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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

dh's weight

26 replies

hillyhilly · 08/05/2014 13:49

My DH is 22.5 stone, diabetic, high blood pressure, tired, grumpy, unfit etc, etc, etc.
His weight and subsequent health issues occupy a lot of my waking thoughts but very few of his.

I end up telling myself the alcoholic's mantra of I didn't cause it, cant control it and cant cure it.
His main issues are eating out a lot with work, always making the wrong choices when doing so, ie always roast beef never chicken or fish, and drinking too much and taking virtually no exercise.

His dad dropped dead of a heart attack at 71, he is 46, we have two small children who love him and want him in their lives - I have reminded him of all of this and he agrees with me at the time but actually changes nothing.

Has anyone got a DH that actually had that epiphany that made them get off their arse and do something about their weight?

OP posts:

badbaldingballerina123 · 08/05/2014 14:43

My ex husband was similar and never changed. We eventually had desperate bedrooms , no sex life , but nothing changed. He's gotten even heavier since we divorced.

Ivehearditallnow · 08/05/2014 14:46

Oh blimey - I feel sorry for you, him and the kids.

Sounds like he is stuck in a dangerous rut. Really hope you get the help you need to support him and that ultimately he learns to take responsibility for himself.

Andro · 08/05/2014 15:13

Nothing will change unless he wants it to...and that's unlikely to happen unless/until something scares him in a major way.

With diabetes, hypertension, obesity and a family history of heart attacks there's good chance a scare will be heading his way (unfortunately). You are correct with respect to the 3C's, but doing a first aid course would probably be a good thing for you - you ca't change him but you can empower yourself wrt to potential fall out at home. If he asks you why you're doing the first aid training/reading first aid books, tell him the truth.

Rumplestiltskinismyname · 08/05/2014 15:16

Bit of a curve ball- but has he considered hypnotherapy. I had a friend who did a course and subsequently lost a shed load of weight.

Is he away from home for periods of time? Is that why he has to eat out? I feel for him as this is tricky, and it can make it harder to make healthy choices and sustain weight loss.

PoundingTheStreets · 08/05/2014 15:18

Was he larger than average when you got together with him? If not, what's changed since then? Can you both adjust your lifestyle to make healthier eating and regular exercise easier?

Why does he eat out a lot at work? If it's business lunches there's probably not a lot that can be changed, but if it's out of habit, why not choose a great holiday or something and save for it by cutting out the habit of eating at work?

When you say he agrees with you, do you mean he actively wants to lose weight or is it more of a shrugging shoulders "yes-you're-right-but-I-don't-care-enough-to-do-anything-about-it-and-really-just-wish-you'd-be-quiet-about-it" type 'agreement'?

Playingthelonggame · 08/05/2014 15:22

I have gone through this with exdp.

It's so fuckng selfish. He has damaged his hips because of his weight and I'm sure there are other health issues that he refuses to go check out.

He is addicted to take always and fizzy drinks. Can't play the sport he is really good at as he is too fat and out of shape .

I tried to diet with him (I'm 8.11) tried to work out with him. He wasn't interested.

He knows he needs to sort something, says he hates himself but won't do fuck all about it.

I absolutely understand how your feeling x

doziedoozie · 08/05/2014 18:20

Something is making him eat too much, the same as something makes people drink, he is probably angry at life?, or ashamed of himself?, or has such low self esteem that he feels it doesn't matter if he dies, or something.

Some sort of counseling might help him face his demons.

Playingthelonggame · 08/05/2014 19:50

dozie sadly your right although I found out to late .

evelynj · 08/05/2014 20:16

I'm kind of the female version of him. I love eating & drinking & am just greedy really. I can't really see this changing tbh although I am doing slimming world (again) now & have lost over 2 stone. It's v easy to follow & if he could commit to trying it for a few weeks he might get hooked on losing. Also if he could go to a group it would be really helpful.

Like you say tho you can't change people & it seems more socially acceptable for men to be v overweight.

Can you just buy & cook healthy stuff & send him with a healthy packed lunch? Are there others at his work who take their own lunch?

Good luck :)

Ivehearditallnow · 09/05/2014 10:44

If you have a spare £5k as a family... gastric band?

It sounds selfish to spend a large amount of money if he can curb his greediness and laziness himself... but looking at your post, he probably won't? I'd look in to it.

I did it... and it's the best money I ever spent (apart from learning to drive) x

Lweji · 09/05/2014 13:37

He needs to talk to his gp and go on a proper healthy eating and exercise plan.

Ivehearditallnow · 09/05/2014 13:39

Yeah, he needs to... but probably won't based on what OP has said. That's the point

Lweji · 09/05/2014 13:50

The point is that without proper support it's not likely he'll achieve proper weight loss anyway.
But he does need to ask for the help, yes.

sonjadog · 09/05/2014 13:59

I don't think there is anything you can do until he wants to do something about it. I have a friend who is very, very obese. She is losing her ability to walk, her and her husband haven't had sex for years, she only lives on one floor of her house and she has sleep apnea, but still she finds excuses to do nothing about her weight. A few years ago she asked me if I would go swimming with her to help her lose weight, but she continually found reasons to put off going. Trying to help her made me realise that for someone that big it isn't just a matter of eating a bit less and exercising more, it is a serious medical condition and it needs serious medical attention. I think for her she needs first of all to get psychological help to deal with whatever is stopping her wanting to lose the weight, and then she can start losing it.

