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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I know I've overreacted...

50 replies

rachel18 · 08/05/2014 18:49

This is my first post....
I had twins 11 weeks ago by caeserean. My boyfriend has been looking at porn and ringing chatlines and I feel absolutely devastated at the moment. I know it's ridiculous, I never had this much of a problem with the porn before (I've only just found out about the chatlines - they hurt even more).
Basically I'm so jealous and I've been having such a go at him. It's not that I'm not giving him anything, it's just I've pretty much bled constantly since the birth, but i'll still give him something to get him off. I just hate the thought of him looking at women with flat stomachs who haven't had their stomach muscles ripped apart to get out 2 children :'( I still have such a big belly. I just need help rationalizing, I feel so stupid that I'm so upset about it, but the thing that gets me is that he will say so sincerely that he won't do it again, and then does it the next day as soon as I leave the house.

I don't know if I'm pissed off because it means that the bottles aren't sterilized because he's looking at porn, or the fact he's lied about it so much. He does cover his tracks but I have my way of finding out. I should never have gone through his phone but I had my reasons, I wasn't looking for anything to do with other women but then I saw something like 'Call us again to chat to our sexy ladies' BLEURGH.
Or maybe it's because I feel so low about myself at the mo.
We have talked about everything but things don't get any better. What gets me is how sincerely he promised he wouldn't do it so now I know what a good liar he is.
He promised me that it was only once he used the chatlines that it was stupid and he hung up, but I know this is a lie too... think that's what is getting to me now, as I gave him one evening to just say everything he needed to admit and get everything out in the open, but he didn't... when I KNOW he's done it a few times and he knew EXACTLY what to say...

Should I just be glad he's not out shagging 'real' women?

OP posts:

Jan45 · 09/05/2014 11:04

Being pregnant doesn't give your partner a green card to try and char on you, he should be supporting you not thinking about his dick, he's got a hand for that anyway.

I wouldn't be happy about the porn either, he's showing noting but disrespect for you, hardly a catch, far from it.

Jan45 · 09/05/2014 11:05

sorry cheat, not char!

You need to value yourself more and expect more: should you be glad he's not out shagging real woman is such a sad statement, no you shouldn't, you should be looking to move on from this horrible person.

OhBabyLilyMunster · 09/05/2014 11:11

You don't have to be glad or grateful about anything. Its not normal for men to behave this way.

PoundingTheStreets · 09/05/2014 13:02

You know if he put the same effort into making you feel good, looking after the DC, or doing the housework as he is into chatting up fake women online or by telephone, he'd have more contented babies, a cleaner house, a less frazzled partner and therefore a much more harmonious relationship and life would be better for you all.

Ask him why he chooses not to do that.

Congratulations on the birth of your DC. As a fellow twin mum I know how hard it is. I actually left my DP for less.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/05/2014 13:07

I bet he has a string of excuses. He has neeeeeds he was feeling undervalued. My God you just had twins. This isn't acceptable.

TeaFor6 · 09/05/2014 23:32

You have NOT overreacted!

I have twins too (and 2 older) and I know how difficult it is. The porn I could just about get over but the chatlines are a massive no-no. And that's before you consider the lying straight to your face

You seem very concerned about his pleasure when he's not in the slightest bothered about yours. Arse!

dollius · 10/05/2014 06:27

How is doing the bottles "making it up to you". This just suggests he sees the babies as being just your responsibility.

He should be doing the bottles because he is a parent, not to do you a "favour" FFS.

dollius · 10/05/2014 06:28

And FGS stop "getting him off". You have two babies to look after, I can't imagine how much work that must be just now. He sounds like an utter twonk frankly.

PeaceLillyDoge · 10/05/2014 06:39

You're completely under-reacting!

You've just given birth to twins and he is treating you horribly. O could forgive the porn but not the lies and the chatlines.

Doing the bottles is a basic parental task, not a favour.

You need to value yourself a lot more and he needs to grow up and step up.

How old is he? 12?

ShoeWhore · 10/05/2014 06:59

^ what they all said

BluebellTuesday · 10/05/2014 07:03

At a very basic level, when he is looking at porn and phoning chatlines, he is using money and time which could go on supporting you and the babies.

Obviously doing the bottles is a basic parenting task as others have said. So is being responsible with money and time.

That is before you get into what the money and time is going on . This is nothing to do with anything you are doing or not doing. He is being selfish and immature and personally, I would be struggling with his behaviour on lots of levels. So, no, you are not overreacting.

dollius · 10/05/2014 07:51

Basically, this is pretty much one of the toughest times in your life - this was his chance to really step up to the table and show you how much of a man he really is.

He's completely failed to step up, hasn't he?

And if you can't count on him to step up when it really counts, what happens when there are other things to take your attention away from him - death of a parent, health crisis etc?

But he's got you looking at this all wrong - you are worrying about how much attention you can give him ("getting him off" FFS). This is completely wrong, wrong, wrong. This is a time when your needs and the needs of your children completely trump his.

Look at it this way - if he was the one who had just gone through a gruelling pregnancy with twins, endured a major operation to get them out, bled constantly for 10 weeks, had to suddenly learn to cope with constant feeding/changing/caring for said twins, would you be stropping about your sexual needs not being met? Would you be in there doing the parenting alongside him, in fact doing more because he was recovering, or would you be phoning sex lines and expecting him to "get you off"?

You should not accept anything less from him than you would be prepared to do.

