Repetitive arguments that never get resolved?

[shey02]

Does anyone in a long term relationship, have a subject or subjects that are sensitive for some reason... that when they get raised by either party, it all goes tits up, WW3, sulking and never gets resolved?

What do you do then? This happens in my relationship every couple of months and I feel like I never want to mention the issues ever again for the sake of our relationship. BUT, then... that itself seems to create a distance between us. So it's like either we have distance cos I think my dp is not there for me and I cannot talk to him or I take a risk and discuss it with him and it's WW3. How can I deal with poor conflict resolution? Or do I just say nothing and vent on Mumsnet...?

You have put it a lot better than I could majestic.

Im always a little hesitant to post on Relationships without the caveat that we do not have all the information, only the snapshot of people's lives. I think we can be constructive, creative and supportive in comments we make, hold hands and sometimes observe if we think the OP might want to consider some changes of their own. Other than that, we are basically having to make broad assumptions. I like your comment about "relational systems" because there is an inout process and output going on there. But of course a lot of emotion too! Placing blame in any one direction isnt helpful.

It would be helpful to have some input back from shey.

Sorry, but IME it will either lead to you splitting up as the tension and resentment builds, or you will stay but become increasingly unhappy and bitter as the years go by.

If you want to stay happily married, you have no choice but to insist that the issue is resolved through whatever means necessary (most probably relationship counselling).

What you do if he refuses to co-operate with that is probably another thread.

Thanks guys that's really enlightening. The article about the narcissist was actually very interesting, I can see him in there, very much. It kind of a relief to read all the posts and the posts within the article itself because you do start to doubt yourself alot when faced with an 'opponent' like this. Being a lover not a fighter it's just too easy to give in.

I'm also not the sort of person to make excuses for partners because you 'love' them, at least I don't think so. The conflict resolution is getting worse, hence why I'm asking for advice because something needs to change. Everyone is accountable and within a relationship, mutual caring, respect should exist, I know that. I'm divorced by choice and don't suffer fools easily. I'm just wondering, can I change that in him?

Also Daisy, I think I can do better myself, I've thought about that alot this morning since reading your posts. For example, the other days episode, I'd been struggling with it for days, keeping it in. It's not a situation that anyone can solve, but perhaps he feels that I hold him accountable for it when it's not really his fault (his ex's). So maybe waiting for him to respond, is giving him a chance to be defensive. All I wanted to do was vent, share my annoying/sad story. So really I guess I could have done that and just wrapped it up with a hug and a kiss myself. Without him thinking, well, what am I supposed to do about it and it all kicking off?!? Since then I've worried that I'm subconsciously testing him, which would be wrong.

And paralysis by analysis, well I think that's me too. God!!!

I think it'd really help if you could give an example on what kind of subject is it that is likely to cause WW3?

Sure, it would be something to do with his ex-w or dc. Ie. she is hostile and toxic and perhaps one of my friends would overhear gossip (untrue) about me or she would be rude to me in public (which he never sees). Though I have done nothing deserved of that. She is very abuse to him via text or email and that bugs me too. Or maybe something with one of his dc, something they say or do to me or my dc. I suck it up mostly but sometimes, sometimes, it really bugs me and I need to be able to talk about it. His hyper-sensitivity makes it taboo and perhaps I stew on it too much and it comes out wrong.

Thanks for your comments Shey, I guess I didnt want to jump to conclusions that your DH was the bad one, nor indeed that it was all your fault either! You sound a very balanced and thoughtful person.

If you dont mind me saying -so much of what you have said is how I am too, I churn things around in my head, and sometimes create "stories" about my own perception of things, that may not be reality at all.

Some of what I have said to you, is stuff I learned through counselling, which really helped me change. The paralysis by analysis is exactly how I was described

Do you have any thoughts on how you could move things forward? Just wondering if you went along to some counselling on your own first, to talk things through, then share what you learn with your DH to see if your DH would be willing to attend a couple of sessions with you?

I stuck at it for the kids' sake until they were virtually both adults. I should have gone much earlier. They were more resilient than I thought they'd be.

Sounds like the things you describe are in the category of things you cant control so it feels frustrating. Probably DH feels equally frustrated, because he cant change the situation any more than you can, so he locks down emotionally and tries to do an impression of an ostrich.

Maybe CBT Cognitive Behavioural Therapy would help because it teaches you how to recast your perception of situations so that they dont end up making you feel caught up and unable to move forward.

Sometimes you just have to accept that some couples just grow apart.
You realise that staying together requires too much compromise or sacrifice.

Hi OP. What you describe sounds very like us too. I've felt for a long time that I am shut down in many conversations that DH doesn't want to have. We've sometimes managed to talk it through and try to change our way of communicating. I find his approach very defensive and sometimes bullying, and he has said he feels I am getting at him, I guess passive aggressive. I also found that the framing thing worked for a while, so if I had a problem I didn't need solving but just wanted to vent about I would say I don't need a solution, I just need sympathy and a hug and DH understood.

However, I think that fundamentally we are those people. Combined with other things I feel that we are going through a bad patch at the moment and I feel very worn down by the feelin that I need to check and monitor everything I say in case it annoys him or upsets him. I just give in on things I do have opinions about because I can't face it really. I've tried to talk to him but he says 'oh not this again' and clearly feels there's nothing wrong. I had been thinking we'd just had a tough year (we have a 1 yo, second DC), but I have remembered conversations from years before about the same thing. I guess my point is that if he is unwilling to see it as a problem, or make an effort to change, it may go on and on, and how much of your life do you want to spend swallowing opinions and not sharing your problems with the very person who's meant to be there to support you? I don't know what to do about my situation at all - any ideas would be very helpful because often I feel like I'm just being hollowed out by it to be honest.

I am worried Daisy. I feel that my life is influenced and controlled by a lunatic at times. I really don't know what I have done in life to deserve this burden. Of course I can't change this 3rd party and dp is (rather, he feels) powerless to do anything either, as his relationship with his kids depends on him just falling in. He is weak with them, harsh with me I feel. I think I probably do need the therapy. Perhaps I do need to change perception, because I cannot change the situations that occur. Sounds like that would help greatly.

NotKnow, you sound just like me, we're in the same bad patch I think just for different reasons. Sorry you are going through that too, it's kinda lonely feeling that he's not there for me and I'm starting to resent all the times I prioritise him and his issues and stay up late talking about his problems, yet I keep mine in.

Shey, I do feel for you because I too was at the mercy of a very bitter ExP (who was DPs ex). She did everything possible to be a thorn in the side of DP such that the more he did to be reasonable, the more she created situations to play stupid games etc (re DSS). I took time to have a few sessions of CBT and I have to admit, it isnt a magic wand, I did still lapse into periods of frustration, but I found it helped me rationalise things calmly. The therapist gave me homework to do which involved writing down my feelings at certain point which we then explored together in the sessions

Please bear in mind, if the stress you have is mainly due to your DHs ex, it does have a finite life, it will burn out, that may help you to put it into a box. We have no problems anymore, because we engineered things carefully together to ensure DP wasn't exposed to his ex's poison. I take my hat off to him, he listened to my advice on some things that needed a bit of female intuition, things he couldn't see. It became a partnership and we supported each other thru it.

I feel you may well be able to improve things (that is you and your DH together) once you can see the wood for the trees!

I hope some of my ramblings make sense. Hugs x

That's it Daisy, apart from I realise that I could be stronger, more detached, I will work on that, but my dp takes very little advice and feels he knows best. I really need to work on him reading a few books, maybe then he will see the way through as I am trying to. Thanks all for advice. xxx