Dp left me last week but it might be down to depression - what to do now?

[Anywhichway]

I posted last week about dp walking out on me and dd. He has just completely switched off, disengaged. I'd noticed something was up and we had been going through a rough patch but nothing to merit him walking.

He has been incredibly cold and expected me and dd to move out of his house. The person he is being is not the person I have known though our relationship.

I have felt a change in him for a couple of months, only once did he say he was feeling depressed, but I was feeling depressed too so didn't take any notice.

On Sunday an old friend of our who has know dp longer said he had a break down years ago. Today after speaking to his dad , who had no idea he had left, said the same thing. He was furious and worried. He sad he was going to find him tonight and see what's going on.

I think I may have caused it though.

He has put a lot of weight on and I've pestered him a million times to do something about it as I'm worried for his health.
He stopped brushing his teeth, I clocked it a whole week before I 'told him off'
He was spending money we didn't have - so I had a go at him over that.
He stopped shaving - I moaned about that.
He was having bad migraines
He was tired all the time - I told him I was more tired because of dd.

I don't know if I've stressed him out even worse if work and money was getting on top

We have been so skint at the moment even though dp gets a good wage because we were paying his debts off and he has been working 12 days.

Today I opened two letters. One off his bank saying that he had not paid his debt direct debit - so all that struggling is for nothing and the other was the car insurance bring cancelled because he hadn't sent the relevant docs. He is not dealng with anything and our life is unravelling.

Any advice?

Also he turned up an absolute state this morning to see dd before work, I can't believe he is even going in like that.

No one??

Sounds like an awful situation for both of you. I admit your comments to him wouldn't have helped but you didn't know he was potentially depressed.

Have you been in contact since? Tried to speak to him to see if it's worth standing by him?

If he is depressed he needs to learn to speak to you instead of expecting you to be psychic. It's hard enough supporting people with depression, never mind if they won't communicate with you

Him wanting you and your child out of 'his' house though seems like he just wants to end the relationship. Is anything else going wrong? X

Sorry you haven't had responses yet, there's so many women on here who can advise better then I can. Hope they're along soon.

Apparently to him his hearts not been in it since Christmas I've only noticed a difference for a few months and the day to day shit we have been struggling with has out a strain on us.

His dad part own this house and he said I'm to stay put.

He texts me to ask how dd is and seen her a few times but anything else he will not discuss. A complete blank out.

If it is depression, you didn't cause it - it's a clinical condition. People suffer from depression for no 'reason', it just happens. So I wouldn't waste too much time on thinking whether you've been unfair.

If it is depression, and I understand that his behaviour seems very worrying, he needs medical help. If he's going to work in the same shambolic state that he's living at home, I wouldn't think it would be too long before they send him home sick. But only he can decide to get help.

If it is depression, it's not a suitable environment for your dd. It isn't reasonable that you have to move out - do you have anywhere to go? Does he?

I think what I'm saying is, what you need to do next doesn't really change whether or not he has depression, has had a breakdown or is just being an unspeakable arse. You can support him but you can't live with him. What the long term future of your marriage is depends on whether he realises he needs to get help - and there's very little you can do about that.

It's good that you're telling other people, please don't feel like you've got to hide his secret (not that he's doing much of a job of hiding it himself). But you need to take care of you. Can you separate your finances?

As DH's psychiatrist once said to me "you mustn't blame yourself"

It is incredibly hard to live with someone who has serious mental health problems and this sounds serious.

He does need help, but it would be hard to do this yourself if he's really ill.

So sorry this is happening to you and to him and your DD.

I feel for you. Its definitely not your fault. Not your fault, not your responsibility. His depression is very sad for him but he left you, you can't continue to take responsibility for that.

it sounds bleak & a little bit harsh but you can't solve this for him, focus on you & your dd.

i've been there & occasionally end up there again, please look after you and your dd first.

Thanks for replying.

He is the wage earner so I'm frantically trying to get back in my own job to get some cash in. All the bills were paid at the Beijing if this month do financially I'm ok- so far.

His dad part owns the house and has told me to stay put.

I've been worried about work because he a manager so needs to look respectable but his appearance has gradually got worse. Today he looked a mess.

He is staying in a cheap hotel. That's prob why he didn't pay his direct debits but it will just make us more in a worse financial mess.

He said I'm the one depressing him

Epic name change fail -

Realistically if he has withdrawn his financial support you may be better off separating so you can start claiming as a single parent. I know it's bleak but you have to protect yourself. Can his dad help out at all?

My DH left me because of depression so I have been where you are. From what you describe he does sound depressed. The lack of teeth brushing, the headaches, the spending money etc...this is classic.

It's a good idea for you to work off that basis, for which there are some places to begin.

1. If he is depressed it is likely to be a long haul and the cold / detached personality will probably last some time.

1. Completely let go of the idea you are remotely to blame for it.

1. Accept that in this state he will have a very distorted view on things. Don't try and discuss too much with him and certainly don't ask him what he feels because you won't like the answer!

