My mother - how can i deal with her, very long sorry but i need to get it off my chest

[saltire]

I am staring to feel a bit suffocated with my mother, and i don't know how to deal with her! She is , quite frankly winding me up, and i'm starting to get stressed. She still insists on giving us all lots of kisses and hugs at bedtime and has been known on more than one occasion to knock on the bedroom door for one. Then when i'm in bed, she knocks on the door again and comes out with things like
"There's a towel ove the bath, is it meant to be there".
She once called the RMP's to come out to our house when i was pregnant because we had gone out for a meal and she had been ringing and was convinced i'd gone into labour and no one had told her.
Whatever i do with the DSs she panics and worries about.
"Do you think you should go out tomorrow night and leave them with your neighbour, i know you've lived next to her for 4 years but she could be a paedophile or murder them or leave them on their own"
"Ds2 says he has a runny nose, i think you should call the docotr, it could be pnuemonia or meningitis"
Ever since i moved away 10 years ago, she has always been phoning, and its silly things - like when Ds1 was born she would phone in the morning and ask how long he'd slept between feeds, and how many wet nappies he had etc etc. Then we moved down south and she seemed to ease off a bit. Just recently however it's started again.
Last week she phoned me five times in one day to talk about absolutely nothing. When i told her i couldn't talk because i had mindees in, she said "but your DH is there, let him look after them"
Then she found out from DH that i was wearing a blood pressure monitor the next day, and that it would be taking readings every half hour. She called me. EVERY half hour to see what the reading were. She calls during the day when i have mindees and either expects me to sit and chat, or talks about nothing.
This is the conversation i had with her on the phone on friday
Mum Hello, how are you?
Me ; I'm fine
Mum: How's the boys
Me, they are fine
Mum ; How's your Dh
Me : He's fine
Mum : Hows your fridge doing?
Me : Its ok
Mum You're not saying much
Me Well you asked me all those questions about three hours ago and nothing much has changed
MUM Oh well, i won't call then, i won't be interested in your life and i'm sorry for caring.
I know she's lonely or bored, but i'm finding it really suffocating. She got my step dad to text me today to say she had been trying to phone 8 times and had got no answer, so i called her, and asked what was wrong, her reply was " nothing's wrong i just wanted to see how you were" Then she started again abaout how were, Dh, kids, dog, fish, fridge etc etc. I always end up feeling really guilty, and i'm annoyed with myself for getting so wound up, but it's relentless. DH says i'm horrible and she can't help it, and now i'm annoyed with him. i know there are some out there who don't have a mother, and i'm sorry , but i am getting myself so wound up, and i'm going back for another BP check tomorrow and i know it will be high again, and i just need to get this out of my system. Sorry

Oh dear saltire, that really does sound a bit much. FWIW I as good as don't have a mother, but I don't think you're moaning - it sounds incredibly stressful. It also sounds like a bit of a no-win situation, because if you sit her down and tell her she needs to let go a bit and restrict the calls, she'll no doubt be horribly offended and do the emotional blackmail bit as per your OP. She probably can't help it, at least not right now, but it doesn't mean you're horrible.

Maybe you really do need to say, Mum, I love you very much, and I'm so glad and grateful you careso much about us, but I just don't have time or energy to be constantly on the phone, and if you want to call could it please be [insert suitable time-limited time slot for you - not more than once a day] - and maybe make it clear that outside those times you won't be answering, or will have to ring off again immediately? She probably will storm and rage, but when it comes to it she'll still want to be involved, so she might just stick to it.
Good luck

Thanks Foundintranslation, I have tried that in a way, but just get real guilt piled on me. I'm really wound up just now thiking about it, i actually have a headache.

Sounds to me like she's not well. I'm quite anxious myself atm (have a bloody good reason to be but won't go into that) and I have thoughts like your mum, need to keep checking up etc. I'm getting better but sometimes people don't and get stuck in a circle of irrational thoughts and anxiety for no good reason. All those kisses etc. are probably because she has been unable to let go of you. I can imagine it is driving you mad but I have huge sympathy for her, it must be very debilitating for her to be stuck in such obsessive behaviour.

Don't really know what to suggest other than trying to finds books on the subject, talking to her and your stepdad. I've been recommended a self-help book but obviously your mum would need to recognise that she has a problem with anxiety (if indeed she does, of course). HTH

I don't think you're horrible. It would drive me mad, and though this might be a controversial thing to say, I actually think it's very rude to keep interrupting you when she's been told umpteen times (has she? this wasn't clear) you're busy and/or have responsibilities. Calling you every half hour must have done wonders for your blood pressure !

