Lack of communication

[peachdaiquirionmytoes]

I could do with some advice. Have been with husband for 16 yrs, have 1 child. I realised a few years in that if we ever had a real crisis my husband probably wouldn't be much help - he tends to just shut down.

He is naturally quite a negative personality - no is his first response to any suggestion/request. I have always considered myself a glass half full type, but over recent years I have begun to feel worn down by his negativity. The way I would describe it - its like driving along happily and then bam into a brick wall of no.

We very rarely talk about any "issues" - relationship/sex/finances/longterm goals etc. Everything is very shallow and surface level. The one exception to this is his job which he could talk about for ever. Things eventually build up in my head and I pour my feelings out, then one of two things happen. One, he just looks at me like a rabbit caught in the headlights and can't speak, or two, he apologises for being so awful and makes me feel sorry for him and I end up comforting him.

I realise both these strategies very effectively stop the nasty conversations and everything goes back to normal. I have become wise to this and don't fall for it, but it is still extremely hard to get him to open up.

Over the last 5 years I have experienced low mood/depression which I have under control. It took me several years to pluck up the courage to tell him and when I did he didn't respond and it has never been mentioned since. I honestly do not know if I am going mad or if it is my marriage making me unhappy. These feelings are pretty much constant, its just sometimes I can cope better with them than others. Also I am peri menopausal which I feel has a lot to do with things.

On the plus side, he is extremely hard working, generous when he can be, polite, never aggressive in any way. I don't know if the way I am feeling, which is so f*ing miserable is normal and I just need to find a way of coping with his personality better.

Sorry this is soooo long.

What you describe sounds very frustrating and extremely stressful. The 'issues' themselves - which presumably never get resolved - and then the side-stepping of your feelings when he makes it all about him. It may not be the full cause of your unhappiness but I'm sure it's a contributory factor. You sound very lonely.

Other than his negative personality, if you could address one issue that's bothering you (you mention relationship/sex/finances/longterm goals) what is it that you would say?

Hi OP. I wish I had some advice for you but I just wanted to share that I, not long ago, finished a relationship with someone who sounds very like your husband.

I could never communicate with my partner beyond the superficial, how was your day, what did you eat etc. He would talk about his hobbies. I would try to raise subjects which were a little deeper but he seemed to glaze over. He had no interest in my past, where I was born, what jobs I had done, nothing. I did feel as if I was going mad.

In the end I had to get out because I felt so miserable. Like your husband he had many good qualities. He had no real interest in making a commitment and he would cheerfully have drifted along to end of days. We did not live together.

As you are married I can understand that it may be worth working at. I shall watch with interest to see for any advice you get. I still feel confused over my (was it even) a relationship?!

I think that after 16 years and one child you are unlikely to change him unless you plant a very heavy duty rocket under him. I seriously doubt whether anything other than the act of you leaving would be sufficient motivation for him to change.

I'm guessing things are nowhere near that bad that you would consider that, which leaves you with two approaches:

1. Find a way to deal with his behaviour by ignoring it and finding emotional support and fulfilment outside the relationship (which may result in you deciding to leave at a future date anyway).

1. Decide that you have no choice but to let things carry on as they are until you either get past it, go under, or leave because the frustration has reached a point where you'll consider leaving.

Not ideal options really but if you're unwilling to leave, option 1 would be your best bet.

Sorry.

Very similar to my ex who was ea. even when he was being nice to me, it was very superficial, no depth. I felt it was just a disinterest in me really. It is wearing and a phrase I've read in here which I think sums it up for me is "sucking the joy" out of life.

I'm sure I'd have ended up on anti depressants if I'd stayed with him.

Ps- we were together 8 years and two dc. Family life is much more fun now!

Thankyou for your kind responses everyone.

In answer to Cogito, I suppose the one issue I would like to address is his inability to discuss issues in a grown up manner. I think he equates "talking" with "oh god this is the end". I have explained most couples quite naturally talk about important stuff. Yes sometimes it may get heated, but if issues can be resolved then surely that is a positive thing.

It became apparent last night, that he was under the impression that everything had been fine in our relationship for the last year or so. I think he is under the illusion that if I don't "kick up a fuss" - all is well.

Mamma - the expression "sucking the joy out of life" has been thrown at him several times.

Pounding - I think your comments are spot on - I will have to do one or the other. I am not ready to leave and would very much like to improve our marriage. I'm thinking of making an appointment with Relate to see if that may clarify things.

He is aggressive...passive aggressive.

I don't mean to sound defeatist but, if he has behaved this way for 16 years, you are unlikely to get him to suddenly be more positive, open or communicative. We can all tweak our natural selves from time to time and learn how to overcome weak points but it's almost impossible - and extremely unwise - to try completely rewiring someone's core personality. Within reason, you either love them as they are or you accept you are too incompatible and move on. Does he actually accept he has a problem?

Cogito - you don't sound defeatist - I think you are right, it is unlikely that he will change his personality. I'm not certain if he accepts he has a problem. His mother had a very negative personality and could "see danger in any given situation"! Husband has definitely taken after her. Sometimes it can be a useful trait as he does think of things I haven't thought of, as I tend to act first and think later.

These kind of incompatibility relationship problems are more thorny than the 'big crisis' cases because no-one's really the bad guy, just the wrong guy. The incompatibility is a small niggle at first, grows over time and ends up being the mitigating circumstances in the murder trial 20 years down the track..... Or, not being flippant, stressful enough to lead to anxiety, depression, over-eating, ADs and similar.

If he doesn't see there's a problem I doubt Relate would have any effect.

My ex was marched to Relate by his ex wife. He says he uttered hardly a word, so I think Cogito is right. The thing is unless they really want to sort it out, what is the point?

PS. I was about to go the AD route, got some CBT and ended up finishing with the time waster! I think I even shocked the therapist!

I can identify with you, OP - I've sent you a PM, hope that's OK.