trust - to all those on 2nd marriages - how do you regain / trust again?

[mistressmiggins]

as some of you will know, my ex left me last Nov.....found out (confirmed) year this weekend he was having affair

starting seeing someone new....hes nice & attentive but just waiting for him to let me down - so much so that thinking of jacking it in b4 I get hooked....

how do you trust again?

You take it very, very slowly .... and, in my case, I raised my "standards" much higher than they were before. In other words, I always used to bend over backwards believing myself to be being "reasonable" when in fact I was being a doormat.

When I started dating again after a long time on my own when I rarely left the house, let alone dated, I dumped 2 guys in quick succession because they let me down, IMO, very rudely and inconsiderately. I know it's a cliche but when there's plenty more fish in the sea why put up with any crap ?

With that in mind, there's no reason why you shouldn't get involved, have fun, experience love again ....... yes, it is scary, because no-one likes to get hurt but what is most scary, having to kiss a few more frogs before you find your prince, or doing nothing from fear and being on your own forever more ? Only you can answer that ..... some people choose to be on their own, and are happy with that, so that's not necessarily the wrong choice. However, the fact you're already dating again sort of shows that you're probably not one of them.

So go ahead and enjoy it for what it is. Goodness knows, you deserve some love, fun and attention. Remember you can always get rid (I know that might sound a bit harsh but you are most important) as soon as he does something which makes you feel uncomfortable but you might just hit lucky and may never need to do that ! (hopefully)

Imagine if you had a crystal ball, could look 3 years in the future and see a great future with this guy ..... you'd be really mad at yourself if you'd kicked him into touch for no reason other than your own fear wouldn't you ?

Take it very, very slowly and let him earn your trust, simply by being a nice, considerate, thoughtful bloke. Believe me, I've been cheated on too, and it does kinda leave you very finely attuned to anything untoward going on. Chances are that this new guy wouldn't be able to cheat on you even if he wanted to - which I'm sure he doesn't.

Please go ahead and enjoy this ...... by taking it nice and easy and by being "vigilant" (god, that sounds a bit OTT, but you know what I mean) it's unlikely you'll get hurt.

I found it very difficult and still do
I've been with my lovely dp for a year now and previous to that I came out of a ten year relationship where I was cheated on

I constantly check dp mobile and call records on house phone and get quite jealous about his exes and if he says hello to any girl in town.. mad I know

Mind you dp is the same as he's been cheated on several times too in the past and finds it difficult to trust me.

I will never let go and trust anyone completely ever again. My ex put me through hell

I am getting better but I've also become harder this time round.

I'm glad you've found some one else as I remember reading your posts a year ago as some what you went through was similar to me.

you deserve some happiness and think you should take it one step at a time

interesting thought that catsmother - Ive always thought i was OK without anyone - indeed I love & cherish my own time BUT I do obviously enjoy company as well

its just so hard when the last perosn in the world betrays you not to think it wont happen again - everyone was shocked at ex's beahviour/choice not just me

have probably annoyed new beau tonight so decision may have been taken away from me

myu main concern is my family - kids & me so i guess just not sure all the potential agro is worth it for me and the kids

jut on a a downer today as this weekend last yr finally found proof that ex was being unfaithful -never though Id be getting divorced a yr later :-(

took me a long time and dud men to find dh but here was just something about him that I knew I could trust and rely on.

Been together 5 years - 2 dds and one on the way - he moved to the other side of the world away from all he knew, good job, family football for our family.

I could not ask for a better man

ex-dh - had an affair and took off with my ex-best friend who also happened to be married at the time...... so trust was a huge issue for me.

My situation is rather different to yours. I left first wife when I got too sick of being her doormat. 2nd wife is a completely different person and I knew I could trust her completely as soon as I met her.
Not very helpful, sorry. Try to see the differences between ex and current partners, is my only advice.

Trust is a tricky one, isn't it?

My ex and I were together for 7 yrs and I trusted him implicitly. He left but I didn't know it was for someone else for 12 months, then a few other infidelities came out of the closet. I was crushed. My reaction was to dump new possible partners at the first sign of trouble, the first trait I didn't like and I was off. And I expect I was pretty ruthless in terms of dismissing new possibilities, much to their own surprise as well as everyone elses.

I think I'm only happily married now because I took a conscious decision that it was time I moved on and away from a feeling of betrayal - and that combined with me meeting someone I fell in love with. I told him from the start - not to expect automatic trust, that it was a tricky area for me and while I wasn't going to be an obsessive loon about it, he had to think what he did and above all, be honest with me.

So far so good.

Sorry, bit of a ramble!

I deal with it by focusing on the fact that I refuse to let X husband's behaviour ruin my current relationship. Tell myself that my suspicions are not related to today but rather a by product of the past. But I do annoy DH when I become 'nasty' to him when he doesn't answer his mobile immediately.

I have this problem with DP. His ex wife had an affair and as a result he's so totally obsessive with me to the point of it being suffocating at times. It took me a long time to love him and I got pregnant very soon in our relationship but I do love him and have done so for the past seven years but he's so jealous and possessive that it drives me insane. He hates me going out, wearing nice clothes etc and is always checking my mobile and trying to trip me up. We are getting married next year and so hopefully this has persuaded him that he is the one for me.

I know it is hard but you have to take control of your life again

dont allow any gobshite to ruin your life

in any new relationship, if you find he isnt being trustworthy, give him the arse
wipe yourself down and start all over again

there are decent men out there

only thing is we have to sift through the shit before we find one

fortunately I found a fantastic second husband, similar to crazydazy (not as fanatical) but that only stopped once we got married, he now knows that I love him very deeply

enjoy your search for happiness mrsm
I can assure you it will happen
I just dont know when
good luck
xxx

My mistake is if i like the guy i will put up with all kinds of crap rather than be without a man. How do you stop this habit ? ? ? ?