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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Starting to think my partner is a professional abuser

26 replies

MsNoakes · 09/05/2014 08:19

Been living together just under two years and he's totally changed in that time. When we first met he was funny, kind, interesting and just fun to be around. Now all he does is moan and create argument and bad feeling. He has form for picking on me for things, usually the housework. Now, I've just completed a week of nights, 11 hours per shift. I'm an insomniac so I don't sleep during the day so basically I've been around 3 days with around 2 hours sleep. I'm exhausted. Wednesday night I sent him a text from the toilet in reply to some texts he'd sent me. Later in the night, around 2am I sent him some silly photos of my makeshift bed on the store cupboard floor and a few soppy texts about how I can't for our holiday, looking forward to being snuggled under a tent with him at an uncoming festival and how I love him so much. I also put that I knew he'd prob be asleep so not to worry about replying. later that morning, when he got up for work he sent me a text just saying "good morning gorgeous xxx" - no mention of anything else I'd said in my earlier texts. Fair enough ... so I got home and went to bed. Later woke up to texts from him asking if I was still alive and why was I ignoring him!? didn't realise I was so I replied. He made what I assumed to be a joke about me hating him and Phylis (the rabbit) so I sent a joke back saying "don't me daft, I love Phylis ;-) x) an obvious joke right?

So anyway, since he's always going on at me about housework I made a real effort yesterday when I got up, hoovered all the upstairs, cleaned all the kitchen cupboards, emptied all the bins, bleached all the bogs and cleaned down all the bathrooms, made him dinner and made sure packed lunches were done so he didn't have to do anything when he got home from work. Baring in mind I'd just come off an 11 hour night shift and was due back in a few hours for another one I thought that was pretty good going. I was looking forward to him coming home. Then he got home and had a massive go at me about ignoring his good morning text that morning. I said I'd just finished a night shift(!!!) and he started noting what time he'd noticed me on facebook, my log in times for whatsapp etc like he'd proper been monitoring me! I tried to keep it light hearted, had to set off for work again in 20 minutes, went to give him a kiss and said I hadn't ignored him etc etc and he rejected me, carried on going on at me, said he didn't realise we had that kind of relationship and if this was the game I wanted to play he'd play it harder, said I don't give a shit about him etc etc. I pointed out that I'd gone out of my way to make sure he had an easy evening and was looking forward to him coming home and he said "so?? I never asked you to. Doing all the housework was stupid anyway when we have all weekend to do it."

I drove to work fighting back tears. He does it to me all the time, had a go at me about not earning enough money (on the day of my grandads funeral!) and now moans about my increased working hours. Tells me the kids need to help with chores then has a go at me for getting the kids to do chores. Tells me he's too busy to text at work and then has a go at me for not texting him at work. I'm feeling bullied and I know that sounds childish but I feel like I have this horrible person hiding behind every corner waiting to pounce on every mistake I make. I've recently took up running in a bid to get fit and he says he's "supporting me" - came on a run with me and has done nothing but take the piss out of my fitness since.

Oh and apparantly I was out of order to say what I said about the rabbiit. It was an obvious joke!!! yet he can rip the piss out of me and joke around and insult me whenever he feels like it??

I'm so fed up. Nothing I do is ever right and if it is right he'll find something else to get at me for.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/05/2014 08:24

I think you're right. Maybe not a professional abuser but 'bullying arsehole' appears to be his default setting. When you're constantly being set up to fail you're being bullied and life's far too short to waste even a minute of it being intimidated and unhappy. I don't know what your living arrangements are but please start taking steps to get this horrible piece of work out of your and your DCs' life. Oh and btw this.,,,,

since he's always going on at me about housework I made a real effort yesterday when I got up

.... the correct response to someone going on about housework is to show them where the rubber gloves are right before you tell them to piss off.

AltheaVestrit · 09/05/2014 08:26

Funnily enough, I think you're right too. You know what to do. Tell him to FTFOATWHGTTFOSM.

Trollsworth · 09/05/2014 08:27

He's a bully. You don't have to live with him. He sounds utterly, utterly horrible.

AnyFucker · 09/05/2014 08:28

He'll keep on grinding away at you until you don't know who you are any more

Already you sound like desperate doormat trying to please the master by making the house nice

Cop on, love. The only way from here is down.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 09/05/2014 08:31

Either fight back or get out. But doesn't sound as if he's worth fighting for.

PedantMarina · 09/05/2014 08:31

What AF said. In fecking spades.

FunkyBoldRibena · 09/05/2014 08:35

Hello love. End this as soon as you can. It really isn't good for you.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 09/05/2014 08:38

I don't know. It is hard on both of you to be working such different hours and not seeing much of each other. Seems like you both have insecurities about the other and have got yourselves in a spiral, dwelling on the negatives.
Spend some time togather and have a chat about what you both want from your relationship. Sounds like he wants to spend more time with you, he's just not saying it right. (And sounds like he might be saying you don't earn enough for tge shift work to be having this effect on your lives, and he's probably right, but there might not be much you can do about that.)

