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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I get annoyed that DH always takes the easy or lazy option for everything.

20 replies

cithkadston · 09/05/2014 20:19

DH and I have been together for 12 years and have 2DCs, aged 9 and 5.

DH has always been a bit lazy. Not with work but with anything connected with the home and the DCs. It will probably sound like very small things but they all add up and become irritating.

It's things such as if he is watching tv or playing on his phone, and the children ask him to do something or to get them something, he'll always do a half hearted job. He will either keep telling them instructions to enable them to do it themselves, even if it means they make a mess that I then have to clear up, or will do half a job in a distracted way.

If he is making a meal for them, he will do the quickest and easiest job possible. He'll never take any time to, for example, get them some fruit ready to have with their lunch, he'll just give them a few biscuits as he can't be bothered to sort anything. Or he will give them a sandwich then bugger off and sit watching tv or go to the loo for ages, so that I then have to sort the rest of the meal out. Or he'll run a bath, put them both in it and then just disappear off and leave them in the bath, expecting me to sort them afterwards (yes the 9 year old sorts herself but the 5 year old still needs help).

Quite often it will mean that I am left to pick up the slack. He'll have something that needs to be done, and will leave it and leave it and leave it, until it's the eleventh hour and so I end up doing it because he's busy/at work.

I just feel that he will do anything to avoid doing anything that is taxing in any way for him. When DS was in the buggy we'd go into town and rather than hold a bag, DH would just pile and pile things up on the buggy so that the buggy was heavy and would tip up, rather than hold anything.

Like I said, I know this all sounds really silly and minor, but it just all adds up.

OP posts:

whitedoorbell · 09/05/2014 20:22

cith I can see it's annoying but could you speak to him about it and say it is getting you down?

could you agree some certain jobs or times when he is in charge and can do the whole thing and finish it?

I would have thought that if he values yr relationship he would be willing to try a bit harder?

sounds like you are stuck in a rut tbh

SolidGoldBrass · 09/05/2014 20:28

It's not just lazy, it's demonstrating to you that housework and childcare are your responsibility. Because he has The Penis and you don't, so if he does anything at all it's worthy of your great gratitude and praise.

Anomaly · 09/05/2014 20:30

Can I suggest you get the book wifework. Its an absolute revelation. Your complaints aren't small or trivial because ultimately he's expecting you to do most things and he's getting away with the bare minimum. How is that fair?

I lost it with my DH over the same sort of stuff. We've come to some agreements and over the past few days he's really stepped up. If it doesn't last we're going for counselling.

What is you pils marriage like?

Original poster

cithkadston · 09/05/2014 20:31

whitedoorbell I've tried to talk to him about it a few times but he's not really receptive to anything like that. He always says I'm trying to cause an argument.

SolidGoldBrass I think you have a point there; I think that he does seem to think that it's all my job and that I should be grateful if he does anything, however shoddily he does it.

It often seems like he gives a lack of thought to things concerning the kids and I. About 18 months ago he was fiddling around with the heating at home one day and 'forgot' to put it back to normal afterwards. he then went away with work for 5 days, and it meant the kids and I were without heating and hot water for those 5 days because of his mistake, yet I was expected to just suck it up, whilst he stayed in a warm hotel for those 5 days!

OP posts:

Original poster

cithkadston · 09/05/2014 20:32

Anomaly his mum sadly died before I met him, but from what he says their marriage was quite equal and his dad always did his share of the housework and childcare.

OP posts:

whitedoorbell · 09/05/2014 20:40

cith what is yr relationship like overall?

Original poster

cithkadston · 09/05/2014 20:41

It's ok I guess. Not brilliant because I find that in general he is quite selfish and he does also get in bad moods at times.

OP posts:

whitedoorbell · 09/05/2014 21:07

in that case I think yiu need to look at the bigger picture and think about what you want from life etc and make some decisions.

you will probably have to take back the control and decide if you want to live like that forever or not?
sorry can't be more positive

SolidGoldBrass · 09/05/2014 21:12

This really is quite shit, actually. He is behaving as though you and DC are not actually people at all - you're just props to his ego and make up his picture of himself as Happily Married Family Man. But when the Great Man is otherwise engaged, you're supposed to be back in your boxes until he feels like playing with you again.

Original poster

cithkadston · 09/05/2014 21:14

He blames it all on the fact that 'he works' and that he's 'tired' but in reality such is life as a parent.

I sometimes dread weekends as I find it almost embarrassing to watch him trying to fob the kids off or to keep things as easy as possible for himself. I am out for the day on Sunday and I can imagine him feeding the kids biscuits all day whilst he watches a film, and just letting them sit at the computer rather than doing anything with them.