Is there any way you could get your husband to see a doctor about it? Maybe if they found out why he is letting himself get so fat, the weight issue will resolve itself? I really think if someone lets themselves get that big, it isn't fundamentally about just being too fond of food.

Ivehearditallnow · 09/05/2014 14:16

What's 'proper' weight loss? Weight loss is weight loss, no?

It's definitely OP's DH with the problem though, although it's clearly become other people's problem.

Agree with Sonjadog - there's probably more to it that food. Does he eat very fast?

Joysmum · 09/05/2014 14:17

My DH' is the same.

At his last check up, it was with a new nurse who pulled no punches (told about the 3 in 1000 a chance if amputation and impotence being his next symptom) and gave him 3 months to get his act together it he'd be put on insulin injections.

That was 2 months ago and he's changed, for how long and if it's enough I don't know. I have my own issues. Managed to be of binge eating for a couple of years and now battling that again so I know the answer isn't in anyone else, in fact if others do try to help me then it makes things worth. It's a switch that needs to be flicked from the person themself. Frightening though, his mum died at only 55.

Ivehearditallnow · 09/05/2014 14:19

Blimey Joys, that's scary. Really hope he sees it through x

Andro · 09/05/2014 15:29

What's 'proper' weight loss? hmm Weight loss is weight loss, no?

Weight loss is weight loss, but 'proper' weight loss is following a healthy eating plan and making lifestyle changes so that once the excess weight has gone it can be maintained. Fad diets, crash weight loss and total deprivation of set foodstuffs (so cutting out all bread/never having a piece of chocolate for example) leads to the person glutting on the food(s) they deprived themselves of and banging all the weight back on - usually with some extra as well - and yoyo dieting is really not good for a person's health. Learning moderation with respect to food and building exercise into your life is the best way to get healthy and stay healthy weight wise.

Itsfab · 09/05/2014 15:33

Would he try the 5:2 plan?

Ivehearditallnow · 09/05/2014 15:45

Andro... not sure what you're point is.

OP's husband isn't doing anything about it... But I suspect he knows how to lose it... he just doesn't want to or can't be arsed.

Preaching about how to lose weight is a bit daft (with respect) - this is about how OP's bloke won't... not how he should.

ThePriory · 09/05/2014 15:58

Is your suggestion to get a gastric band so much better than a suggestion on how to lose weight so it stays off through diet then, Ivehearditallnow?

Ivehearditallnow · 09/05/2014 16:04

In my experience, it's achieved what Andro has explained.

It also removes the responsibility of feeling like your appetite can 'take over' completely - something that this DH clearly struggles with.

Was just pointing out that a GB could potentially tackle that... and that we all know 'how' to lose weight... just some of us don't/can't/find it hard etc.

It was my choice and I paid for it myself - so no judgement, ta. Was just saying that from what OP has said her DH would really struggle without help x

WorraLiberty · 09/05/2014 16:07

He has to want to lose it himself I'm afraid.

Look at Mumsnet for example, there are 1000s of posters who are very overweight with children who obviously don't want them to die before their time.

Food and overeating seems to be the number 1 most common problem, that causes misery to both themselves and their loved ones.

But there is no simple answer. Even when people actually want to lose weight they can't always manage it for whatever reason.

I guess all you can do is try to be understanding and supportive.

Ivehearditallnow · 09/05/2014 16:14

I agree Worral - different people have

I know a lovely lad who slimmed down the 'proper' way it took him 18 months and he went from 24st (he was a VERY big lad, obvs) to 14.5st and he looks and feels great. BUT he's terrified of putting it back on - borderline obsessed. And stats say he probably will put the majority of it back on...
Some people can live with worrying about putting it back on - I personally couldn't.

But I obviously applaud anyone who can do it the 'hard' way or 'proper' way...

Whatever HE decides he wants to do about it - even if it's for his family and not himself - I hope OP gets support too. Must be really scary having a partner that big. Until a couple of years ago, I was always 'the fat one' and didn't realise how selfish I was being til now.

Andro · 09/05/2014 16:38

Andro... not sure what you're point is.

My point was to explain the difference between 'proper' weight loss (safe, healthy and sustainable) and the alternative (crash weight loss, unsustainable and likely to result in weight gain over time).

OP's husband isn't doing anything about it... But I suspect he knows how to lose it... he just doesn't want to or can't be arsed.

No arguing there.

Preaching about how to lose weight is a bit daft (with respect) - this is about how OP's bloke won't... not how he should.

I wasn't preaching - or at least I wasn't intending to.

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