Communication in these circumstances is very hard if you have unspoken expectations of one another. It erodes trust.

Try talking.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/05/2014 08:40

There is no point taking to someone who reduces their victim to tears with twisted words and irrational accusations. It's just giving them yet another opportunity to get the knife in. Always REJECT bullies out of hand.

JaceyBee · 09/05/2014 08:41

He's doing it on purpose you know. Having a go about something and then when you comply having a go about that. Have you ever called him out on his behaviour and if so how does he respond? By getting angry and defensive and not admitting any responsibility would be my guess.

I would call this emotionally abusive, I doubt very much it will improve and I think you should leave him to it tbh. Are the kids his and how old are they?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/05/2014 08:44

You are in an abusive relationship and he also acts like this too because he can.

There is no point at all in speaking to someone like this man because such abusers are at heart unreasonable. He treats you like a slave there to do his bidding.

The only option here for you going forward is to leave this man.

Itsfab · 09/05/2014 08:45

He is an abuser and you'd do well to take your kids and get the fuck away. If you have sons they may think this is how they treat their "woman." If you have daughters they might think this is what you have to tolerate.

Only1scoop · 09/05/2014 08:51

Sounds a miserable existence to be worrying about how texts and comments may or may not be construed. Soon you will be walking on egg shells.... if you are not already. He sounds controlling.

Pagwatch · 09/05/2014 08:52

I don't know about 'a professional abuser' but he sounds like a miserablr, selfish shit and really really hard work.

He really only does behave like that because you let him though.
Your desperate attempts to please him and get a pat on the head are really sad.
You sound like a whipped puppy.

You know that in most of the examples you cited the correct response wasn't to tidy up, to apologise, to try and get him to talk to you but to say 'Jesus, why are you always such an arsehole?' and go out.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 09/05/2014 08:55

You can't persuade an abuser to stop being abusive by talking to him. You have identified he is abusive, now what are you going to do?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/05/2014 08:56

Hope we haven't scared you off OP. How long before moving in together had you known him?

IWillIfHeWill · 09/05/2014 09:05

Nasty man. Sack him.

eddielizzard · 09/05/2014 09:10

yes, can't think that there's any future there. life is better than this, don't you think?

what do your kids think of him? is he an arse to them too?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/05/2014 09:15

He doesn't have to be an arse to the DCs directly, but I agree it's only a matter of time. He's already damaging them by forcing them to watch their lovely Mum brought to her knees, crying, working all hours and being bullied.

bibliomania · 09/05/2014 09:34

Not sure if he's turned professional, but yes, he is a talented abuser. I had one of those - if you do x, they get angry, if you do the opposite to x, they get angry. There is literally no way to ever make them happy, because that's not what they want - they want the power rush of making you feel bad (oh,they'll be lovely occasionally to keep you off-balance and to keep you hoping that the nice version will come back if you can only get it right).

The situation is not fixable. This is what he is like, and he's not going to change. All you can do is get yourself out.

I know it takes a while to absorb this knowledge, and it's understandable if you don't feel ready to act yet. But don't bury your head in the sand.

Suggestions
a) Ring Women's Aid. It takes a while to get through, so try at different times.
b) keep a diary. It's amazing how your brain tries to forget nasty incidents. See what the patterns are.
c) Read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. You are not alone in suffering like this - this book understands and explains the dynamic It really is jawdropping to see your private pain laid out on the page.

CurtWild · 09/05/2014 09:48

Been there, done that, no matter what you do it'll be wrong. Life is far easier and happier without stbxh hovering over me like a bloody dementor!
I packed up 3 very small DC and left, don't know if that's an option for you but I can't begin to explain how much better life will be if you do (or a variation on it - mine would rather see me take 3 babies from their home than leave himself, I think he thought I wouldn't have the balls..pffft).
Good luck.

Joylin · 10/05/2014 23:22

I hope you find the courage to leave him, I know it's hard and may seem impossible but he'll only get worse. You can't fix him, you can only pull yourself and your children out of this miserable environment. Find a way to make that happen.

mammadiggingdeep · 10/05/2014 23:37

:( he sounds hideous.

What do you think you want to do op?

Adayinthelifeof · 10/05/2014 23:43

Sack him off and start again. Plenty more fish in the sea and all that.

NickiFury · 10/05/2014 23:49

Yes, you have noticed that you can never get anything right, you will always be in the wrong, always because he prefers to be angry and acting like he doesn't like you than to be happy and loving you. I don't know why that is but some people are just like that. My ex was exactly the same and I had a nervous breakdown in the end that lasted almost a year. I'd leave him if I were you, sooner rather than later.

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