OP posts:

lavenderhoney · 09/05/2014 22:01

He doesn't sound that bothered what you think or what the dc think of him does he?
Everyone parents differently and sometimes its hard to see your partner let the dc watch tv all day or whatever, but if they are in charge, its their choice.

But its impacting your life, your day to day life. And as for him saying you are trying to start an argument- well, yes, you are looking for a discussion about his role in family life. What happens if you keep saying you want to discuss it? Does he shout and make it an arguement? Or don't you bother anymore?

Re the heating though, couldn't you have just put it to the original settings? Or got someone in? Why did you have to wait for him to get home?

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/05/2014 22:52

"He'll have something that needs to be done, and will leave it and leave it and leave it, until it's the eleventh hour and so I end up doing it because he's busy/at work."
What kind of 'somethings'? If it is something for himself, that impacts only on him - then I would just leave it to him, and if it goes undone, tough. But I'm guessing these somethings are family-related, and you consider they need to be done?

"Like I said, I know this all sounds really silly and minor, but it just all adds up."
They are only silly and minor in the same way that the straw that broke the camel's back was silly and minor. Which means that it really isn't silly and minor .

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/05/2014 22:55

Lazy, self-absorbed. Not great partner material.

And it would be so hard to raise it with him, I'm guessing. He'd just get defensive and childish. And sulk.

Urgh, what a trial.

sunbathe · 09/05/2014 23:01

Do you mean he switched off the heating and hot water deliberately, when you say he 'forgot' to put it back to normal?

SolidGoldBrass · 10/05/2014 09:33

This business with the heating - had you been trying to get him to take on his share of domestic work around that time? I am wondering if that was some kind of punishment.
The thing is with selfish, lazy men is that they are actually abusive. The constant drip-drip-drip of what is basically contemptuous treatment ('you are woman therefore servant and if you try to complain you will be punished in some way - either verbally abused or seriously inconvenienced') is really awful to live with.

Finola1step · 10/05/2014 09:45

This isn't about biscuits, nor sandwiches. But you know that.

The hot water / heating incident - Any father that can go away for 5 days and be told that their dc have no hot water because of his mistake who then doesn't do anything to try to help has got a serious problem.

He may not have been able to do anything in reality. He could have tried to get a plumber out or at least talk you through what he did so that you could sort the problem yourself.

His behaviour tells you that the house and the children are not his concern. Anything he does at home is doing you a favour and you should be grateful. He has no respect for you as his partner, his children nor the family home.

Sorry OP but his attitude, especially towards the dc, would be a deal breaker for me.

PoundingTheStreets · 10/05/2014 09:53

I really hate these kinds of threads because I know that in about 8x out of 10 things don't change, and the resolution is either that the woman learns to tolerate it or wakes up, smells the coffee and leaves.

IME such abdication of their fair share of responsibilities regarding housework and child-related chores is nearly always mirrored by poor behaviour in other areas. When you start really putting the relationship under the microscope you really it is characterised by a shocking level of respect by one partner towards the other.

cithkadston you've already said he shows other selfish behaviour and bad moods, so I rather suspect that your DH is typical of this rather than being one of the 2 in 10 who might actually change once he realises the error of his ways. Sorry.

However, I expect, like most people, you have been socialised into believing that ending a relationship over something as petty as housework is not an option and I doubt you want to take that option anyway. Therefore, I'd recommend you read this book. It will help you explain to your DH exactly why this matters in a way he can understand. If he is one of the good ones he will take on board what you are saying and step up to the mark.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 10/05/2014 10:09

I wouldn't necessarily get all wound up about my partner feeding the kids biscuits per se but what I would get really bloody angry about is his lack of engagement with his own kids. Shouting instructions at them while his arse is welded to the sofa/tablet/mobile/whatever is neglectful as well as disrespectful. To them as well as to you.

"I've tried to talk to him about it a few times but he's not really receptive to anything like that. He always says I'm trying to cause an argument."

Wanting to discuss someone's behaviour or challenging it is, to him, appearing to want to start an argument because he's the immovable object, and you're just a troublesome pest making unreasonable demands on him.

Isetan · 11/05/2014 11:53

PoundingTheStreets is spot on and his reluctance and defensiveness in talking about it, is just a continuation of the 'I don't give a crap about your opinions or feelings' attitude he has honed over time. If you want change then your going to have to start demanding it and be prepared to defend your 'stop taking the kids for granted' boundary.

emms1981 · 11/05/2014 23:49

My husband is exactly the same! He always does half a job, anything that's easier. He never walks anywhere if he can drive, if he does the washing up he doesn't dry it will leave it piled up and washing bubbles every where,
He spends half his life on the crapper if he's home for school run he gets in goes straight on the loo and leaves me to sort kids and dinner out, same in the morning gets up gets on crapper leaving me to do pack lunches and breakfast,
I know how annoying it is but I don't think he will change.

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