I think my mum is depressed, but how do I broach the subject?

[Frieda]

I'm pretty sure my mum has been suffering from depression - probably for much of her adult life ? but at the moment, it seems worse than I remember it. She's always so negative about everything, moans and criticises the friends she does have, then complains that she doesn't have any friends; complains that she never sees her family, then when my sister goes to visit, she spends the weekend moaning that she never sees her family (?). I've been trying to persuade her to see her doctor (without mentioning the D word), which she eventually did, and actually told him she felt down, but in her words, "he didn't pick up on it". To be honest, I don't have much faith in her GP - he didn't refer her for her arthritis until she could barely walk - however she's of the generation that seems to think that "doctor knows best". He tested her thyroxin, which he said was a bit low and put her on thyroxin for a month, and when she wasn't feeling any better, took her off it.

I'd like to help her, but she's quite a difficult woman to help and tends to pick quarrels and drive people away. She's been known to slam the phone down on both me and my sister when we don't go along with her moaning and criticizing people, she's patronising and rude and has some dodgy right wing views, which put dh's back up when she comes to stay and holds forth for hours on her pet subjects and gets agressive or tearful when people disagree with her. But she is my mum, when all's said and done, and to some extent I think this might be partly down to her depression.

My problem is, I feel if I were to simply come out and say "I think you're depressed, go and see a doctor (but obviously not the crap one you've been going to)" she'd take it personally and get defensive and tell me it was me that had the problem. So what can I do?

Does anyone else have any experience like this? Or any advice to suggest?

TIA for any input or advice.

Just bumping this in case someone's online now who can help .

Hi Frieda, I can't offer any advice at all, but I am in a similar position. I think my mum is depressed, and she has very good reason to be, but she won't go to a doctor about anything. She cries often, about the tiniest thing. I will only disagree with her on a seemingly silly subject, and she'll burst into tears. She often fights back the tears when she is leaving our house (we don't see her as often as we used to as my parents are not as close as they were. Its now once or twice a week, whereas it used to be every other day). I feel like I can't say anything to her, e.g. she often talks over me when I'm trying to tell ds1 something (she's deaf and doesn't understand a lot of simple things, but again, won't see a doctor), but if I say anything, of course the tears come, and I feel like the biggest biatch going. She also often complains about having few friends, and that there's nowhere for her to go, she can't go out etc. She doesn't see as much of her family as she's like, and this upsets her too.

I would love to know a way of getting her to see someone about the depression (and other problems). There are times when (again hate myself kind of times) I've got annoyed with my mum because she's talking over me to ds1 and I've stormed off saying stuff like ", why do I bother, he won't listen to me anyway". My dad, in turn, has got annoyed with me, and said, no I mean growled, "You know she can't hear you" at me. Its not the deafness that annoys me, like its not the crying that annoys me (they upset me), its the fact that she won't do anything about it.

Sorry for going on about my mum here.

Thanks, Garfieldsgirl ? I'm sorry about your mum, but it's kind of comforting in a way to hear I'm not alone. It sounds like you see your mum a lot more than I do - we're about 5 hours away and don't go to visit very often (although she does come here) so I'm sure you're a big support to her, even if it doesn't always feel like it. And you're not a biatch at all - it's frustrating when people can't or won't listen. It's a shame she won't see a doctor about her deafness - perhaps a hearing aid would help? Could you talk to your dad about it at all?

I just feel that if my mum got some anti-depressants, she'd be a much nicer person and have a much nicer life. It's such a shame .

My mum had a stroke about 10 years ago, when she was still quite young, and went from being a confident teacher to an incredibly anxious person who had to take early retirement unexpectedly. She also had caring responsibilities - my sister has DS and my gran has Altzheimers (sp?) - and was wearing herself out trying to cope with everything. She is from the background that to admit to being depressed is a sign of weakness and that depressed people should "pull themselves together", so she was never going to admit that SHE was depressed. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I phoned her GP and had a very long conversation, where I basically told him everything that my mum wasn't telling him. I called him the day before she had an appointment. He was really interested and pleased that I'd called, and said that he would ask the right questions, but if she still insisted she was fine, he couldn't force her to take ADs or get counselling. The upshot was nothing happened, but I felt pleased that I had done something. My concerns were noted, and hopefully put on record. This is the only thing I can suggest to you - speaking in confidence to a health professional. I see that you think her doctor is crap. Is there another doctor at the same surgery you could talk to, who could call your mum in for an appointment on some pretence? It is the most frustrating thing in the world when someone close to you would benefit from some help, yet refuses to do anything. Good luck.

Mrs Muddle ? thank you for your interesting and helpful reply. It did occur to me to try to get in touch with the GPs practice and talk to someone, but I sort of assumed I couldn't because of patient confidentiality. I suppose so long as you're not asking them to divulge any medical details about anyone else, it wouldn't be an issue. I'll have a think about that one ? the difficult thing, I suppose, is I don't have much confidence in her particular doctor. I wonder whether I could try and persuade her to see one of the others for a second opinion ? she's been complaining of feeling tired all the time for about two years or more, which is a classic symptom of depression, and apart from the thyroxin, he hasn't offered her any kind of diagnosis or remedy.

Thanks again, Mrs M - that's given me something to thing about.

Hi, have written several replies, but always seem to get interrupted, here goes...again.

I think thats a good idea of MrsMuddles if your mums surgery will allow you to talk your worries over with one of the other GPs. Can you and your sister make suggestions that she sees a different GP without her feeling like you are ganging up on her? Perhaps when she calls and complains of tiredness, slip it into the conversation there? I agree it is very difficult to broach the subject initially, and can be quite frustrating to see your mother like this and be unable to do anything about it. It must be harder living such a distance away (for both you and her).

For me, on the deafness front, my dad used to be like 'Oh no, I couldn't say anything to her' like he was scared of her (they both used to act as though they were scared of one another), but now gets very defensive of her, and becomes quite angry with me. So unfortunately thats not an option. Also, I don't know who her GP is, so couldn't try MrsMuddles suggestion. Its only certain frequencies that she cannot hear, although they are getting more and more as the years go by.

I really do hope you can get some help from a GP, and I totally agree with the feeling of comfort knowing that somebody else is in a similar situation to that of yourself.

GG