what to do....feel rubbish

[ItsNotATicklingCompetition]

Not sure if this is the right place but I just need to write this out.

I should be the happiest person in the world. I have a lovely husband and 2 beautiful girls (2yo and 5 months). But I spend so much of my day feeling on the verge of defeat. The housework is a mountain I can't get to the top of and to be honest some days, I don't care if I don't.

My perfect girls are a joy most of the time but some days, like today,( particularly my 2yo) they just irritate me. I am on mat leave and should be taking them for walks and building castles and painting but it just seems too hard sometimes. Honestly, sometimes bedtime can't come soon enough. Isn't that an awful thing to say??

My husband is out to work early before the girls are even awake and he does a hard manual job so is tired out by the time he gets home. I feel guilty for moaning when he genuinely has had a crap day. He is fantastic and the perfect dad although has a tendency to be quite pessimistic and often it doesn't take much to make him miserable. He doesn't have many mates and when he is grumpy I get the snippy remarks and sulkyness because I am the only person he sees some days (except for the bloke at work but his job is such that you could just get on and not speak if you didn't feel like it).

I used to be the cheery optimistic one and jollied everyone along but at the moment I just feel overwhelmed. I could talk to my husband but he worries so much about everything alresdy. My parents don't 'believe' in what they'd see as weakness on my part so I don't want to talk to them and all my friends are pretty much in the same position as me and seem to cope perfectly well.

I don't know what to do. Partly I feel I should see a doctor but I don't know why or what, if any, good it would do.

Today has just been crappy. Raining, a million things to do that I just can't be bothered with and screechy irritating kids along with a uni deadline fast approaching.

Sorry for rambling. I just feel rather alone and stressed out.

I know there are hundreds worse off than me and many who would envy my lovely family but today I would just rather be alone in a forest with one of the brilliant books that I never get time to read.

I think you're suffering from trying to be superwoman. It never works and always causes burn out in the end.

I'd recommend getting someone to look after the DC for a few hours while you take those books and get off to the forest (or maybe a metaphorical one under cover ).

Do you work outside the home? Do you have any child-free time? What are finances like? What can you do to increase your adult support network and be your own person away from the roles and responsibilities of wife, mother and daughter?

I think you should mention how you feel to your HV. You sound a bit down/PND?

Thank you for replying.

I am lucky in that 2yo goes to nursery 1 day a week so its just me and 5mo.

My mum is always keen to look after DD1, less so DD2 (whole other issue!). So I do get a little break every so often.

We don't have much financially - mortgage and bills etc. always paid but not much spare, certainly not for holidays etc.

I am also worried because I have found studying (Open University) really hard with 2 little ones. My dad has offered to pay for my course this year and I feel pressured into accepting because he retires next year and won't be able to pay then. Also if I study thus year its only (only!) 700 rather than if I wait a year when I would no longer be eligible for the fee arrangement that universities agreed for students who started studying before the tuition fee change. If I wait the course would be 2000!

I don't know what a HV could do or say? Probably what my MW said after DD2 was born when I said it was hard work - "yep but you knew that!"

Also yes, I do work at a school (not teaching). The degree I'm doing is so that I can eventually do teacher training

God I'm not surprised you're on your knees if you're studying while you have a 5-month-old!

I think you need to cut back or enlist more help. But something has to give, and right now it appears to be your ability to cope.

Do whatever is necessary to get yourself through this and hang on to the knowledge that it does get easier.

Well she might suggest SureStart which tbh I don't know an awful lot about but it involves volunteers supporting parents.
She might suggest ADs which lots of mums in similar circs to you take and feel they help greatly to 'lift' your mood.

I was similar to you and had PND - undiagnosed until I came out the other side and realised. In hindsight, I wish I'd confided in my HV or GP. I blithely insisted everything was 'fine' but now I look back and I'm not sure how I managed!

Thank you. I just broke down and cried on the cat earlier. He was disgusted!

Blimey OP, you work also?! I was a SAHM and gad the same age gap as you and couldn't have worked and studied!

As someone upthread said, you're trying to be Superwoman and something has to give.

Poor puss - a soggy moggy

Have a chat with your HV or GP. You don't have to take any advice they offer but just offloading can help.

You're doing a great job raising your babies, but it is exhausting.

Talk to your GP: I "coped" for years, waiting for things to get better, when instead, I had PND. I stopped engaging with my kids and got worse and worse. I'm now coming off antidepressants, and have had a course of CBT. I'm feeling like myself again and I know that I need to stop trying to do everything and putting myself last.