TheHoneyBadger · 10/05/2014 08:24

her sexual needs don't get met anyway - unsurprisingly he treats sex like the rest of his treatment towards - something to get his needs met from and give nothing back in return.

there is a total and utter lack of respect and decency in all areas by the sounds of it and the OP doesn't seem to see that.

dollius · 10/05/2014 08:28

Well, quite.

Original poster

rachel18 · 10/05/2014 11:14

Thank you for all the responses.. I completely understand what everyone has said and I guess it's what I wanted to hear... I'm just trying to be and i want to be everything but I can't (good mum, good girlfriend etc), and if he does stop looking at the porn for now and stop ringing chat lines completely then I feel I need to appreciate that by doing stuff!
I do love him and I know he loves me, and as i said in all other aspects he is perfect and a good man...

I don't think men think of porn the same way we do... Even so it doesn't make me feel any less hurt... Ugh I'm just full of contradictions myself- sometimes I'm ok with it and other times it just eats away at me and that's all I can think about... He knows I went through his phone now so obviously he's just going to be more careful if he does do it... I can't really talk dirty so if that's what he wants... I don't know I'm driving myself mad and I must be driving him even madder, I keep bringing up the fact that he went to a strip club years ago when we first got together... He promises me this was the only time but that's what he said about the chat lines and I know that's a lie... Sorry for going in and saying the same thing over and over - I need to get my head round it myself :( it's nice (well not nice) to know I'm not the only one who's been in this situation...

OP posts:

StormyBrid · 10/05/2014 11:29

OP, it doesn't really matter if men see porn differently to women. What matters is you don't like it. If he loves you and wants you to be happy he'll respect the fact you're uncomfortable with porn and chatlines, and he'll stop using them. If he doesn't, he's putting his own wanking urges above your happiness, which is a shitty thing to do, and not the action of a decent person.

BluebellTuesday · 10/05/2014 11:34

Thing is, it is not about whether you can talk dirty and that is what he wants, so he goes elsewhere. That is a bit like saying, my husband doesn't want to have sex in the kitchen and that is what I want, so I will do it with the plumber when he is round, or whatever.
You work out something you are both happy with, I would have thought.

Nanny0gg · 10/05/2014 12:04

He is not a good man, good partner or good father.

He's a lying shit who is just thinking of himself - and clearly has been for some time.

You have far too low an expectation of how he should be treating you and his children.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/05/2014 12:46

Years' ago talking to a friend about 8 weeks after we'd had DC2s she was earnestly telling me about pelvic floor exercises.
"Gosh you're good" I said, "I know that the mw kept saying they're important for us".
"Oh I'm not doing it for myself so much as DP, he keeps on about a 'stick in a bucket' and how I should make the effort to get myself back into shape".
Charming!
This after a healthy 10lb baby. A nice normal guy, great dad, etc etc. Like your beloved.

How are things today?

OP I hope you won't fret about your own body image - it is understandable our bodies don't snap back into shape - if your OH can't see that pregnancies affect our bodies and it takes some while to adapt again he is one sad sack.

badbaldingballerina123 · 10/05/2014 12:55

Op , about your comment about men not thinking of porn in the same way we do. I disagree . Your boyfriend seems to think it's not a problem and that talking filth to other women isn't a problem. Ok.

You should really really consider what I'm going to say next. He absolutely would NOT be ok with you doing it. He would NOT be ok with you Wanking to images of good looking men with huge cocks. He would NOT be ok with you Wanking off by talking filth to other men.

Why don't you try it and see ? Give him a dose of his own fucking medicine. Didn't you say he hasn't got you off in over eight months ? My ex was the same , porn , chat rooms , done quite openly though.

One day I'd had enough and picked up one of his sleazy films and headed upstairs. He scampered after me looking concerned. I announced I wanted some privacy , I was going to watch the film and wank off. He looked puzzled and asked why , what was wrong with him.? I said I wanted something nice to look at , and I've heard this particular guy has a real big cock. He became tearfull and started whinging that it wasn't very nice , that if I wanted sex he was available. I pointed out no , your not very good at it and can't get me off.

He banged the door and went downstairs upset. Tough shit. I made a similar point with chat rooms and again he was on the verge of years. I pointed out it was no big deal , you said so yourself. Now go away while I talk filth to this good looking guy. So I disagree that men see it differently.

footflapper · 10/05/2014 13:29

Nothing to add, apart from good advice badbalding

Original poster

rachel18 · 13/05/2014 13:45

Great advice and thankyou for kind words and not making me feel a bit OTT about all this, he seems to have taken on board what i've said so far as I've not found anything lately but wonder how long it will last! If I find anything out about the chatlines again though, that will be it...

OP posts:

Jan45 · 13/05/2014 13:50

Honestly OP he aint gonna stop, he's probably been doing this the whole time he's been with you, it's just you're catching him out sometimes.

You couldn't be any further from the truth when you say are you over reacting, you're actually under reacting. I'm afraid your apparent acceptance of him looking at porn and progressing onto chat lines is the green light to carry on, just cover your tracks better. Unless you make a stand expect more of the same, probably next time it will be an actual affair, what then, forgive and forget again?

I don't even know how you can be in the same room as him, he's the lowest of the low and you can do a ZILLION times better than this.

Jan45 · 13/05/2014 13:52

Amazing how when women turn the tables re the porn, the men are upset - quell suprize!

Madamecastafiore · 13/05/2014 13:54

You should be glad you aren't married to the wanker and so getting rid is a lot easier!

Seriously do not feel that you have to service this complete waste of space.

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