How should a DH make up for an affair

[siblingrevelryagain]

Apologies for the crass title, I don't know how else to word it.

4 weeks ago, I allowed my DH to move back home so we could try to work on putting things right after his emotional affair with an ex colleague (he is adamant it wasn't sexual, but I think that might have been lack of opportunity. They were in love/infatuated etc and had talked about leaving respective partners).

I kicked him out for a week, but as we have three young children I felt I owed it to them to at least try before throwing things away.

Since then he has been more helpful at home, offering to do jobs etc, but doesn't seem to be 'fighting' as he promised when I took him back. We are very polite with each other. He still goes out (he works away sometimes, so I would naively expect that on the nights he's here we should be together, either talking or just being), doesn't want to talk about things, and aside from asking how I've slept he doesn't ask how I am with things. He is ashamed so I think he wants to bury his head in the sand, whereas I need to process my own thoughts and talk about it.

I guess because I'm strong and seeming to be acting normal he thinks I'm fine, but I feel he should be making up for what he's done and showing me why he deserves me. I don't know what that looks like, but I just know if it were me I'd be doing everything I could (for example, tonight he said his brother has asked him round - I would have liked him to take some initiative and get a movie/takeaway/bottle of wine and allow us to spend time together when kids in bed. Seems silly but at least would show I'm being thought of, likewise sending flowers, buying a favourite cd or book etc).

What have your DH's done which made you really believe they were sorry? What would you expect to see from a contrite husband who is with his wife for her and not just the kids?

I think in my heart of hearts I know it's over. He has not done or said anything to reassure me that he still wants me. I just don't want to admit it.

I'm so sorry, sibling.

Reading that, I want to come round and take you all with me today. It sounds so sad. Does he want to make the marriage work? Or is he scared of the unknown and just wants to pretend that none of this ever happened?

He misses her?
He doesn't want reminding of what he's done?
He doesn't love you?

He should fuck off and let you and your children live the happy lives you deserve. You didn't rip your children's lives apart. He has done that.

Although, I know that one, I was told I was the one who had broken up the family because I was the one who kicked him out

You are only 38. The life you have in front of you is long and should be happy. I couldn't stay with someone who'd cheated. I wouldn't even wait to see if they could make it up to me. There would be no second chances.

Your children will cope. Mine did. The teenager doesn't respect his dad as much as he used to and my exH finds that a bit difficult to deal with. But that's tough really.

I think Bruno has it right that if u have to ask someone to try then its not going to work. I had to do this and he didn't. in end I said leave or bloody sort yourself out. it was awful then but he left. I'm happier now and dcs mostly are too.

its good you've talked to him. but I think he has to face what he has done for anything to change. he can't just say he isn't as its too hard. equally he should be doing things to try and build that love again. yes it takes time but if he is going out with his brother etc how is that helping?

really thinking of u

I'm so sorry - actually I'm disgusted - that he's making you and the family sound like a runner-up prize and a bit of a chore. No, you shouldn't wait around hoping someone loves you again. He's the one in the wrong so how come you're the one on probation? He needs to step out now rather than keep insulting you with this mealy mouthed shit.

Appalling

He was/is in love with someone else but has had no contact since he told her they couldn't.

OP, this alone would be enough for me to tell him to leave. He isn't with her because he can't be, not because he chooses no contact.

Admitted he missed her but wants to make our marriage work.

How? How does he propose to 'make it work'?

He has avoided talking because he doesn't want reminding if what he's done (admitted he's weak and selfish).

He doesn't need to admit it, you know he is weak and selfish. However, that doesn't give him a 'get out of talking' card. Quite the opposite in fact.

Wants us to stay together and work on our marriage in the good that the love will grow again (he doesn't love me).

I think he wants you to work on the marriage by helping him to get over her and making it easier for him to want to be with you by never mentioning the cheating again. Well boo hoo. Sorry, it doesn't work like that. If the marriage will work it has to be him proving to you that there is something to salvage.

You need to forget about what he wants and think about what you want.

Either way my brilliant life is a shit-storm and I'm devastated. I've got three beautiful, contented children under 7 who will potentially have their lives ripped apart, completely out of the blue. On the other hand, how can I resign myself, at 38, to allowing him to stay in the hope he'll love me again?

From what you say here, your best hope (and it's a long shot) is that he will learn to love you again. But what about you?

Your old relationship has gone. It's over. Everything has changed. If you met him now, knowing what you do about him, would you embark on a lifetime together with him? You have lost all respect for him and cannot trust him.

I think he came back too soon. He is still only thinking about himself and feeling sorry for himself. He is the pathetic one, not you OP.

I would tell him to leave again. I would say that I see nothing from that indicates he wants this relationship and you are definitely not at all sure that you want him.

Then take as long as you need to really think this through and see if he makes any effort to put you first, instead of himself.

I am so sorry this has happened to you.

You sound totally insightful and wise about it though. It's clear he has found himself in the fog of an affair, refuses to discuss it with you, and now wants you to prove to him it was the right decision for him to end it by being a perfect wife in the hope of winning his love back.

It's appalling and totally unsustainable. He will suffer no consequences for being a narcissistic liar and you will feel only resentment and depression for being projected as a second choice when you deserve so much better than that.

I am afraid I think you have to ask him to leave because you will not live with someone treating you so poorly who clearly doesn't realize what he has. This is not your fault and I'm so sorry you are being put through it.