1. Get into a mindset where you don't believe anything he says and you only believe 50% of what he does.

I can't possibly describe the extent to which depression changed my DH, but in his case it was very severe, accompanied by a total "breakdown" and he completely ripped our lives apart. Knowledge is essential for you at this point.

A decision needs to be made over whether you will separate for a while or whether he will move back home. It might well be that there are real problems in your marriage that perhaps he had not voiced before but you can't work on them with a depressed person so consider yourself on hold until he is better.

Part of deciding whether you want him home or not has to be down to his own boundaries. Depression in men can manifest as aggression, anger, bizarre sexual compulsions, affairs, exhaustion, irritability, blame, nastiness and all sorts of other soul destroying things.

It will also have the possibility of removing your connection, your intimacy, your closeness and it might well make him feel joyless and not "loving" towards you or dd.

Recovery is a long process EVEN if he gets help immediately, and bear in mind it might be very hard to convince him he needs it. He might well just perceive that he is unhappy and that theretofore MUST be your fault. My DH did that :(

Separation and space tough might well protect you from the worst of the fallout. Believe me, that will be a blessing which you might not be able to see right now. Let him take time and space to recover alone and remove all emotional pressures from him. He can't cope with them.

Start helping yourself by reading "Depression Fallout" by Anne Sheffield, available on Amazon, and buy for him a copy of "Depression: the Cure of the strong" as well as "Undoing Depression". Read all these books yourself.

Knowledge is power.

Please keep posting. This is a horrible position to find ourself in.

*Curse of the strong!

I suffer from depression, it has had a devestating affect on my relationship with DP. There was a time when we nearly split up over money worries and everything else that was going on - he became cold and unfeeling, said terrible things to me and me to him. But we kept going, i got medical help for the depression and DP coped in his own way. I was very much looking to my DP to make me better, make me happy - but it wasn't until i realised that he couldnt do that, it had to come from me, that i started to make any headway.

I am not sure about self help books - they are ok for some folk but proper, clinical depression needs proper professional help and generally medication.

None of this is your fault, he has chosen to walk away, he could have chosen to seek help, but he hasn't. What you describe sounds like the actions of a person with depression, however, it also sounds like the actions of a selfish arse that is looking to blame the whole world apart from himself. Maybe the debts have come to a head - I can help you with this, please PM me (believe me, ive been there!) and have a look at The National Debt line website. You have to look out for yours and your children's interest here - if he is building up more debt you need to separate yourself from it - how safe is the house? It was debt that nearly broke me and DP, we now have a debt management plan in place, if that wasn't the case i know we would have lost our house by now and definately gone our separate ways - i can't promise we would both be alive.

I know this is a bit of an old chestnut on here but are you sure there is no one else? He is wrong to blame you. Why does anyone even have to be to blame?

Like i say, please PM me if you want any advice over debts, i can help.

Maybe he's just bored of you and his life and wants to start again? People make mistakes.

needtowant - are you on glue?

I would suggest prioritizing yourself and DD. Do a bit of research to see if it's possible to move out of the house - even if his dad has said you can stay there, you actually need to put some distance between you and DD - and this man, who is behaving unpredictably. If he is turning up in a volatile state it could be scary or even dangerous for her - you need to be able to lock a door against him.
It may well be that he is ill and can't help being unkind, but there is nothing you can do about it - he will need professional help.

That all sounds vaguely like depression but sorry to say it, Oscar calibre acting skills are hardly required to look depressed. I might as well say I have seen your other threads so there's more to this isn't there.

He was never going to lift a finger while you were there to pick up the pieces. His DF might have some useful input but his first loyalty will be to your DP - meanwhile you and DD are left to fend for yourselves.

Scooting off is a neat way of running away from the realities of home. These debts you are referring to do they predate your relationship? If major outgoings are unpaid it begs the question, where's the salary been going?

I am sorry OP best to assume he is awol and if he is in employment start investigating what you might receive as maintenance for DD via his employer and salary because I suspect he will not be willingly forthcoming.

No I'm not on glue. Maybe he's just become depressed with a boring life and feels like he's made a mistake and become trapped.

Happpens all the time, I made that mistake with my first dh but luckily I had the good sense to ltb.

Yeah well it would be nice if he had worked that out before he had children -you sound quite hard :(

Wow thanks needto un-needlessly nasty but hey ho! Glad your in a better place.

let his dad support him and get hiom to seek help medication therpaye tc.
you need ot look after you and dc.

only the other day my ex (following school meeting about dc1) was telling me that I caused his depression/I caused his self harm/everything was my fault....it's a pattern of blame that helps no one.

so, accept he is an adult responsible for his own MH
his family/friends who know him and his background can march him to GP

you focus on you and your dc.

Don't worry anywhichway - some people are just cunts!

You really have to look after yourself and your DD now and stop questioning whether you caused this, you didn't. Quite frankly if he is bored with his life then he can fuck off, it takes a pretty shallow person to walk away from a marriage because they are bored! I do appreciate that he is struggling and may well be depressed but being depressed is not a green light to treat those around you like shit.

Look after yourself don't change who you are for him

Thank you all x