Parents - who needs them?

[Mollymoo75]

I have felt for a long time that I've been short changed when it comes to parents. My parents split up a long time ago. Neither me nor my siblings have any contact with my father (messy split). My Mother is very critical and never thinks before she speaks. What ever I do it's not good enough and she and my husband do not get on (it's quite obvious she thinks he's not good enough). From my conversations with her it never seems that she criticises my siblings. I often have to bite my tongue and keep quite. I also get hassled becasue I live a long way away and am constantly made to feel guilty. I just want some normality (does it exist?). Do I just accept things or should I learn to stand up for myself and risk a family upset?

We don't get to choose our parents and they don't choose us. I always think that people who get along with immediate family are just very lucky. Suggest the minimum you do is stop biting your tongue. If you're going to be criticised, might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb... .

Are you the eldest child? the youngest? the one who is similar in some ways to your DM? or similar to her DM? or very like your DF?

Any of these reasons could result in your DM criticizing you more than your siblings, although none of the reasons would be rational. But these things happen in families. Don't take it personally. But I would think you should speak up when she is being unreasonable or nasty give her an honest response. This will prob pull her up short.

Two years after I was widowed and I was taking my widowed mother out for a Sunday lunch (I live 150 miles from her) she gave me the 'final nail in the coffin': "I thought you would move back here after [DH] died. I am very disappointed that you don't need to be close to me"

We had my parents come to stay with is every 3 months and made a great vacation for them. We also went on holidays with them (that we organised and paid for). We visited them in between and always cooked Christmas Dinner at their house. I couldn't cope after my Dad died - he was the calming influence.

Of course their are close parent/children relationships. The bonds that are so strong that they will never break. I think that you, sadly, don't have one of those - no more than I did.

I have been widowed nearly 13 years and still live 150 miles away on my own (no children but have a dog). I am better off without my mother in my life on a day-to-day basis.

molly have you tried asking your siblings if she does or doesnt criticise them? I remember reading on a thread here about someone whose mother endlessly praised the sibling and criticised her ..... and when she spoke to her sibling about it, finally blowing up, it turned out the mother was doing exactly the same to the sibling.

so it could be worth checking if the situation actually is as it seems.

A lot of people have strained relationship with parents.

I sometimes wonder why my mum had children. She told me often that having them was a deal-breaker for her in her marriage, and also that she thought we were put on earth 'to reproduce ourselves'.

However, once she had us she didn't seem terribly interested in us as people, or enjoy being with us. Very few hugs. No banter. I sometimes feel more like a niece than a daughter.

She's a twin so maybe that explains it but I do feel my life might have been different if I had had warm, unconditional love from a parent.

Thank you for your comments. I'm a middle child, but not sure if that has any part to play in the matter. It seems that it is very common, and it is quite sad. I have promised myself to stand up more for myself and to create a loving bond with my DD so that this never happens to us.

Molly I sometimes wonder if parents who are critical like this are really judging themselves. Perhaps they wanted their children to bring sparkle and fulfillment into their lives, but actually, that doesn't happen.

It helps me sometimes to think through why my mum might be critical of specific things that I do - is it because it makes her feel jealous? Or guilty? Or does she feel 'criticised' because I do something differently from the way she does it? Sometimes, fair enough, its something I haven't done well. Other times it just doesn't make sense.