is this unreasonable behaviour for a divorce?

[Telfordmom78]

Hello. I have been separated from my husband now for 6 years & have a 15yr & 16 year old. (he is 14 years older than me).He wont look after the children,help pay towards their upbringing and basically does not bother to spend time with them. He lives on his own, has debt collection agencies after him for several debts. He is always in the pub drinking even though he says he has not spent a penny, he says his mates have bought him drinks all night.That time could be spent with his children instead of in the pub with his mates He is controlling, can be verbally abusive towards myself and the children. if i am not at my home he rings me where are you? how long u gonna be? I had to give him a key to my house as i had enough of having to go straight back home to attend to him. He disrespects me by not listening to things i say, he jeopardizes my tenancy agreement by parking untaxed vehicles outside my property, filling the car park up with cars that he buys and sells even though he lives on a completely different estate than me. if i arrange to go out on a night out with family he says "you haven't asked my permission!!". If he doesn't get what he wants he goes in a stroppy mood like a teenager so in the end i have to do what he wants for a peaceful life. I cant carry on like this. I even feel like moving to a different area 30 miles away with the children just to get away from him. But at the moment my Daughter starts her GCSE's next week and my son starts year 11. Please can someone give me some advice.

Does he live with you?

Whatever, its more than enough. Go to a solicitor and get the ball rolling.

www.gov.uk/divorce/grounds-for-divorce

You can divorce him after 5 years apart without having to prove unreasonable behaviour

I believe that if you have been separated for over 2yrs you can divorce on the grounds of irreconcilable differences.

You don't need to prove unreasonable behaviour after six years of separation. You can divorce him without his agreement as long as it is at least five years since he lived with you.

But what you need here are boundaries and mental separation from this man. Your children are old enough to decide what contact hey want with this man and to meet him away from the house. He has no right to come into your space or to any information about where you are or who you are with. You have no obligation to look after him or keep him happy. Are you afraid of him? Does he threaten self harm or some other bad consequence if you don't do as you say?

Come on - you need to toughen up and get him out of your life so you can move on and so can he. What is stopping you?

of course it's not normal but realistically HE is not your problem because he is already your ex.

your problem is seeing that through and finally drawing some proper boundaries.

you need to seriously look at the situation and ask yourself why the hell am i putting up with this from a man i'm not even 'with' anymore? what is wrong with me that i would allow some arsehole to have this much control and destruction over my life?

i do not in any way mean that meanly or critically. you deserve to ask yourself the question, find the answer and then address the issue and go on to have a better life where you don't subject yourself to this kind of shit.

serously OP - who should have to put up with this crap???? would you think anyone else should put up with it from an ex?

NO?

so why should you? and who decides whether you do or not?

do you deserve better from yourself than this? do you want someone to stick up for you, put their foot down, say HEY she deserves better than this? then do it. for yourself.

Beyond belief what some people allow into their lives....

For goodness sake. You're 'separated' but he's still running your life? Go to a solicitor, get the ball rolling and get the divorce underway. As said above, you don't need a reason after 5 years apart. If he's causing a nuisance with his untaxed cars, abusive phone-calls and so on, call the police. Above all don't engage with him. There is no reason at all why he should know your movements let alone be in touch to say 'do this, do that'. Block all contact except 'talk to my solicitor'.

I'm sure your DCs will heave a huge sigh of relief and do much better in their schoolwork if this nasty excuse for a father is properly out of their lives

I actually don't understand the situation at all. WHY did you give him a key to your home? You're separated!

This is what you do:

1. Talk to a solicitor about your options for a court order to stop him harrassing you, if point 4 doesn't work
2. At the same time, file for divorce under 5 year separation rules. You can do that yourself, but if you think he will be abusive, you may want to use a solicitor
3. Change your locks
4. Send him one email setting out what you want:

• that you have filed for divorce
• no coming in your house
• essential communication about children only, by email only
• the cars to be moved
• anything else
• further repeated abusive calls will be logged and reported to the police and your solicitor pending a court order to stop him

Tell your kids what you are doing. You don't need to bad mouth him - at their age, they'll know I think. But you can say "I'm getting on with the divorce, and your dad contacts me far too much and is rude to me so I am asking him to stop that now."

I think it might be worth calling Women's Aid though... there's something very wrong here if you're giving him your keys because it's easier than having to run home when he shouts to be let in?!
I'm guessing you're going to need support here to get this done. Give them a call, and take it from there.

Well done for being separated from the tosser!

By the way, as you even have to ask if it's unreasonable, you're in a messed up place over this. PLEASE talk to women's aid. This would be appalling from a husband you live with, I can't believe you even question whether it's unreasonable from an EX!!!

Also - although you now know you can divorce on separation - unreasonable behaviour basically just has to be something you state as you finding it intolerable. On divorce petitions, often very minor tip of the iceberg examples are given, to make it less emotive. Seriously - if "minor" there's supposed to be several examples but "he always insists on choice of TV channel and I find it intolerable" counts.
He's a fucking arsehole who abuses me is definitely unreasonable!