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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice re sex issue

20 replies

shouldIjustputupwithit · 09/05/2014 12:40

Various issues at home with DH, sex being one of them. Probably not the best time to broach the subject in the middle of an argument this morning but sex came up again. Sex has happened twice in the last 9 months. In between the two times I initiated and got rebuffed. Out of the two DH decided a 'quickie' would be what he wanted so rather than nothing at all I went along with it.

So this morning he says 'I come to bed and you are always wrapped up' Ie i'm in pjs with duvet over me reading a book. He seems to think that I should be in some slinky attire ready for him when he comes up to bed. Ok, I agree sometimes that is nice but really? I am meant to be waiting for him?

Am I being unreasonable? Is he being unreasonable? To be honest this is just one issue of many but when you are told everything is your fault it is actually difficult to pick out what is your fault and what isn't. We have been married for nearly 20 years (married young I am 38 now)

Any comments, advice, opinions (good or bad!) greatfully received! Thank you.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/05/2014 12:50

Oh dear. The beauty - the 'magic' - of good sex is that it is an emotional and often unspoken connection. When you're compatible it just all falls into place. Once you start to talk in terms of who's being reasonable and unreasonable and he wants a quickie and you're in your PJs... it's more like a trade union meeting than a romantic encounter.

I note you say it's just 'one issue of many' and the other truth about sex is that, if you're not feeling warm and fuzzy towards someone because 23 1/2 out of 24 hours of the day they're being a PITA or they're rejecting you ... you're not going suddenly want to shag them in the remaining half hour.

If he's seriously telling you that everything going wrong in your relationship is your fault, I'd suggest the sexual problems are symptomatic of a bigger problem, not the cause.

JustSpeakSense · 09/05/2014 12:57

I think the problem is bigger than 'who want s a quickie' or 'who is wearing pyjamas' It sounds as if you're both feeling that the other one is disregarding the other's feelings, desires and needs.

It is hard to fancy shagging someone when there is resentment and upset in the relationship - perhaps the problems in your relationship should be worked on alongside your sex life?

Original poster
shouldIjustputupwithit · 09/05/2014 13:09

Thanks for the replies.

To be honest I think we are fighting a losing battle. I have other times about DH and our relationship and usually I get told to leave him lol.

Such a big decision when you've been married for that long.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/05/2014 13:13

Doesn't become a smaller decision the longer you leave it, sadly. If things have broken down it's often kinder and quicker to say it out loud than keep up a pretence that makes everyone miserable. Especially if you have DCs that really don't deserve to live in the middle of it all.

JustSpeakSense · 09/05/2014 13:17

It is a huge decision, and no one expects their sex lives to be as great as they were years ago, but is there still love there? Do you feel cherished? if you do you will find a way to keep each other happy (and make sacrifices for each other) maybe not all of the time.

(I find the general consensus on MN to any relationship question is always LTB!)

Original poster
shouldIjustputupwithit · 09/05/2014 13:19

Cherished???? Ha ha ha, DH cherishes his phone. I'm answering my own questions here aren't I lol.

On the whole leaving from I am TERRIFIED.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/05/2014 13:19

You can't read MN much PP... Hmm

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/05/2014 13:22

Maybe it would help you if you outlined what it is about ending the relationship that terrifies you? Have you ever mentioned it to each other? Is one of you waiting for the other to call time?

Original poster
shouldIjustputupwithit · 09/05/2014 13:28

Its financial, mortgage, credit card debt etc etc. That is the only thing worrying me, i could not live financially on my own with the mortgage we have.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/05/2014 13:32

Assuming the house would be sold as part of the divorce and neither of you would carry on living there, have you worked out what kind of income you'd have post-split including earnings, benefits (tax credits), ongoing maintenance from your exH and your share of the equity?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/05/2014 13:34

Also, how much of the mortgage and other debts are in your name? It's worth booking an appointment with a solicitor to cover all of this kind of thing. Can make things less scary once you have good information.

neiljames77 · 09/05/2014 13:36

You need to make sure it doesn't just stagnate (if you want it to work that is).
My marriage went the same way. First, I wanted it more than she did and I felt bad for mithering. So I backed off. Then after a while, she started taking the initiative but I'd lost interest and got used to doing without. Then it was the other way around again. It almost became like some tiresome game of who's to blame.

Original poster
shouldIjustputupwithit · 09/05/2014 13:42

The problem is the house was left to him by his grandmother, it is in both our names and was meant to be passed on to the children, we should also have his parents house left to us (next door to us lol) for the children also (two children). I feel I am taking away their inheritance. We can't let it out as DH never done any of the jobs that needed doing and in bad repair. I can't say anything about jobs needing doing as just get told i'm nagging. Credit cards I am trying my hardest to clear this year so I don't have that hanging over my head, most in my name because he deals with NO financial stuff at all. In fact if i'm honest he deals with nothing lol

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/05/2014 13:46

How old are your DCs? Are you seriously saying that you're going to cling onto Mr Lazy Complainer until you die?

Original poster
shouldIjustputupwithit · 09/05/2014 13:52

DD is 16 (nearly 17) currently suffering from anxiety and panic attacks (unsure whether related to family issues). DS is 10.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 09/05/2014 14:23

Tell him it says a lot that he doesn't want to make love to you and see the attire as so important. Hope that this will be the starting pint of working things out.

Joysmum · 09/05/2014 14:23

*point

SolidGoldBrass · 09/05/2014 14:26

You need some legal advice. You are married, so getting rid of the man doesn't mean you and DC lose all rights to the houses.

It would be really useful to talk to a lawyer and a financial adviser as it sounds a bit complicated, but bear in mind that having the information doesn't always mean you have to act in it - it just means that you can ignore any bullshit the man comes out with about how he will see you never get a penny.

Original poster
shouldIjustputupwithit · 09/05/2014 14:58

Thank you everyone I really appreciate the time you took to reply to me. I worry that DD's anxiety is to do with DH. I will see where I can get some legal/financial advice.

OP posts:
itwillgetbettersoon · 09/05/2014 16:51

Should - I'm sure there are ways around the house issue so don't worry about that. Sounds like in reality you might be ok even if you have to sell the house. To be honest your children might sell it anyway in the long run to release the cash for whatever reason. I agree with other posters. Also think back to when you first started dating - a pair of pjs never got in the way of sex then so he is making excuses.

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