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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I help my sister?

8 replies

catgirl1976 · 08/05/2014 21:55

DS was in a relationship for about 2 years. I never really took to this man. He seemed really distant and cold to me and not engaged at all in the relationship. He is a bit older than her (She is 35, he is 46).

He is divorced with 2 DCs, now early teens, from a previous relationship. From what I understand this was a very acrimonious split and the EXW apparently didn't let him see the children and took them away to America without his permission. (Although for some reason I am a little cynical about his version of events). He now has contact with the DCs and the EXW, pays maintenance etc. He is financially and professionally secure, owning his own home and being a partner in a practice.

He has always said he didn't want anymore children. Fair enough.

About 18 months ago, DSis became pregnant and had a termination. She was very upset by this. 6 months ago she becomes pregnant again and decides to keep the baby.

Things are very strained between DSis and her partner. He clearly isn't engaged and she tells me at Christmas she is pregnant and that he hasn't touched her affectionately or sexually since.

Things rumble on but she is not able to get excited about the pregnancy as he is treating it like the biggest disaster on the planet. (But never has the courage to end it or say he doesn't want the baby). He "doesn't know if he can cope" with going to the first scan, then does but cries all the way through it (Not happy tears). I am infuriated he "blames" my DSis for this - the man is a fucking vet so he knows how reproduction works and could easily have worn a condom or had a vasectomy if he was so bloody certain he didn't want more children.

They finally split a couple of months ago. He thew her out. She is devastated although personally I think better now than after the baby is born and that she is better off without him, but easy for me to say.

She has found somewhere to live and he is going to support her financially but she is so hurt. She spent a month sharing a room with my brother at my parents a 6 months pregnant Angry

She has confided in me she is self-harming (digging great chunks out of her arm), having suicidal thoughts and sometimes wants to "cut the baby out of herself"

She is seeing a "vulnerable mothers" midwife now who seems very good and also a Psychiatric person (not sure if a CPN or a Psychiatrist). Hopefully this will help.

My DM lives close by and she and I will support her and the baby as much as we can emotionally and practically. DM will move in with her for a bit once the baby is born and I am on hand to help whenever she needs me.

But she is so hurt and I am so worried about her. I can see her having a huge breakdown. She is terrified she won't love the baby.

I just don't know what to say to her or how to help her :(

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/05/2014 23:04

I'm sorry your sister is struggling so much and I hope she's getting the best possible care from her healthworkers. It sounds as though her two-year relationship was very unhealthy and almost certainly emotionally abusive. How bad does a man have to be for one exW to move to a whole other country and the next to be plunged into deep depression?... Maybe your sister went into it with low self-confidence (has she had many LTRs before?), maybe that was damaged by the experience or it could be a combination of both but I think that's the part you can help her with. Not helping 'with' the baby so much, not 'taking over' as it were, but supporting all her decisions regarding the baby... 100% behind her with praise and reassurance.

Good luck

catgirl1976 · 09/05/2014 09:40

Thanks Cog.

I just keep telling her that I am here for her whatever she does and whatever she needs and that she is the strongest person I know but she doesn't have to be all the time and that she is brilliant and wonderful.

She is terrified she won't love the baby. I've told her that she most likely will, but that sometimes people don't bond straight away and that's normal too, especially when people are having a hard time, and even if that does happen the baby won't know and we (me, DM, her friends, the HCPs) will help her through that if it happens.

She has terribly low self esteem - you wouldn't think it to meet her, she appears very extroverted but if you know her you know it's a front.

She has lurched from one disastrous relationship to the next :( All she wants is to be loved and in a happy relationship with someone. I honestly think she kept this baby out of "guilt" for earlier the abortion. (I was supportive of her having an abortion - told her I had had one, talked her through the process, offered to go with her etc, told her it was nothing whatsoever to be ashamed of).

I have told her whatever she does I will never judge her. I'm glad she felt able to tell me about the self harming as she hasn't told anyone else and I managed to reassure her enough for her to tell the midwife (she was worried they would take the baby away if she told them :( ) and they have been really good with her and got her some proper help.

I guess all I can do is just be there for her and listen to her.

I just want to be able to fix it. It breaks my heart. She's so lovely and deserves better.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/05/2014 09:46

Fingers crossed that this baby is the making of her... as my old mate Bob said to me when I was expecting. :) I'm sure a lot of people worry that they're not going to connect with their child but the gummy little things have a way of getting under your skin... It'll be the one relationship in her life that is completely unconditional and I think that will be a powerful & important thing for her to experience.

The conversations you're describing sound quite heavy-going. I'm sure you also talk about other things. Good to give her opportunities to kick back and laugh...

catgirl1976 · 09/05/2014 10:17

We do :) We have some good laughs. I will keep those going.

OP posts:
knowledgeispower · 09/05/2014 12:15

It sounds as if you and your sister have a wonderful relationship Thanks

It's lovely to hear how you are supporting her and although there could be bumps along the road ahead I'm sure with you and the rest of her family by her side she has bright times ahead Smile

catgirl1976 · 09/05/2014 13:34

Thank you knowledge. We do - I love her to bits.

I hope this baby heals her. I think it will. I think she will stop being so restless and lost once he is born. He might just be the missing puzzle piece for her if that makes sense.

That's what I'm hoping for anyway!

OP posts:
Schwarzeneggersgirl · 09/05/2014 13:59

Heard this story before. Usually the guy then goes on to have a baby with the next partner after protesting that he did not want anymore children. If he actually did not want anymore then he would have had a vasectomy.

Tell your ds not to beat herself up over him she is clearly better off without him. Her hormones must be all over the place. Once the baby is born she will have a little person who will love her and think she is the best mummy in the world (until they are teens when you become an embarrassment) and she will love them.
It is not just mums who have had a traumatic births etc that dont bond straight away with their baby but when she gets that rush of love it is the most amazing feeling in the world. It could come anytime.

Be very careful after she has given birth he does not arrive back on the scene asking for a second chance. As I have said seen this scenario more than once. These second chances never work out and just play the new mums emotions even more.

Good luck to her and her wonderfully supportive family and friends. Tell her not to think about the past but enjoy the here and now and the future. the 9 months slips by so fast.

catgirl1976 · 09/05/2014 22:07

Yes. Sadly I think there is a good chance he might pop back up once the baby is born and mess with her head again, wanting to give things "another go" and then breaking her all over again when he realises he can't actually be arsed with the responsibility

TWUNT Angry

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