidelity. You need to either tell him. If he is, as you say, "a cold and distant man", maybe he would be happy to eschew the typical monogamy in return for your tolerance if his behaviour? Otherwise get a divorce and stop wasting his time on the type of relationship he didn't choose. You need to talk.

PansOnFire · 10/05/2014 20:13

You need to sort this out and stop trying to justify what you are doing as right - it's not right and you know it.

Your husband sounds awful but it's really no excuse to have an affair, it makes you as bad as him. You are deceiving him into thinking that everything is normal when you have already left your relationship. I do not understand the mentality of someone who is willing to 'trick' someone I to thinking they want to be there. You say that he's cold and distant, perhaps he knows? Perhaps he feels the same way that you do but doesn't want to hurt you by finishing the marriage? I don't understand why you are forcing him into being normal with you when it's all a lie anyway.

Wake up OP, the man you are having an affair with claims he won't put his children through a divorce, yet he's willing to risk them finding out that he's having an affair and their idyllic childhood with him has been fake? That's not the reason, he hasn't left his wife because he doesn't want to. He finds life hard because she has mental illness so he uses you to have the type of relationship he can't have with her. This is very harsh, but you owe it to yourself to admit it.

If you don't love your husband then leave, leave as a single and dignified person and not because you are having an affair. This man will not bring you the happiness you crave and you are risking the happiness of your children, it is not worth it. If he still wants to be with you when you are both single then you know it's real, if he never becomes single then you'll know it wasn't.

Objection · 10/05/2014 20:15

Fucking Hell, OP. You're brave to post this on AIBU. I strongly urge you to ask to get this moved to Relationships as I don't think you'll get the right support here.

FWIW - I think you need to sit down and have a good long think about what you want. Whether this man is worth giving up your life for, whether you still love your DH.
The long term damage this could cause everyone (you, DH, DCs and the OMs ill wife) is colossal - so you need to make some kind of move

BolshierAyraStark · 10/05/2014 20:15

Divorce is the option that is best for you, then find a man who doesn't have a wife & children-but you know that already, you're fairly stupid if you don't Hmm

Coldlightofday · 10/05/2014 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frogslegs35 · 10/05/2014 20:18

You really need to ask?
Of course you're being unreasonable. Hugely.

Apart from the fact your other man is a cheating cuntwanker for betraying his ill wife and his children. YOU also made your own vows and have been basically pissing on them and on your own husband, not to mention the damage this will cause to your own dc.

You've had 5 years of trying to fix it with your dh - plenty time to end it if you weren't happy.
He is who he is - you wanted that at one point and he was good enough for you back then. Of course that doesn't mean you should stay if you're so miserable but does he really deserve his wife cheating on him?

Do the right thing - tell cuntwanker to FO then end it with your DH. Save everyone else the pain op.

summerbreezer · 10/05/2014 20:21

The OM doesn't love you.

If he does, he loves his wife more. Not his kids, his wife. He could leave her, be with you and still be a good parent.

He chooses not to - because it is her she wants.

Decide what you want to do about your marriage. Then maybe get some counselling to see why you are prepared to put up with such shoddy relationships.

EverythingsDozy · 10/05/2014 20:27

How could you be so cruel?
How could you be so cruel to your husband of years, the father to your children? How could you be so cruel to a woman you don't know, but you know to have MH issues?
I bang on about this a lot, but I'm that wife! I got left by my partner of 10 years (husband for less than 2) because he fell in love with another woman, only 4 months ago. It hurts! Please don't break up a family, it isn't fair. His poor wife probably has no idea, she's probably blissfully unaware like I was!
If you don't want to be with your DH then leave him but you're being very cold and very selfish by doing it this way.

PrincessBabyCat · 10/05/2014 20:28

Yikes. This sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen. Confused

If he loved you, he'd have divorced his wife by now. Similarly if you loved him, you would have done the same.

You're an adult, and you know you're playing with dynamite.

The question is, is the risk of everything going tits up worth the fling?

Blondiebrownie · 10/05/2014 20:33

Couldn't have put it better Worra.

bringbacksideburns · 10/05/2014 20:43

You've put this in the wrong section but yes, YABU. 2 years is a long time to have an affair.

Plenty of people split and don't end up living in cardboard boxes. You at least owe it to your husband to see if he can find happiness on his own. Look into tax credits etc and speak to a solicitor, you may be better off than you think, even if it means both of you renting for good.

As for the other man, he has told you he has no intentions of leaving his wife. You are both being cowardly and selfish.

Split from your husband and start a new life without them both.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 10/05/2014 21:07

YABU. You have been having an affair with a married man for two years. This alone is likely to destroy both your families, regardless of what you do about it. Your children and husband deserve much better than this.

UncleT · 10/05/2014 21:09

YABVU. But then, you probably know that. There are young children involved here - stop it at once.

gamerchick · 10/05/2014 21:48

I agree, you need to separate the issues.

If you've been having an affair for 2 years then there must be a reason you're asking now.. has something changed?

Stop contact with this other dude for the minute.. yanno affairs are all about not lying next to them when they fart or wash their skiddy duds or pick their socks up.. they're heady and exciting but the reality sucks.

If you've been at it for 2 years then it's pretty safe to say your marriage is dead now and from what else you've said it doesn't sound as ifyou're going to get from your marriage what you want.

Time to speak to the husband and talk about separation but you must have cut contact with your dude if you're not wanting to come clean.. you're depriving your husband of somebody who won't sleep with somebody else.

Once you're single and settled then take things from there.. you may find since things have changed your MM won't look at you twice.. it's too risky... but personally you probably should get rid of him permanently.

If you were really happy with the way things have been you wouldn't have posted but i'm guessing that deep down it's bothering you that you'll never be able to move on and your MM will never leave his family.

MistressDeeCee · 11/05/2014 00:13

OP you're just "me me me-ing". You dont even care enough to mention possible impact on your DCs. Why can't you make plans and leave your DH then sort your head out from there? You don't have to actually leave him for another man. Don't you want a break?! I suspect you are staying with your DH for financial reasons. Bad bargain, to stay with a man for money so that you can have yours,and somebody else's cake, and eat it too. If your DH finds out you may have to change your lifestyle anyway as your comfort zone will crash. Hope its all worth it, anyway. I suspect it isn't, though.

Brittabot · 11/05/2014 00:32

If you do not want to be with your husband you need to sort that out, but to have an affair and put off the inevitable is just going to hurt everyone. You can't justify it.

LaurieFairyCake · 11/05/2014 00:36

I don't think you're doing anything wrong in the future at all

Providing you ask your husband if it's ok.

Because someone so cold and distant, who does no work on the relationship and opted out emotionally years ago won't care , right?

Aeroflotgirl · 11/05/2014 00:47

My goodness op, leave your h, find someone who is not in a relationship to make you happy

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