Is this abusive?

[Worriedgirl2014]

I am starting to feel so ashamed. I have been having counselling. My counseller is great and recently I started feeling love and sexual feelings for her. We talked about it a little and she asked me if I had ever had fantasies about her. I lied and said no but really I do sometimes think about her sexually.

I am such a pervert Consent is really important to me and it feels like I am taking advantage because she never consented to being in my fantasies - am I effectively an abuser? I cannot bring this up with her, I cannot admit to her what I have done, I will die of embarrasment, but if I am an abuser then I will need to change counsellers and work on it with someone else.

If it's relevant, the sexual thoughts are very loving and respectful, it is not at all about objectifying her or using her, I feel such strong feelings of love for her (though I know they're not real) that I want to physically love her as well.

Its not unusual to develop strong feelings for your counsellor/therapist. You can't help how you feel and no, there's nothing abusive about the thoughts you have. Only words and deeds can be abusive.

I think you need to change counseller. You're not abusive as you can't help what you think about but your feelings are inappropriate and may get in the way of your counselling. You're not a pervert either, by any means.

You're not an abuser, but you need to change counsellors anyway. You can't have a professional relationship with someone you're having fantasies and feelings of love for. It;'s not the best environment for your counselling and it's already side tracking you from the real issues you may have.

Have you ever had a problem with boundaries, or making strong attachments with people like this before?

Of course it's not abusive! You are entitled to think whatever you like, there is only a problem if you act inappropriately on those thoughts.

Your relationship with your counsellor has become unhealthy and you need to find a new counsellor. It happens, and it's very annoying and inconvenient, but hopefully you'll find someone better who will help you more effectively.

Ok. Glad nobody thinks it is abusive, even if it is weird.

I don't want to leave her if possible, and she says I don't need to, because it is transference and it would be good for me to work through those feelings and work out what really is going on I guess.

She should be advising you to find a different counsellor. She should know that you can't possibly work through your feelings honestly if you are distracted by a crush.

I really think you should change counsellor and I think she has advised you badly there. If you're seeing a counsellor that suggests you have other things to work through, those need the priority rather than this

My instinct is to leave - I mean that's what I would do if I fell for any other unavailable person - but from what I can see reading articles online, as well as listening to her, it seems that there are schools of thought that say it's good to work it through with the counseller.

I just felt so guilty about the fantasies of making love, but as long as I'm not doing something awful to her by having them, I'd rather stay and hope to resolve it with her so the feelings go and I'm in a more secure place.

I am seeing her for help with relationships, so it is probably relevant to the issues I went in with.