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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this ever going to progress?

3 replies

Satsumaaries · 09/05/2014 15:30

Name changed because I suspect a friend knows my previous username.

Anyways, I have recently just finished a long-term relationship with my ex-partner of 6 years. Far from being upsetting or devastating I actually felt relief - relief that I finally had the opportunity to be myself (very controlling ex-dp). The break-up was mutual on the whole though I suspect he didn't want it as much as me perhaps - he's the type that is scared to rock the boat and this comes as quite a big change seeing as we had been together for so long and had spoken about marriage.

I feel the end of our relationship was long overdue anyways and that much he agrees with to an extent - we got together when we were young, had so many common interests and I guess teenage love turned into a long-term relationship largely out of habit. Looking back now and remembering the long silences we had, the loneliness I felt despite us being in the same room together, the constant feeling of having to suppress myself around him just reinforce how I am happy now. We both knew we were not right for each other, we were always the prime example of 'opposites attract' and we laughed about it but honestly, I want to be with someone who is more compatible with me, who I can be myself around and who understands me.

But there is a problem - I think I have found someone who I do want to perhaps go on a date with and see where things lead. This guy is a mutual friend and throughout my relationship with my ex I believe there was a tension between us - not a fully fledged one but a mutual recognition that we were very similar, could talk for hours and had a natural ease with one another. We did often go out as friends with my ex and some other friends but I noted how me and this guy were always drawn to each other to the point that we were mistaken as a couple - I feel objectively looking at us there was a spark, the cliched lingering glances, the brief touches that just felt different etc.

Asides from those feelings I never had an ea with this guy - minor flirtations but nothing else. But things feel different now - I am now single and this guy is also single. We remain friends and since my break up we have been in contact every day, he texts and calls every day just to see how I am. We're meeting up with friends soon and I'm just not sure where this is all heading. I don't even know if this man likes me - for all I know he's just a friendly person and I've been misreading all of the 'signs' - but why would he initiate so much contact? He lives very far away because of work and yet he travels down to meet me regularly etc.

Apologies for the terribly long post but I guess what I want to know is what on earth I should do - I can't pursue this on my own initiative and that is, by my own admission, largely due to me being a coward. I do not want to look like a fool, especially when I like this man so much and value our friendship. He is consistently there for me and I don't want to lose that. But this chemistry we have which even other people have noticed - is it not bound to amount to something eventually?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/05/2014 15:39

Take a tip and don't look for 'signs'. You're friends already which is a good start. If you want to be more than friends (and I'd say you'd be pushing at an open door with a man who drives a long way regularly to see you) you have to take a calculated risk and say so. There's a slim chance you could end up with egg on your face but it'll save a lot of time in the long-run. 'Faint heart never won fair anything'

The only caveat to the whole thing is that you've only just finished what sounds like a fairly traumatic relationship and you should probably take a bit of time to find your feet and enjoy independence. Would be unwise to leap in with both feet and unfair to make a nice guy your rebound.

Satsumaaries · 09/05/2014 15:58

Thank you Cogito for the response.

I agree I should have some time to myself and not jump straight into a romantic relationship so soon. Until I'm sure I'm ready I guess I should just maintain this friendship and see where it goes, though it's becoming harder to not say anything - we've been getting closer, talking every day, seeing each other often etc. I'll wait and maybe he could make the first move eventually, if not I'll suck it up and just tell him when the time is right.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/05/2014 16:09

To me it sounds as though he's stepping up his interest now he knows you're free. If he had a bit more sense & sensitivity he'd actually be giving you some space. So beware of feeling pressured into anything you're not ready for and please don't wait for him to do something. Pre-empt a 'first move' by saying something like 'Dumping 'ex' was so traumatic I've decided to swear off dating for at least six months'. If he's got no intentions of being your boyfriend it's the kind of post break-up thing friends say to each other. If he's got romantic ideas it's a nice way to say 'back off a bit'.

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