TBH, if someone persists in calling, it may well indicate they're lonely and/or bored, but, if they have been told it's inconvenient and they still do it, it's a bit like saying they don't think your time is as important as they are.

Looks like you're going to have to lay down some boundaries. Tell her you appreciate her concern and "enjoy" (being tactful) speaking with her but you're very busy during the day, especially when you have mindees (and as the registered CM they're your responsibility should they have an accident while your concentration is elsewhere, eg. talking to her!) and therefore could she please ring at such and such time on such and such day unless there's an emergency of course.

ut if it's impinging on your health, which it sounds like it is, you may need to set boundaries and brave the guilt trips for a bit. I think from the way she sounds she's unlikely to cut you off (so not like my mother then...).

Is there any way to encourage her to get out and do stuff so she's not so bored and lonely? What kind of things does she like? has she a secret (practicable) 'dream' she'd love to fulfil? How old is she?

Although born and lived with a woman who called herslef mine for 12 years - i dont regard myself as having a mother.
I am one however and do hope I dont end up bothering my children like this.
Maybe you should brazen it out and ask her to call less often? I dont understand your dp - he must see that her actions are doing far more harm than good.
Its the little things in life that often grind one down.
I think its worth upsetting her by saying maybe she should ease off a little -rather than continually getting her back up by responding how you do when she calls.
I empathise totally - were you close before you were married/children?

She's 60, which was another bone of contention, as she declared that if we had organised a meal (which my brothers and i had) then she wasn't going to go, and if we didn't cancel it we could go our own, and she didn't want presents either!
I think she bored or lonely, but she won't do anything. Her friend wnated her to join a walking group, but she couldn't be bothered. Another friend wanted her to go to a painting group, but she couldn't be bothered.
My step dad works, and my brother (he's a f*king idiot) is 30, still at home and is a lazy git, who mopes about if he's not working. So she is fed up, but, and i know you'll think i am horrible, but i have a life, i have mindees, 2 kids, a DH and a dog, all of which takes up a lot of my time, and i've tried and tried to tell her not to call during the day, but she still does" to ask something" or " to see how you are". Well, that's fine but i was ok when you called an hour ago and i'm still ok.
Sorry, i'm ranting now. Dh isn't helping, as he is
a) saying i'm horrible
b) won't call her on my behalf and try and explain

If she 'can't be bothered' ten she's probably suffereing from depression. Sounds like classic symptoms to me.

You're not being horrible, you just can't see the wood for the trees. And sometimes you do have to put your own health first, so if you need some space then tell her so. But bear in mind she is one unhappy lady and probably has little control over how she is behaving.

Could you try agreeing a time for her to call everyday if necessary to start, say 8pm and tell her that you will talk to her every day for 15 mins t 8pm but that you are unable to speak at other times as parents could complain.

Give her your undivided attention for 15 mins and discuss any old pointless crap she wants to then at the end say - lovely to talk to you I'll speak to you again tomorrow.

Worth a try? It would at least be you controlling it - ignore any guilt, this situation is not healthy for either of you.

Good luck.

You are not horrible saltire. Mothers can be great at generating guilt, particularly on daughters - and it sounds like the rest of your family have this expectation of you too. Which is why I think you need to set boundaries now. So many calls per day are way over what you have the physical time and emotional energy for.

And I don;t think you're horrible - I would have booted her in the shins with my size 9's long ago had it been my mother!

Get an answerphone, too. Or that Call Minder thing so you can see when it's your mum and not answer.

Oh DH is being ridiculous. It's easy enough for him to say. Why don't you put her onto him at every possible opportunity and see how he likes having to be nice to her and not upset her while being bored and suffocated. This sort of thing is incredibly stressful and it's not helping your health.

I have found with my own mum, and I've also heard friends say, that if they get over the guilt and are firm, it's amazing how well emotionally blackmailing parents often respond. You can be cheery but very matter-of-fact and say "Now, you have been phoning a lot and you do realise when i have mindees I am at work and can't talk, plus I am very busy in general - so how about we fix a time once a week to talk?" Yes it's a huge leap but you want to start as you mean to go on. That is how often most people talk to their mums you know, at most, unless they're very close. See what she says. If she's horrified and objects, be open and frank. Ask her why she needs to talk to you so often, and ask you the same questions so often, when she has DH and DS at home with her so she can't be lonely. I know this all sounds shocking but give it a try.

My mum can be very manipulative and badly behaved but the more I dirch the guilt and am straight and firm with her, the better she is. It's like dealing with a toddler.

dirch? That was meant to be ditch!