Don't listen to people who minimise your feelings; you don't need a special reason to bec

*become depressed.

Thank you everyone.

I feel guilty because I know that really I'm lucky to have what I do.

As for Superwoman - I just wish I looked that good in hot pants! Maybe then I'd feel a bit more super!

Don't feel guilty. I knew that there were lots of people worse off than me - didn't stop my battle being a battle for me though.

Everyone has different tolerance levels and if you are not coping as you'd like then you are not a failure for wanting help.
I wish I'd swallowed my pride and asked for help.

I feel the same, im on maternity leave and have been off a total of 13 months, im going back to work next week thank goodness.
I think having 2 has been sooo much harder than having 1, more so than I could have imagined.
My previously lovely clean house is a midden and I have no motivation to do anything but the essentials.
Im hoping being back at work will help. Good luck.

"I shouldn't grumble but -" and so say many of us, I bet - I've felt that too.

Do give your HV a call. Then see which of your friends are available to meet tomorrow or at the weekend. Any of them with menfolk your DH can unwind with or DCs old enough to kick a ball around with?

Does your school get Whitsun off? Even if you can't afford to go away it might do you both good if DH takes a couple of days off.

It's kind of DM to help with her DGDs though picking and choosing isn't necessarily helpful. Even time looking after DD2 long enough for you to bathe or jog around the block would help.

I know you haven't got money to throw around but I remember someone on MN once recommending a karaoke kit to let off steam. I have to say it's often the daft stuff that gets you reconnecting with a DP.

Okay the weather is beyond our control but do you get outside often enough?

Luckily this weekend we have an event to go to with some good friends. PILs are having the girls overnight hopefully so that is something to look forward to.

Not actually at work at the moment as on mat leave but back in a few weeks and dreading adding that to my long list of daily fun....Alsosomeone I'm really close to at work has just told me she's leaving. I was so looking forward to proper grown-up conversations with her rather than discussing whether or not Daddy Pig is silly!

Lucky is a relative term, though. We're all lucky in some respect, eg, not being a refugee, being warm, having enough to eat (we hope). Being exhausted and stressed isn't that lucky.

You are perhaps asking a bit too much of yourself - working, raising two tiny children, study, mountain of housework AND trying to cheer up a pessimistic DH. Oh, and pets don't take care of themselves either :) So give yourself a break - mentally and physically.

I'm sorry your parents would see your unhappiness as weakness. Be assured it's nothing of the sort. Could their attitude have led you to take on this very full schedule, perhaps?

How about DH. You say he's grumpy. But is he generally supportive of you - in attitude, at least?

I truly believe DH suffers from depression himself actually. He partly admits it but whenever its mentioned he says its manageable and he won't see a doctor. He is absolutely the best husband, friend and father I could ask for but he is one of life's worriers and I just think making him worry about me too is unfair.

I can't see how to take a break - everything still needs doing if I don't do it. Even my dream of George Clooney turning up and asking me to run off won't happen now he's engaged

In the short term, is it possible to book some extra time with the nursery? Or can someone else watch your children for an hour or two?

Because in the short term you need two things:

1. a holiday for your brain. An hour or more for you, not to catch up with jobs or study, but to recharge yourself.

2. after that - some time to focus on your study while you get past this deadline.

If you crack from exhaustion no-one will get anything. So you must take some kind of break if you feel badly stressed.

When it comes to OU study, it's fair to say that it's hard without two little ones. Moreover, the transitional arrangements are ok, a reasonable attempt to be helpful - but they have also introduced extra pressure for people.

If you think an extension would help, most tutors are ok with the idea if you tell them early (unless it's an EMA of course). Also remember you only need 40% to pass. ;) Sometimes it's a question of staying afloat, rather than doing yourself justice IYSWIM.

I think you ought to confide in DH as well. If he is your best friend, he'll want to do whatever he can to help you, even if he's low himself. Asking for a hug and some kind words, and perhaps some support with the practicalities, is not really making him worry - it's what a relationship is all about.

I don't know what course you are doing at OU, but it may be possible to start the module (so as to be within this years fee liability) and then defer it for a while to give yourself a rest - more info here:

www.open.ac.uk/students/charter/sites/www.open.ac.uk.students.charter/files/files/ecms/web-content/deferrals-and-withdrawals.pdf

It might be worth googling home start - they are a charity aimed to support families. I think you can self refer - or your HV might be able to refer you. Volunteers offer practical help to give you a break but also give you someone to talk to (and cry on without judgement!)